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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overzealous MIL

152 replies

Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 09:07

To say MIL was excited when dd was born is an understatement. She went massively overboard on gifts, and it felt like it was all about her becoming a grandmother. She spent her first visit trying to get rid of me so she could have dd to herself. She held dd for far longer than anyone else did but still got in a huff when I eventually took her back. She turned up with a stinking cold once and still expected to hold dd.
We don't see her very often as she doesn't live nearby but I find myself dreading visits. During a recent day visit despite being told we didn't need anything for dd we arrived to find that a bedroom had been kitted out with loads of stuff we didn't need (travel cot, booster seat - all borrowed though) and her living room is full of photos of dd. She's bought herself a grandmother photo album and is just obsessed with photos of her. When we do see her she'll stare at dd. I find it very smothering.
aibu to be bothered by this? my parents love dd but are a lot more laid back and I wish mil was too.
dd is her only grandchild and this is unlikely to change.

OP posts:
FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 12:05

Nosauce - I’m sorry if it comes across that way. Definitely not my intention. I felt it was not helpful and potentially damaging to say that the op clearly had control issues and shouldn’t listen to her feelings of uncomfortableness.

Drum2018 · 17/04/2019 12:06

Your mil sounds lovely. If she doesn't see dd too often then photos are all she has and if she's happy to have photos of dd around her house then leave her to it. It's quite flattering. My mum had photo albums of her grandchildren as well as photos of them around the house. She adored them and had a great relationship with them despite not seeing them as often as she'd have liked. They have lovely memories of her now that she is gone. Unless your mil starts demanding to have your dd stay for lengthy visits on her own then I really don't see any issue here. She is simply a very proud grandmother.

NataliaOsipova · 17/04/2019 12:06

the more people that love your dc the better

This is the thing to focus on. I honestly don’t think my MIL would bother if she never saw my DDs again; lives 15 minutes away and hadn’t seen the older one for a year.... I can see why you find her a bit much, but it sounds like it comes from a good place, so I’d try to grit my teeth and let her get on with it.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 12:06

Round here some babies have multiple announcements in the paper.......

Raspberrytruffle · 17/04/2019 12:09

She sounds lovely I'm so jealous! I wish we had a mil, dysfunctional family so no contact. You are really lucky just ensure that there are boundaries and she respects them

halfacup · 17/04/2019 12:09

Your MIL is recently widowed and will have a huge void in her life. She is maybe trying to fill it with loving her grandchild, making her house a lovely place for her grandchild with everything she might need and filling the room with lovely pictures to bring a smile to her face. Be gentle with her.

Redlocks28 · 17/04/2019 12:09

My mum still says, ‘how’s my lovely boy?’ to my eldest, and he’s 18!!

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 12:10

I felt it was not helpful and potentially damaging to say that the op clearly had control issues and shouldn’t listen to her feelings of uncomfortableness

The OP herself has admitted that she herself has some issues around control so I don’t think anyone agreeing with this is wrong. Her being uncomfortable about the way MIL is does not mean that she is a narc though. The issues are with the OP imo not her MIL.

TheFairyCaravan · 17/04/2019 12:10

Grandmother loves granddaughter. What a sickening crime! Have you rang 101 and got it logged OP?

She loves your child who also happens to be her son's child. My MIL has photos of all her grandchildren on her walls, even in her bedroom. I can't see that there's anything wrong with that. I had an incredibly close relationship with my gran, who was my mum's MIL.

The more I read about MIL hate on this site the more I'm grateful for DS2's girlfriend. She's the most adorable young woman, texts me often and we arrange to do things together, on our own, when she's here with DS2.

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 12:13

To everyone I’ve upset, I’m sorry I didn’t mean my choice of words to come across as any sort of “diagnose” and I have learnt from my mistake as reading back I can see why it has come across to some as extremely unhelpful. However, I do feel the op feels that there is a boundary issue and I think she would find looking at these type of boundary issues in its extreme form (I’m not saying her MIL has it extremely) would help her quantify her genuine feelings and also understand why other people dismiss them.

Original poster
Iheartlondon · 17/04/2019 12:13

I don't think she's a narcissist. I wouldn't say DH is particularly close to her but their relationship is fine. He thinks her behaviour towards dd is overbearing but like I said before it bothers him less.
She already has lots of friends, family and hobbies she does. I think the only thing that would change things is another grandchild which isn't going to happen.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 12:15

“I felt it was not helpful and potentially damaging to say that the op clearly had control issues and shouldn’t listen to her feelings of uncomfortableness*
So better to suggest that the grandmother is a narcissist. Because everyone knows who is in the wrong when a dil expresses any concern, don’t we?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/04/2019 12:16

@BertrandRussell using the word our for family members and even friends is very common around the area I live in. I use it for my kids, my nieces,nephews, siblings, parents, cousins even work colleagues. It in no way means they are mine.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 12:17

What do you think would help/stop this behaviour OP? ( apart from her having another grandchild ) would you risk upsetting her by mentioning the photos, staring and amount she loves her?

AlexaAmbidextra · 17/04/2019 12:18

BertrandRussell. Yes to this.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 17/04/2019 12:19

You do sound a touch mean. My MIL was also obsessed with our DCS, their house is absolutely a shrine, she loved shopping for them. But it gave me precious hours of time by myself!! I loved her whisking the babies of me so I could go out or have a long bath. Can't you do something positive ?

You don't live in her house so who cares about the photos and albums? The room full of borrowed stuff, she probably had friends offering her things all sharing the excitement. Don't vilify her for it.

CoisNaFarraige · 17/04/2019 12:21

you need to think long term.

Get her to agree to take the baby one weekend in three NOW while the baby is still cute and gorgeous and then lock her down in to that agreement and not let her wriggle out of it

Be smart!

I have two teens and I am telling you, be smart about this.

Yours sincerely,
Somebody who once upon a time felt like you do now but who now wishes she could just take a weekend off and go to a hotel in Alicante with a big pile of books. Saludos

Huncamuncaa · 17/04/2019 12:21

It must be really irritating, but it is a very normal reaction to having a grandchild. Particularly if she is the only one and your MIL has been waiting a long time with all her friends having grandchildren. It must be a welcome distraction from losing her husband too. It would be weirder and more hurtful if she was disinterested in your DD.

I got really irritated by everything my in-laws did (also very intense) and it did me no favours. It just made me resent them and I feel really bad about it because they have been a huge support to me recently.

It naturally died down when he became his own little person and started to hate being picked up and cooed over.

It is not worth saying anything over. What would you say anyway? Save the awkward conversations for things that are real problems. No point hurting peoples feelings over nothing.

BertrandRussell · 17/04/2019 12:22

“would you risk upsetting her by mentioning the photos, staring and amount she loves her?“

Oh, I do so hope not!

It’s funny about the “my girl/boy” thing. Because they are their grandparents girl/boy. Some people seem to think that there is only a finite amount of love and there is a risk of someone getting some of someone else’s share. When in reality, ir expands so there’s enough for everybody.

FellsideGruffalo · 17/04/2019 12:22

BertrandRussell - fair point, I totally understand my post(s) came across that way. I didn’t mean it to come across that I though MIL was a narcissist. I don’t feel the op comes across as someone who automatically feels that she is right and her MIl is wrong either. I do feel there is potentially a boundary issue. I could have phrased it a lot better.

Daddylonglegs1965 · 17/04/2019 12:29

OP I had this with MIL who also didn’t live close by. When she visited it was like she had to get all 6 to 8 weeks of cuddles in on one day (which always upset my DC when they were babies which in turn also wound me up and also upset me). My parents although living only a few minutes away have never bothered with my DC.
Anyway FIL died 2 years ago and at the funeral the talk was all about how much he loved his grandchildren and lived for them etc. I felt really guilty. My DC are teenagers now who show very little interest in anyone or anything apart from their phones, iPads and friends etc so I wish I had loosened up and cut my in laws a bit of slack as I think you should OP.
You are lucky you have your parents close by and behaving reasonably and a child can’t have enough love or people to care about them. As DH worked such long hours I felt I was mum, dad, both sets of GP’s, aunties and uncles to my DC which was bloody hard work and I wished I had some interested family to share them with on a regular basis.

angstridden2 · 17/04/2019 12:29

OMG..narcissist because MIL gazes at small baby.Tbh what else can you do with them when they’re tiny? Thank God for my lovely sensible DIL who sends me funny photos a couple of times a week, emails me to,update me on how the GCs are doing and is just grateful that we have a second hand buggy and highchair for when they visit. The poor woman has just lost her husband, surely you can’t begrudge her love for your child...I’m sure she will moderate her enthusiasm a bit as she gets used to it and/or acquires more GCs. Honestly sometimes on Mumsnet it feels as though MILs can’t do anything right. Sometimes they are obviously batshit crazy or just vile, but in this case....no.

NoSauce · 17/04/2019 12:29

I hope not too Bertrand. It was more of a question to make the OP look at how her behaviour would impact on her MIL not a suggestion that she should do it.

Wineladyloveschardonnay · 17/04/2019 12:34

What the fuck?

So, you struggled to conceive your DD. So MIL probably thought for a very long time, that she'd never be a Grandparent. Now she is one, and it's a little girl, when she only had boys, so it's extra special. Plus he lost her husband last year, which further reminds her I would think, of what a miracle lief is, and what a miracle her granddaughter is etc.

And you are fed up that she loves her and buys her stuff? And has some pictures up? Seriously?

Poor, poor lady.

I have a son and a daughter, they are both in serious relationships, but no babies on the cards yet. I dread my DIL having this shitty attitude once I become a Nanna. It's so depressing. When I am a Nanna, I should still be fit and healthy (I'm only in my 40's now), and would gladly offer to help, but posts like this make me wonder if I'll be lambasted for doing so!

OVienna · 17/04/2019 12:34

I was not particularly rational with other people - including my DM - around my first DC for the first few months. I did have that 'get away from her!' instinct too and - looking back - probably some sort of fear someone could steal her. Blush This was not repeated with my second.

I also have a highly opinionated mother who had been waiting for years to do exactly what she pleased with her grandchildren, regardless of the views of my husband and me, which included dressing DD in my then 35 year old clothes, trying to get me to bathe her in the kitchen sink (crazily obsessed by this), and on and on. "I knew you wouldn't be able to have that baby," was her reaction when I had a threatened serious illness and it looked like DD might have had to come early via C section. Nice, right?

So I sympathise that it can be hard to fend people who feel like they are overinvested in what you see as your experience. It sounds like your MIL is just a bit lonely though, not like you are the supporting character in her drama. I think it will pass. Even my DM lightened up overtime.