DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

The issue is you're not being controlling enough. Tomorrow tell him when the ideal time would be, and that you'd like help at x,y and z times and what that help is.

He's clearly picking thr times to avoid the work.so take control and tell him in advance. First thing in thr morning inform him.

And don't do self catering holidays. They are always just the same shit in a different location. Next time pick a hotel and eat out.

OP, au have a cyclist DH as well. It can get very addictive and if they get the urge, they feel they have to go.

First let’s stsrt with the positives - atvleast he does stuff at home.

Could you sit him down and say that you’re not going self-catering again as you feel kid you’ve had no break whatsoever. See what he suggests?

Say you have no problem with his bike rides m, but could he agree in asset time - ie. not mealtimes?

I know what you’re saying - there is no “ideal” time. If it were me, I’d suggest the mornings before breakfast and at least then he’s hopefully got it out his system for the day.

Then force yourself to take some “time out”, even if it’s just for a walk. If you say he’s ok with it, then you be ok with it too. So what if dinner is an hour late - so be it. They will survive.

I think maybe the answer is to learn to carve some space for yourself, rather than letting resentment build.

I’m not defending him entirely but you sound quite rigid and inflexible. If you’ve meal planned the week it leaves no room for him to wing it for a few meals. Why not just grab some general picnicy food and let meals flow a bit more? I can see why he feels you are in control of meals as you’ve really taken that control.
But at the same time you seem reluctant to tell him when he should cycle. Or to take a walk/run/spa hour yourself.

Dh and I always have an hour each per day on holiday. The kids are awake for 12 hours a day, they’ll cope with both parents going for some alone time.

He sounds like a dick.

His cycling time, his down time, his desire to skip throwing in with the drudge work on his holiday is selfish. Who does he think is magically sorting out the food, the laundry, the kids, the picking up while he's disappearing on his holiday? I think he's forgotten it's supposed to be your holiday as well ... you're just there to facilitate his holiday by the sounds of it. And he's putting you on the spot to pretend he's being considerate when he knows fine well he's not.

And it sounds like he's not much better at home. He doesn't need to cycle very fucking morning if you would like a weekly lie in. He doesn't need to hound you if you dare to go to the gym one evening a week until you come home and help him do what you do day in and day out. What a selfish wanker, wearing you down until you just keep doing it all yourself.

You need to re institute time for yourself and turn your phone off until you return to the house.

You need to tell him you're lying in once in a while on holiday while he sorts out the kids and he can cook and chase them about while you go have a nice walk in the evening. If he leaves it too late and doesn't feed them when they need to be fed, tell him you'll go down to the pub while he fixes the resulting poor behaviour because you're fed up with him dumping it all on you.

I think he's being a bit of a jerk but this does sound incredibly rigid for a holiday. And if leaving him in charge means the kids have to wait longer for dinner then so be it. I think you are both actually being controlling.

My OH and I have our own hobbies but if one of us said "could you do yours at a different time because feeding the kids alone is really stressful for me", the other would just say yes of course! Because neither of us wants to leave the other in a stressful situation! Because we're considerate and love each other.

this sums it up. Maybe the OP is a bit rigid (mind you I was a lot more rigid about schedules when I had a toddler) but why does her husband want to leave her with all the work? he is supposed to love her - why doesn't he want her to enjoy her holiday too?

I get this as my DP runs and with 3 kids to be honest there is no good time and if it was me on holiday I would probably say it isnt convenient it wont kill him to miss it for a week. That said what is with the full weeks meals bought and planned that sounds no fun at all for anyone and that isnt what a holiday should be about. Is it a money thing if not ditch it and eat out or do takeaway otherwise its really not a holiday at all.

I tried to initiate one evening a week when I could go to the gym, but the second week I did it, I finished my class to find three missed calls from him and a bunch of WhatsApps asking how long I was going to be.

And ...?

Some phone calls, whatsapps and feigned helplessness made you give up going? Why are you buying into this? You need to stand your ground.

but the second week I did it, I finished my class to find three missed calls from him and a bunch of WhatsApps asking how long I was going to be.
“20 minutes longer for every time you call or text”

You’ve taught him if he does it badly he doesn’t have to do it again.

Tell him dinner needs to be at x time and he needs to start earlier rather than it being an hour late.

Tell him it’s not up to you to give him permission, it’s up to him to decide if it’s a good time for him to go and whether he feels he should be doing more to carry the load. Remind him you are all supposed to be on holiday, not just him.

When we go self-catering, it's always strictly on the basis that the catering element will be minimal - we'll go out a lot and have take-aways, we'll have soup, bread and cheese/pate lunches, we'll have ready made meals and things like pasties and pies. The cottage will have a dishwasher and both of us will be responsible for loading and emptying it. Clothes washing whilst on holiday will be kept to the bare minimum. I suggest you insist on the same in future.

My husband used to do the exact same thing to me (same details - cycling but usually for 3-4 hours 3-4 times a week and both working full time etc) and I felt exactly as you do.

Until one day I said “Actually I do have a problem with that, because it means I’m getting stuck here doing all this every single morning so I want you to stay at home and help or go at some other time.”

No apologies, no negotiations.

He was shocked but he didn’t dare call me controlling ever again. Now he makes his own decisions about whether he goes and actually thinks about if what he’s doing is fair and reasonable.

To be fair, it took me 10 years to work up to it (5 of those with kids).

He's being a dick. You need to tell him so.

Sounds like he isn't really asking for permission ,he is wanting you to say yes so he can go off leaving you with all the work and then turn around and say 'well you agreed',it's sort of passive aggressive imho.
Tell him straight that tomorrow he is doing everything and you are having a day off op.it is your holiday too.

Im lucky as my DH usually does most cokking if we go self catering. I think i would say "could we work out which days/times you will be cycling and which times you are around for meal times?" My DH often goes into his own world and i really don't think he notices that kids need feeding/stuff is happening outside his hobby/intetests!

Just seen your user name. Excellent.

Yanbu. He is controlling you by dictating that you do all the work.

I haven't RTFT but why is he asking you? If he just gets the hump when the answer is no? Tell him to stop that shit, there are two answers to his question and he has to accept either one. He's being the controlling one, getting bad tempered when he doesn't hear what he wants.

I'm not going into the whole division of holiday labour, I'm sure lots of other posters have dealt with it. YANBU in any way

1. He's selfish and doesn't care about you.

1. You cave in way way too easily.

Self catering holidays can be fab, especially with little ones who might struggle to fit in with an hotel's programme

But only if the adults behave like adults and share the jobs. You could both be having a good time if he wasn't an arse.
He could say, I will get up in the morning with the children and do breakfast etc.
Then when you are up I will go for that ride along the route I told you about?
Then we can go out for lunch and pick up something easy for tea.

But note that he would have to behave like a grown up in this plan! He wants 'a holiday', so he would rather be manipulative and selfish than treat you with kindness.

I don't like him at all.

I would not go on this type of holiday with him again.

It sounds as though your one of those silent martyred types, OP. You get on with the work without a word about him sharing the workload, and then resent it afterwards. If he says can I go for a bike ride, you say "yes of course but THIS needs doing first" - indicating the sink full of washing up. OR "yes of course but first we need to get the kids ready and then do the food shopping.

I know women think men should KNOW what needs doing, but they often have a massive blind spot and need to be told. Either that, or they're just lazy. Either way, take control. You're not controlling enough!

I don’t know why you couldn’t just ignore all the phone calls and make a weekly gym / you night sacred, you need to work on assertiveness.
I would have a lot of answers that don’t say no. Of course darling but if I do another solo dinner prep and serve, including today, on this holiday then I am never ever going on another holiday with your bike unless it is only ever used for family bike rides with the kids, nothing else. Up to you.
Of course, if those kids watching tv aren’t yours then why would you be here to cook dinner? If they are yours it’s a different story.
Of course, if you’ve cooked served and cleaned dinner at least half of the nights so far. If not you have some catching up to do you should focus on instead.
We love self catering holidays. But my dh got a bit selfish i would have no trouble disappearing and leaving him to it. And he can do a stellar job of cooking and serving them all dinner , doing bath bed and clean up.

Sorry if I’ve missed this but as you’re on a family holiday, why can’t he go out cycling with the older children during the day? I assume he’s not training for the Tour de France so why not share his (urgh!) love of two wheels with his children! Then you get a break, of sorts, and he can still do his very important hobby.

I agree with others, make this your last self catering holiday, ever.

So you had your hobby, and he ruined it by calling and texting so you gave it up

He’s really won there. He knows how this game works and he’s winning at it,

I would get yourself to shit hot couples therapy now
Or shit hot lawyer.

And it’s ALWAYS CYCLING!

I was originally going to post saying how unreasonable he is. Then I applied my thinking to similar experiences in my life and I'm now wondering... Do you think he'd prefer to have more flexibility and to eat out more? I know I've felt much the same as you on self-catering holidays; trying to do everything perfectly; packing, cooking, cleaning up etc. The fact is, my dp wants to rest on holiday and would be happy paying to eat out or just winging it more. ........ And then we'd spend a fortune on meals out and I'd be holidaying with hangry man. No, fuck that! Of course he's being unreasonable!

Get through this as best you can and then book yourself a break without him. Remember this and don't do self-catering with him again.