DH insists we go out to eat with kids, but I don't want to. AIBU?

[NoHolidaysforyou]

I have two year olds that for some reason seem to take it in turns to have meltdowns at restaurants. I do not want to go out. We have tried iPads and all that, but they don't care. My DH insists we still go out and try to teach them to behave well. I think generally some kids just behave well and some don't. Ours don't. I don't want to go out anymore, AIBU?

I would try taking them out individually

Twins have different dynamics I’m sure.

Also in general do you do things with just one of them at a time?

An aside note, I would have a meltdown if someone took me to a tobey carvery!!!

Also sometimes I think these “child” friendly places are like crack cocaine for over excited and over stimulated children!

You and your husband are both not wrong. OP. You are not wrong to not want to take your children to places where they'll be overwhelmed and may start acting up, your husband is not wrong to want your children to get used to these places and to learn how to behave appropriately in them.

I did as others suggested, quick in and out food places where you're not sitting waiting for long periods of time. Do you have a buffet place near you?

Your children aren't yet ready for restaurants.

It's lovely that dh and his sister were restaurant prodigies at 6 months, and I congratulate him on his astonishing memory.

Meanwhile, his children are different from him and this would be an excellent opportunity for him to reflect upon this.

Also, it's madness. They won't learn to behave in restaurants until they can be bribed/are older/want to/leave home. I liked the suggestion of sending dh with them though

The point of a meal out is to enjoy yourself, eat what you fancy and not have to cook it or clean up. If you’re frazzled trying to contain small children it just doesn’t compute. It’s not the kind of thing children all learn at the same age, nor should it be. It’s not the same as eating at home, where you come to the table when the food is ready. Some kids are naturals, some kids are ready to learn or can be distracted, some kids it’s nigh on cruel to try and force the issue. My nieces are darlings in restaurants and the in laws were determined that we’d be fine taking our two out for dinner with their help. When our 3yo tried to run away twice during a short breakfast and our one yo cried through the whole thing to the point I couldn’t eat they quickly agreed that dinner was a waste and we’d all enjoy a take away instead. And they didn’t disagree with any of how we handled it- they just realised our kids weren’t ready. If they’re not ready.. it’s not relaxing. If it’s not relaxing, what’s the point? A time will come when they’re ready to learn/be distracted enough to make it fun for everyone. We’re at that point now a year later and it’s great!

"We would be expected to behave, but between courses - when adults chat - we were told to run around the block, or play in the garden if the restaurant had one."

Just reminded me! Of course, back in the 70s, it was beer gardens! If the grown ups wanted to go out we'd go somewhere with a big beer garden and we'd run around and they would have a drink.

People didn't really go to restaurants so much in those days so it wasn't such a thing maybe.

• the pubs with gardens like that all got sold off or suffered mysterious fires and are now luxury housing developments....

So this is a newish thing in UK culture for people to get to grips with maybe?

We have taken both our children out to restaurants from birth onwards, so it is possible, however the most difficult time is definitely between 18 months to 2 1/2 years.

I would suggest going for an early lunch (say 12 noon) when the restaurant is not at its busiest. Go to the park beforehand to wear them out a bit. Go somewhere that is very child-friendly and has fast service (eg Carluccio's, Wagamama, Pizza Express), and order main courses only. Get the children something that they definitely like- even if that is plain pasta with grated cheese. Only move on to puddings if things are going well! This is what worked for our children, including DC2 (now 4) who is very active and generally a handful. I can see that it must be particularly challenging with twins though!

We have always taken ours out to eat since they were tiny babies so they have all been used to it and know the rules.

At toddler age going out for breakfast is fun, food generally arrives quickly in the morning and they aren’t overtired and you can bribe them with a trip to the park afterwards.

I agree with your DH and I’m surprised how many posters have said 2 is too young. I’ve been taking my toddler since she was a baby and she generally behaves fine in restaurants including nice ones. Obviously she can have her moments but we’ve always been prepared to walk out if necessary and pick times that work with her naps.

We have 3 year old twins and went through a similar thing at 2. We stopped going out for a while (haven’t been out with FIL for over a year after he apologised to fellow diners for “the noise”. They’d actually been very well, age-appropriately behaved and had done something heinous like dropping a toy on the floor 🙄) because it was too stressful. It’s really difficult teaching them how to behave when they’re having a meltdown.

Twins are also different to singletons, no matter how many there are. Twin Escalation Syndrome is a thing! If your OH takes one out on their own, they will be brilliantly behaved and he’ll come home not knowing what the problem is and why they’re not like that the whole time. There are so many factors that may impact on their behaviour...who do they usually navigate to...if it’s you, how much input does your OH have? Can he calm them down if they have a meltdown? Do you parent them same way? Is he Mr Don’t Do That while you’re calmer/quieter? Can you work out what sets them off? Have you been somewhere that they haven’t had a meltdown?

Seriously, you’re not going to make them behave by taking them out, you’re just going to have miserable meals. They’re not deliberately “misbehaving” they just haven’t reached the point of sitting quietly for 45 minutes while eating food. Leave it for 6 months or so and they’ll have grown into it. They’ll do it when they’re ready. We haven’t really changed what we’ve done with our two and we can now go out and actually enjoy meals out (still to go out with FIL but I don’t think he’s learned how to behave yet!)

I have just come back from dinner out with my 3yo and 18mo.

We eat out a couple of times a month, and while it's not exactly a relaxing experience, it's ok. We basically take charge of a child each in terms of entertainment and meal-help. We don't go out without a bag full of stuff: the eldest has mini-jigsaws, colouring, stickers, snap, books. The youngest mainly has picture books, but can manage some stickers or colouring. However both need fairly constant interaction until the food is there!

iPads don't work for us - it makes them worse!

In terms of them having meltdowns - specifically what about? Is it that they don't want to sit still? They don't want to wait for food? They want to play? Is it always the same thing they meltdown about?

Sadly at 2, a lot of kids aren't great at amusing themselves my 3yo was a nightmare and if you're going out then you need to amuse them. Conversation with DH is fairly limited apart from child-related comments!

We took DS1 to restaurants from when he was tiny and are doing the same with DS2 but around 2 years old there was a stage were we stopped as he was too squirmy, bored and fussy and it was no fun for anyone. We started going again once he grew out of that stage. I'm not sure how long it lasted, maybe 6 - 9 months or so?

That's with one, twins at 2yrs would be no fun at all! They'll settle down a bit once they get older and there's no benefit to dragging them when when you know it's going to be terrible.

Yanbu

I no longer enjoy eating out with my children as they take it in turns to kick off or I spend my time chopping up their food or picking stuff up off the floor.

I'd much prefer a take away in peace once they are in bed

You have 2 two year olds. Therefore double the chance that one will act up. I’m sure one acting up sets the other off....

Most people will have a 2 year old accompanied by a baby sibling or an older sibling therefore less chance of the bad behaviour spreading like wildfire.

Take them one at a time. If it was my house I can almost guarantee they will act perfect when not accompanied by their sibling. Then your husband will realise what his mother dealt with and what you have to deal with.

Yanbu - that doesn't sound like fun for anyone. Meals out are supposed to be relaxed and enjoyable and many two year olds would struggle to sit down for longer than 30 mins.

We've had horrific experiences with ds, who is a serial fiddler, extremely low boredom threshold. As a toddler we only really enjoyed meals in the summer, when we could go to a nice family friendly beer garden. He's a delight to take out now, on the whole (he's 8). Dd (2) is much better than he was, much more easily entertained with books, small toys and conversation. But I wouldn't put myself through a meal with her that lasted more than an hour.

Agree with you. It’s just stressful for you and annoying for others. Wait till they’re 3+. I’m even more extreme and I’m refusing to go abroad again until our youngest DC is 3!!! It just isn’t a holiday chasing them around somewhere that isn’t routine to baby proof

We used to take our children out when they were very young. Order their main courses to arrive with your starters and then ice cream or similar for them when you eat your main courses. Choose somewhere that you know has swift service. When ordering drinks for them ask for the glass to only be filled halfway. Saves hugely on spillages.
Good luck and enjoy.

Going out should be a pleasure not a trial. It sounds like they’d be happier waiting until they were more able to cope. Go out for meals without them.

Yanbu not wanting to spend your time eating out if it’s going to be hell for you!
We’ve always taken our two dd (5&2) We mainly do brunch, late lunch or early dinner when places aren’t too rammed. We don’t go anywhere too posh, we take crayons and little toys. We play eye spy or talk about what’s going on around us. Another one here who feels I pads make my kids worse! My youngest had a phase of throwing tantrums, we realised she hated the high chairs (she has a taller ‘normal’ chair at home) so I just let her sit on a normal chair. Sorted. Kids go through phases, but you have to pick your battles, if it’s not worth it for you don’t do it! Let him go alone if he’s so desperate I’m sure he’ll change his tune!

I have fond memories of lots of lovely lunches out at nice places with DC1 when he was 2. He would sit perfect and we would have nice long chats. Then DC2 was born, and at 2yo is an entirely different child. Now we eat exclusively in McDonald's or soft play. I'm ok with that, tbh.

I am surprised by the idea to go to buffet restaurants, carvery, IKEA or McD. That’s not a restaurant to learn to sit, wait for food and talk to each other.

It is also my idea of hell and I refuse to pay money for the food in these places, they are loud, children are mayhem and in my opinion just mean other children catch the hype and behave like that as well.

I am surprised by the idea to go to buffet restaurants, carvery, IKEA or McD. That’s not a restaurant to learn to sit, wait for food and talk to each other.

But learning to st and wait for food isn't working for the OP with two two year olds so it needs a different approach. getting in fed and out until they understand that food comes or they get old enough not to melt down when they are hungry or tired etc.

there is no one approach as no two DC are the same and having two the same age or very similar age is very different to having one or having more with a bigger age difference.

@reluctantbrit Absolutely my children still have to behave at a carvery or buffet. However, what they don't have to do is wait hours for food. You sound a bit snobby about the quality of experience - we have a couple of lovely buffets locally which are definitely 'nice' restaurants. Kids running around would not be the done thing. Although even in the Toby Carverys I've been to I've never seen kids running around. It's just not the time or the place.

Well, I may be snobbish. Shrug, could be. I just think these restaurants are not ideal for children you can’t sit still as the whole atmosphere is rushed and not quite.

And I fully confess that a buffet is my idea of hell.

Lol!! I get what you are saying. But my kids will try things on a buffet that they wouldn't order in case they don't like it. Although even I balked when there were chips alongside the veg at a carvery once.....oh, and baked beans!!!!

What grinds my gears is when I see Mum struggling with two small children while dad is oblivious or looks on disapprovingly. Split the little darlings and be responsible for one each.