DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

💐

Your DH is doing this deliberately to put you on the spot.

If you give in to it you will, be a slave to your whole family until you die. The DC will learn it from him and do it too.

I know because I stupidly did it.

Rewrite the ground rules for next time. When you are choosing a holiday assert that it is your holiday too and you want time off and bike rides. ( Or whatever.) Don’t go self catering again but pick a holiday where meals are catered and laundry done. Or pay someone to do the chores and cleaning. Divide the DC up and say, ‘I’ll dress this one and you do that one.’ List the jobs and divide them up.

I just spent hours cooking a roast lamb and five vegetables in a dodgy holiday oven. I asked my DH to put the oven on and he put the grill on instead delaying the dinner for 40 minutes. Everyone was annoyed at my good humoured rushing around and complained. No one was grateful. The DH drank too much and shouted at me.

I am not doing it again. We can eat out.

OP, you do not want to turn into me. Be warned now before these patterns are burned in.

Seems a bit wierd he has to go at exactly the same time everyday on holiday! I'd find that really wierd I'd say here u go mate kids r washed an fed I'm off out enjoy your day!

Oh OP, I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. See this as your breaking point, a line in the sand.

I recognise some of my DH in yours, although fortunately he doesn’t have a hobby like that and he’s not as selfish. But there are some things that wind me up so much and I really struggle.

Say we are going out for the day, he will disappear for the world’s longest shower while I do all the chores, dress our two young children with SEN (not easy), give them breakfast. He has no sense of urgency. Then I’m rushing through getting ready in a quarter of the time he took as I always feel guilty about taking any time for myself and feel like I’m taking time away from our day out.

He tried to pull the strategic incompetence thing for ages until I just thought fuck it. Now, if he asks me something that I don’t know and would have to look up (eg what’s the weather doing tomorrow, what’s going out of date in the fridge, etc) I just say “I don’t know” and let him figure it out. If it something I do know but that he should know too, I act incredulous that he doesn’t know it. For example we usually do nursery drop off together and wrangle one child each but I had to work one morning so he took them on his own. I told him that the staff had said if he phoned when he arrived they’d come and help him get the children inside safely. He said “I don’t know their phone number”. I said “well just google it”. He said “I don’t know what the nursery is called”. I was dumbfounded - you don’t know what it’s called? They’re your children too. We drop them off and drive past the big sign with the name on - how do you not know?

I’ve just decided I’m not doing it any more. He has an easy WFH job, my life is infinitely harder than his, and when he’s not working he has to pull his weight or he can have them on his own for weekends from now on!

From your DH’s side, he’s not making any concessions and you’re making them all. That has to stop, now. If he’s the one who doesn’t want to waste money on eating out, he can do all the grunt work.

Saz432 my DH can be like that sometimes - I push back very hard and tell him I'm not his auxilary brain It's the same rule for work and home; person asks once, that's normal. Twice, that's acceptable. Three times: fucking write it down if you have such a bad memory!

In return for that question you ask a question. Which part of this week is a holiday for me?

What exactly have you done that makes this week a holiday for you? Sounds like nothing! I discuss this with DH when I see all these men in their 30s/40s out cycling in Yorkshire. I say I bet they’ve got young kids and I bet their wives are at home looking after them! It actually really pisses me off.

I think you're running the holiday like you do at home, not controlling as such, more routine. Let go a bit, leave the breakfast dishes if he buggers off and take the kids for a walk, make him do them when he gets back. Same at tea time, leave the dishes and sort the kids, he can wash up after he's showered. Get out of your routine a bit, you'll hopefully feel less exhausted from the change

I'm not sure if this has been said - I didn't read all of the 14 pages - but he's using a clever form of manipulation and I don't even have a suggestion how to address it I'm afraid. He asks you an open question to give you choice and semblance of power (which you can then be blamed for depending on how far the manipulation goes; "I shouldn't have to ask you anyway), while only being willing to accept one answer & going out of his way to punish you for the answer he didn't want. The hope is that he can force you to give the answer he wants consistently for fear of the consequence re atmosphere - & of course, as far as he's concerned it's all your choice & you have the power, because he's "having to ask you". YANBU, he's being manipulative and that's why you think you are.

I just checked back for updates on the pages I hadn't read - now realise you've had the conversation with him. Well done & stick with the mentality that whatever he says about it, you are in the right and that's an unerrable truth. Don't let it "blow over" as is his intention I'm sure, either. Use this as a "remember how we talked about" reference point if it comes up again. He'll soon address it once he realises he couldn't turn it into just an argument that then passes & that practical change/offer of solution is the only way forward

OP's probably back home now. She started this thread on Monday, and hasn't been back for a few days, so posting "helpful" advice, that's already been suggested many times, is pointless. She's not reading it.

Did you go & buy all the food for holiday too? Did he help with packing or anything?

What helped for me & might at least work for you on hols is to have a family meeting after tea each night to identify & assign jobs that need done the next day & if it's anyone's 'turn' for time out. Seeing jobs listed to be done rather than as default jobs for you might help the perspective. And so what if the little ones want you? They need to learn & dh needs to cultivate his own ways to deal with it. Take a book & go to a pub for an hour tomorrow after dinner. You would feel better about him going cycling at a more convenient time if you did have a break from all the normal drudgery. Hope things improve for you

He sounds like a twat - and his behaviour re your gym time - unacceptable

I understand the financial need to self-cater on holiday, especially if you’re sharing the costs. But if you bear an unfair portion of all the work then he needs to step up or grow up- he can’t have it both ways! Tbh mine’s a lot like this so to avoid additional tensions I tend to just disappear for an hour or so ‘for a jog’ and then just do what I like, dreaming over a tasty local beverage about how to ltb once the kids are older. It’s horrible to be so completely taken for granted, and it’s not easy to change anyone else’s point of view. Yadnbu

You need to discuss this before the holiday telling him you don't mind him bike riding, but when it's convenient, i.e. after he has helped with the chores.

Yep. He is being ridiculous. Tell him he can go when the two of you have gotten the kids settled and the housework done. Then you can curl up on the sofa with a book or something while he is cycling and get a couple of hours to yourself, which is sounds like you really need and deserve.

Appreciate eating out expensive my tips for self catering on holiday-
Research before hand for easy recipes local to where you are. Nothing more depressing than eating same stuff as at home
Do shopping list for these recipes before you leave
Person that doesn’t normally do the supermarket shop does the supermarket shop with the list
EVERYONE does the cooking or alternatively the person that doesn’t do it usually does it on their own
We have been away 9 nights ate out 3 dh cooked 5 I cooked 1
EVERYONE clears up

Other trick is to both do dinner when clearing up breakfast then when the evening comes you can have drinks and crisps and feel like someone else cooked it for you

He should be asking ‘how can I help?’! Or What do we need to do next? Give me something to do?! Gees what a lamo. Tell him to go for a night cycle or a dawn cycle when the kids are asleep. Acting like a teenage boy. You could just do the same and ask to bugger off yourself for a nice soak or walk. Take turns and let him sort dinner by himself. See how he likes it. Tell him your too exhausted to do dinner and bed this evening and you need a break.

So infuriating! I find reversing the roles helps- eg explain the experience from your position ideally without emotion, just descriptively. “This morning I did this, then this, then I did this, is this a holiday for me would you say?” Ask him to do the same (explaining what he has done so far this holiday). He may have been responsible for things you haven’t thought of (or may not! 😁)

Another thing that winds me up is the idea that he should ask you what needs doing....I personally never applied for the job of household manager, why is the overall running up to me? Aren’t we meant to be two equal adult partners both responsible for feeding and clothing ourselves and our joint offspring? Might be getting a bit too involved here! But you get the idea.

If I were you just before dinner time I’d say I’m just popping out for an hour ‘so and so is for dinner if you can sort it please’ then I’d take my book find a nice country pub, order myself a drink and have an hour of peace and quiet to then get back and see how he likes it, I’d then have a nice hot bath when back so he can clean up too. Also if he is doing this regularly so should you, it should be taken in turns. One day on one day off. Or even better do it together which by the sounds of it is what you want anyway and it seems he’d rather be spending his time doing other things. I have 3 kids. If we do self catered holidays I demand we eat out every night because no way I’m cooking on my holiday other then the odd breakfast. It’s your holiday too xxx

Btw that wasn’t a dig at you Moon2, just a personal irritation for me. The ‘Gees what a lamo’ made me 😁

It is utterly lame though isn't it albeit it not actually apathy and laziness, it's total manipulation and selfishness. Aside from that, he clearly (very) fit of body (super fit, all that cycling) and apart from his selfish manipulative cockness, he is VERY much sound of mind as well.

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing.

He rides (literally) roughshod over OP fully in the knowledge of what he's doing with a flying fuck for her; she's incidental to his needs as are the children.

I hope OP can realise that she needs to very strongly state her case and take practical steps to challenge this behaviour because with people like this, a reasoned chat very rarely shows any positive effects (sadly). You either demonstrate it overtly to the dim-witted person concerned in some of the ways suggested on here - or you keep on taking it. Either the overt practical demonstration of how wrong he is will cause an epiphany in the OPs DH and he's miraculously change his ways (unlikely, sadly, but a possibility) or she then has to decide if this is the life she wants for herself going forward. And her children of course.

If OP was employed as a maid she'd get more time to herself and consideration than she does as the wife and that's incredibly sad. She deserves so much better it's just that there are many men out there who won't give of that freely, they have to be knobs and take and take and take instead and their needs and wishes always come first. How convenient it is for them to be able to compartmentalise their thoughts like this - treating themselves like a fine antique that must be cared for, nourished, protected, whilst all around them, all the other individuals are just bit part players in the ensemble, scenery and cast to support their needs and their needs only. The sheer arrogance and unkindness of it just floors me.

YANBU. I’d present him with concrete facts. ‘So far on this holiday I have cooked x times, loaded the dishwasher x times, cleared the table x times and had x hours of free time to myself where I’ve gone out on my own. It’s now time for ME to have a break and YOU to take a turn doing your share.’ You nailed it when you said your holiday is about you providing a lovely relaxing break for everyone but yourself. You’re not his bloody holiday butler service. Seems he needs it spelling out.

Is he a dick or are you a martyr?

^this. Although it could be a bit of both, since both behaviours encourage each other.

It's actually really simple. You say for every meal I cook you should cook one, for every hour you get sans tasks I should have one, don't take no for an answer because that's fair, and it is your holiday as well.

Next time, maybe don't do self-catering.