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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

369 replies

LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:14

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

OP posts:
Shapesandshops · 15/04/2019 20:40

Ready meals. Wine. McDonald's. Pub. All factored in to the holiday. Just no issue about shitwork, just fun.

Creatureofthenight · 15/04/2019 20:40

RTFT macblank, OP works FT....

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 20:41

Why do you need to get up at 6.30 am?

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 15/04/2019 20:42

I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

If he is hell bent on lone cycling on what should be a FAMILY holiday then he either needs to go before the kids are up and dressed or after they are in bed. If he disagrees beat him to it tomorrow and tell him it’s your turn for alone time that it is his time to cook and you will be back in time to eat. See how he likes it.
Go and have a coffee, a drive or Just go and sit in the car if need be.

diddl · 15/04/2019 20:42

"Honestly, I'd pack the car up and go home."

Yup-alone!

RavenousBabyButterfly · 15/04/2019 20:42

I would beat him to it and ask him if you can go for a walk before he asks you about a bike ride. Go out and leave him in charge of children and dinner even if you don't really feel like it. Put the shoe on the other foot.

Sockworkshop · 15/04/2019 20:42

He is pushing you into a lose/lose situation.

If you say yes ,you are lumbered with all the chores.
If you say no,he punishes you by sulking and calling you controlling.
Manipulative dick !
Ask him what he thinks he should do ?
Given there are 3 children who need feeding/washing/putting to bed .

He gets to go out after breakfast etc is done and you get to do what you want before dinner.

Butterymuffin · 15/04/2019 20:43

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

Tell him this and then when he whines about how he has to go NOW, you can say 'you keep telling me I'm being controlling, but you're the one who can only go for a ride at this precise time, so you seem like the controlling one. And I'm sick of this only being a holiday for you and not for me'. Stop being timid about this. Find your anger.

Cherrysoup · 15/04/2019 20:43

What a shit holiday. Tell him no and tell him exactly why, like you be told us. He's being horrible and you know it. He's deliberately avoiding the DC related chores.

WildFlower2019 · 15/04/2019 20:45

"No darling, you can't go out on a bike ride... it's your turn to do lunch and entertain the kids for an hour. I've got a spa treatment booked"

😁😁😁😁

Atalune · 15/04/2019 20:45

Fuck me what a selfish shit.

So you need to get up tomorrow, all breezy and say “right darling, I’m off for around an hour, see you later on” then take yourself off for at least an hour. Come back. Go upstairs, shower and get ready for the day. See how he copes with that. And if he date says....but I’m going cycling- you can say- yes but I’m going out. Cheerio!

And if he dare calls you out on it then perhaps it would be then a good time to point out that your time, your needs, your hobbie (which is coffee, cake and paper or whatever Grin) is just as valuable as his and your self care is just as important. So cycling for him and bypassing the drudge of parenting, cafe life for you also bypassing the drudge of parenting. It’s a battle of wills but you can win it.

I would also bend his tire. But I am capable of being a petty cow bag.

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2019 20:46

Does he actually know that you are not his mother, and that HE HAS CHILDREN. Does he think the fairies do al the work?
Tomorrow he clears up after any meal you cook, or vice Verda.
How thick is he? Why don’t you split the work?

unicorncupcake · 15/04/2019 20:47

Truly honestly? I think there’s a bit of fault on both sides. He clearly feels like he won’t get stuff right regardless so probably feels like there’s not much point bothering. Your tone about him is very negative. Having every meal planned sounds really claustrophobic and controlling-it’s a holiday! Get a takeaway, chippy lunch etc etc. Try to Take some of the pressure off yourself/lower your standards a bit. And he needs to go cycling at more convenient times.

WildFlower2019 · 15/04/2019 20:47

"You want to go on a bike ride and leave me to do all the kid-related chores? It's fine by me. But only if YOU think it's fair. If YOU think it's fair, you go and enjoy."

You're not saying no, the Ball is back in his court and he can't take the hump. 😁😁

Warpdrive · 15/04/2019 20:47

And when he asks you, you can laugh and say 'Im sure you'll work it out' and off you scoot to the shops for a nice mooch, and maybe you'll find a lovely cafe somewhere where you can have a coffee and a cake and read some vacuous magazine while your phone is firmly switched off. You're going to have to actively change the direction of this relationship before you end up with no real perspective of what a marriage should be. And when you return and he tells you how exhausted he is, you can agree and tell him it's only while they're little, but yes it is tiring so you're going to need him to step up and let you have time out while it's your holiday too.

Snog · 15/04/2019 20:48

Why not talk about how you feel and ask for what you want?
I would ask which days he would prefer to cook and expect home to wash up on th other days. Chores and childcare need to be shared fairly.

If DH likes to go out cycling you should also get to choose an activity even if it is having a relaxing bath or playing cards as a family. If you can jointly plan your activities in advance then there shouldn't be any friction later on. I think this is a communication issue.

ALLMYSmellySocks · 15/04/2019 20:48

Like PP suggested I'd totally beat him to it and say "actually I think I'm going to go for a walk for an hour, there's XYZ for the kids dinner, make sure they've had their bath by 8, see you later".

Sexnotgender · 15/04/2019 20:49

He’s relying on you feeling bad about saying no.

Don’t let him manipulate you like this, when is your holiday going to start? You’re just doing all the same shit in a different location while he swans off.

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 20:49

OH and never go self catering again

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 20:50

Does he realise it’s always over meal times or daily pinch points? Could you chat to him another time when calm, maybe in bed before sleep and just ask if he could go at a convenient time (during baby’s nap time, 4-5pm etc). If you did know in advance you could plan an activity to fill that time. And he absolutely should help you out with the chores. He’s being a bit of a dick

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/04/2019 20:50

Does your DH work really hard all year, and this is his escape, while you're being mum/housewife

Oh fuck OFF!! Being in an office is a shit of a lot easier than childcare, even if OP wasn't in full time paid work (which she is) then she would still be working full fucking time because having the kids 24/7 and all the housework is really really hard. I hate this fucking bullshit that you don't need a holiday if you're a stay at home parent!

Stiffasaboard · 15/04/2019 20:50

He sounds pretty awful tbh
Is he addicted to exercise? Is this the underlying issue?
Although if that were the case I assume he would go at other times?

Have you pointed out to him that you aren’t stopping him having an hour to cycle but requesting he consider an hour that has less impact on everyone (ie you) else?

If you put it to him like that- that the cycling is fine but being left to do the worst bits of parenting everynight isn’t fine what does he say?

Truth OP you sound unhappy in general with how easily he ducks out of family life.

Ihatehashtags · 15/04/2019 20:50

No you are not OP! He is being a sexist pig. And like others have said, putting you in a lose lose situation. Tell him straight that from now on every second day you both get to go and exercise as that’s fair. He gets to exercise one more of the weekend and if he so much as dates contact you about some pathetic thing he should already know, then you’ll enrol him in a parenting course. He is a acting like a spoilt man child.

lillymunster · 15/04/2019 20:50

He's an absolute arse for doing this pathetic "asking" thing then accusing you of being controlling. My stbxh was a real little viper and he'd switch from being unpleasant to acting all pitiful and say "can I?" In relation to things that are obviously fine but he'd pick really difficult and inconvenient moments when he knew I would say "right now is a bit difficult" or "but I really needed your help with this right now." The irony is that he was the most controlling person I've ever met. He would also give me the silent treatment for saying it would be awkward if he did something right now.

DareDevil223 · 15/04/2019 20:51

This brings back terrible memories of self catering holidays with my ex-h. Wasn't really a holiday at all as I did all the driving and basically did everything I did at home but by the sea.

YANBU he's asking at the times of peak chaos because it gets him out of doing his fair share of parenting and work and it also puts you in the most awkward position of saying no and being a killjoy or saying yes and having no comeback.

He's being a pretty shitty husband and father tbh.