Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

369 replies

LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:14

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

OP posts:
WhataLovelyPear · 15/04/2019 20:31

You must be married to my ex!
I can remember one disastrous holiday when I managed, with a lot of begging, to negotiate an afternoon wandering round the local shops while he looked after the kids. He acted so hard done to and I had to keep repeating to myself "it's ONE afternoon in a whole week". Not that it did much good - I'd been gone about half an hour when he rang me and demanded I go back as the prop had broken on the boat and he needed to get a replacement.
Which is a really long winded way of saying no, YANBU. It's your holiday too. He sounds like a manchild asking his mum if he can go out to play, when he should be an adult negotiating the work load so you both have some leisure time.

Original poster
LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:31

When we’re at home he’s much more 50/50 with the chores, but the cycling thing still causes rows. He used to want to do it at 6.30am both weekend days, meaning I never got a lie in (I work full time btw) and had to get up with our toddler and do breakfast for the three DCs both mornings for the weekend. I had to take things to the brink of a divorce just to negotiate him going later on Sunday mornings and sorting the kids, just so I could get a lie in. It’s still a sore point.

OP posts:
Floralhousecoat · 15/04/2019 20:31

Op you need to stop feeling bad about saying no. They are his kids. 50 percent his responsibility. He's relying on you feeling bad and saying yes. Feel comfortable saying no. Own your no. Tell him he can either go really early before kids are up or after he's done kids mealtimes, bed and bathtimes when you can relax while he's out. Otherwise it's really not fair on you.

Don't feel bad saying no. It will liberate you.

Creatureofthenight · 15/04/2019 20:31

Is this behaviour new this holiday or is he always good at weaselling his way out of stuff?

MojoMoon · 15/04/2019 20:32

He is absolutely doing it deliberately.
And sulking about it when called out on it.

It must be difficult to have any respect for him.

What would happen if you said " tomorrow, I would like you to take charge of all the food preparation and clearing up?"

How do you think he would respond?
How would you respond - would you be able to leave him to it or feel the need to step in and help out (thus encouraging incompetence from him)?

LuckyLou7 · 15/04/2019 20:33

Next time, book an all-inclusive holiday somewhere glorious, and relax by the pool in the sun all day long, eating meals cooked by someone else and drinking cocktails in the evening, while the children have fun at the kids club during the day and the disco at night. Wink
Self-catering holidays aren't a holiday.

Original poster
LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:33

I tried to initiate one evening a week when I could go to the gym, but the second week I did it, I finished my class to find three missed calls from him and a bunch of WhatsApps asking how long I was going to be.

OP posts:
Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 20:34

He shares the chores 50/50 and he isn’t allowed to go out for bike ride at 6.30 am on the weekends because you want a lie in? He doesn’t seem so bad

user1480880826 · 15/04/2019 20:34

He sounds like a bit of a dick. Is he this useless at home or just on holiday? Is he totally oblivious to all of the work that you’re doing to look after everybody?

I’m not really sure why you’re letting him get away with it. You seem like an intelligent and articulate person yet he is treating you like a skivvy. You need to remind him that it’s your holiday too and that they are his kids too. He should be doing 50% of the cooking, cleaning etc etc. and he can go cycling on his ruddy bike when the kids are in bed (or take them with him!).

FishFace2019 · 15/04/2019 20:34

There is so much wrong with this I don’t know where to begin.
Tomorrow morning get up early. Get yourself ready. Tell him you are going out for the day, on your own. Then go. Yes he will of course ensure the place looks like a bombs hit it when you return. But you will pour yourself a big glass of wine and ignore that.

jay55 · 15/04/2019 20:34

So he's forcing you into a position where you have to do all the shit work and child care on Holliday but you're the controlling one?

He's a cock.

Creatureofthenight · 15/04/2019 20:34

Sorry cross posted.
Well if you both work full time (I am presuming he does) why the hell are you allowing yourself to get stuck with all the work on holiday? Tell him it’s your holiday too and he needs to contribute.

UnusualBluePenguin · 15/04/2019 20:34

He should be helping a lot more with all the jobs and kids and then you get 50/50 'down time' if he is not a great cook, easy food would be fine eg nice bought picnic food, something you just reheat. Then some eating out if you can afford it. Cleaning etc you take in turns while the other looks after the kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2019 20:34

This is a holiday?! You might as well have stayed home.

FishFace2019 · 15/04/2019 20:35

Oh I forgot something. Before you leave you will of course be letting the tyres down on his stupid kids toy of a bike.

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 20:35

Is he in during the evenings? You get yourself to the gym a few times a week. Don’t ask just go. Also tell him not to bother calling as you won’t answer when you’re in gym

Original poster
LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:35

What would happen if you said " tomorrow, I would like you to take charge of all the food preparation and clearing up

He would do it. But he would probably have to ask me at least once for help with something really simple and obvious. Also, when meals are left up to him, they’re often about an hour late and the kids are all feral with hunger and/or tiredness by the time we eat.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 15/04/2019 20:36

Just say "well you went out for a ride when I cooked and cleaned up this meal and this meal and this meal - so do you really think it's fair if you go off again? when are you going to cook and bathe the kids/wash up/do some laundry? or do you think I'm here to do this every day on our family holiday so that you can cycle?"

You're not being controlling, he is BU. What's he like with the domestics when you're not on holiday?

happiermummy · 15/04/2019 20:37

YANBU at all. He sounds inconsiderate.

Soubriquet · 15/04/2019 20:37

He sounds like he’s doing it on purpose so you have to do it and then he can fuck off and do what he likes as he’s worse than no help

macblank · 15/04/2019 20:37

OP

Does your DH work really hard all year, and this is his escape, while you're being mum/housewife (please don't take that wrong, it's not meant in a derogatory way)?

Does he normally help at home?

If no to all the above, then out ya foot down. Tell him, ITS YOUR HOLIDAY TOO! if he whinges, tough stick by it.

If yes to all the above, then let him be, so long as not entirely swinging the lead! If this is his annual holiday from struggling and working damned hard all year, let him have his hour ... But CONDITIONAL. you must have a chance to go off also.

Wallywobbles · 15/04/2019 20:38

Tomorrow you go out anywhere at meal prep time. You send him a WhatsApp saying I'll be back after supper, which is x, and bedtime. I'm turning my phone off because it's time you did it and thought for yourself.

Deadringer · 15/04/2019 20:39

Sounds like a shit holiday, for you anyway. Yes darling, of course you can go for a bike ride, once all the shit work is done. Or leave the dishwasher/laundry for him to do when he comes back.

Original poster
LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:40

He shares the chores 50/50 and he isn’t allowed to go out for bike ride at 6.30 am on the weekends because you want a lie in? He doesn’t seem so bad

But I also work full time and I do 50% of the chores and I’m ‘not allowed’ a lie in because I have to get up earlier than I want to in order to facilitate his cycling. How is that fair?

OP posts:
TrumpsFerret · 15/04/2019 20:40

Op this isn't a fair relationship.

I completely agree he needs his own time and that sometimes, that will overlap with family time. But, it is give and take and you need some time to yourself too.

I am in the same boat as you with children and a husband with a hobby. I know how important that hobby is to him for his health and mental health. So, I do take one for the team sometimes. But, the difference is, he gives me the same respect back and helps with other stuff and constantly reminds me to have my own time and tried to work around that too.

It is important to him clearly but he needs to help you and realise what is important to you too and strike a balance.

Small ones and multiple kids are stressful and maybe all the huffing is deflecting frustrations onto you as he is struggling to cope with them. It's no coincidence he is going out at the more testing times, is it.

Have a good chat...