DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

Slash his tyres

He
Is
Being
A
Twat

In his head he’s got the mantra ‘it’s my holiday so I should have some me time’ you are trying to accommodate that. He’s taking the piss and seems to have forgotten that you too are entitled to ‘me time’. You both have kids! That said you have to let him do it, and more importantly are you asking for what you wAnt or just letting time drift by so he thinks it’s bike time? I would suggest you find a nice spa hotel close by and go for a massage, go for a walk with breakfast and a magazine etc. you’re not going to get a rest with the kids tbh. Tell him you’re picking up a takeaway on way home and he can go for a ride when you’re back. I would definitely show him this thread!

All this tit for tat answers are missing the fundamental point that it’s not normal or nice to treat your partner like this. You shouldn’t have to score points to prove a point- I think once you have to start doing that the marriage is dead to be honest. There’s no love or respect there.

*these, not this.

We've had, and still do, amazing self-catering holidays. That's because we're a team, not one sexist, selfish arse and his enabler.

I think if he was pulling his weight the rest of the time this wouldn't be such an annoyance for you. But I understand why it is. He should be mucking in to ensure that you both get down time. Could you explain to him this, that you feel frustrated as although it's meant to be a nice getaway for the family, it isn't for you as you are still lumbered with all the chores. Tell him he needs to pull his weight and then there will be no issues if he wants to go out an hours cycle, but also you should get some downtime as well, whatever that consists of, going a walk, him taking the kids and you getting an hour or two with a book, I'm not sure what interests you but it's only fair that you both are doing your equal share and both getting your equal relaxation time.

What kind of fucking holiday is this?!?!?!

Sounds like you wouldn't mind if he went for a cycle ride provided he picked a convenient time. So say that to him and see if he still acts like an arse.

Oh and go out and ignore the calls. He needs to learn the hard grafting bits of parenting the same way you did.

Next time - but actually I'd refuse to let there be a next time until there are some changes- either get takeaways or go for low preparation food, DCs won't die if they live on pizzas and ready made pasta with sauce for a week.

It wouldn’t annoy you if he was actually being a parent the rest of the time!
Tell him to pull his weight with the kids and you’ll have no problem with him having an hour off. Then say you want one too.
It’s not the bike rides that’s the issue, it’s the fact he leaves you to do everything all of the time.

"Yes, after you've cooked dinner and put the kids to bed and I'm back from my lovely walk" ... Then off you pop out OP and do whatever the fuck you like for 2hrs.

He’s not being fair at all but I think there is a very easy way to sort this....

Each evening plan the next day together. So if you're going on a family trip/ he wants to cycle/ you want to do X on your own/ all food needs preparing etc, decide who will do what and when.
Even write it down so it’s there for both of you to see and if he says “can I go for a bike ride?” You just say “It’s all on the list we both agreed organised yesterday”.

Then you both get free time and you both know when.

This is not a holiday.

Your husband is a selfish twat. I think you should have gone through with the divorce. After all you're already doing everything, so what would be different?

You’re not being unreasonable, but you are being a martyr. Just tell him in the morning that it’s his turn to sort the food and kids as you’ve done it all up until now. End of! If the food is late and the kids are grumpy that’s for him to deal with. Do this every other day so you get a rest too. If he says you’re being controlling simply tell him ‘it’s not controlling
Darling, I simply won’t be treated as the hired help on holiday and we’ll keep it fair.

The same for wa for weekends. Yes darling, I’ll happily get up at 6.30am on Saturday, however you’ll return the favour on Sunday.

Go out and do your hobby, ignore the texts and phone calls and go out again the next week.

I actually think it’s your dh that’s being controlling. He’s out you in a lose lose situation and he knows it.

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

Say the above to him - you have no problem with him cycling, but going out during "peak chaos" times makes it stressful.

As a PP said, figure out a good time of the day for him to go out - and you need an hour off as well.

What's his reason for not cycling mid-afternoon which is your preferred convenient time?

Why is meal time, especially breakfast, peak chaos for you? I'm a bit confused about that. Is that a 'getting ready to leave the house in time for school' problem... but then apparently also peak chaos while on holiday. So I'm confused.

He needs waaay more practice with the kids Because when it's 50/50 when you're at home, why does it all go to shit for him when you're on holiday?

You are NOT the default childcare - perhaps he could explain why he is treating you like you are?

Well since he;s being an arse my temptation would be to bugger off to a spa for 3 hours while he sorts the kids but in reality I'd just talk to him and decide between you when you each get an hour of kid free time each day to do your own thing.

Yeah he’s playing you. He could easily go another time. When I say to DH ‘can you cycle later because XYZ’ or ‘can you skip it tonight and go tomorrow because abc’ do you know what he says? ‘Yeah, sure’ no atmosphere, no fuss.

He knows what he’s doing. The question is whether he cares.

I tried to initiate one evening a week when I could go to the gym, but the second week I did it, I finished my class to find three missed calls from him and a bunch of WhatsApps asking how long I was going to be.

so you ignore ignore ignore until he learns to be an adult and a parent. He is asking you if it is ok to go for a bike ride so he can
a. Think "well she said I could so I don't feel any guilt about her doing all of the work"
or
b. Think "well she said I couldn't so she is a controlling bitch"

win win for him. Honestly, why do you put up with this. When he "asks" if he can go for a bike ride at breakfast or dinner just say "don't be silly - you have to get the toddler to bed/breakfast/whatever. but go whenever you are finished"

He is taking you for a complete mug. He doesn't sound very nice at all.

I honestly have no idea why people put up with relationships like this. Do you know it's not normal, OP?

My OH and I have our own hobbies but if one of us said "could you do yours at a different time because feeding the kids alone is really stressful for me", the other would just say yes of course! Because neither of us wants to leave the other in a stressful situation! Because we're considerate and love each other.

tomorrow morning go for a relaxing run / walk for an hour at breakfast time and again at dinner time. do no cooking tomorrow. do no washing up.

Doesn’t sound like a holiday for you.

I’d eff off to the nearest hotel and let him deal with it all. Maybe next time he won’t want self catering.

Just get up early tomorrow and fuck off. Even if he doesn’t manage to get his shit together to cook anything all day no one will starve. In fact, you can come back pile kids in the car and take them to the nearest pub for chips. Leave him behind.

YANBU. Tell him to go cycling at 5.30am so he's back in time to look after DC and let you have a lie in. No cycle until after lunch and clear up is done and no cycling until after DC's bedtime. He needs to pull his weight.

I would change the meal time for when he arrives back or provide him nothing to eat if he can’t be arsed to help, you’re on holiday too