DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

Your update said he would do the food if you said but would be so slow the children would become feral.... so what? (That’s kind of harsher than I mean!) But he needs to learn to parent by his own mistakes too. You do sound slightly controlling and critical - I mean he’s equally as bad. But maybe he’s gotten to this point as he feels you won’t let him do anything and it’s always below your standards? (I mean this kindly)

Take time for yourself and go enjoy something and make him do the chores!

He's being an arse and needs to grow up.

But he would probably have to ask me at least once for help with something really simple and obvious. Also, when meals are left up to him, they’re often about an hour late and the kids are all feral with hunger and/or tiredness by the time we eat.

Then you leave him to it. LEAVE. Go out, turn off the phone, don't answer it and don't come back until midnight. The next day, don't clean up any of the mess.

He's an inconsiderate prick. I'm not surprised he's into cycling.

You need to let go of the guilt you feel asking him not to go.

Yes he needs a baptism of fire.

I call for a STRIKE

YANBU
He is deliberately going at this time so he can get out of doing the boring stuff that is hassle. Unfortunately I think it's quite common with men who like to cycle. They seem to expect time out to go and cycle when it suits them. However many men do this & it could be something else other than cycling - for some reason women don't seem to get away with it.
Why can't he take the kids on the cycle ride? Also I assume he must have popped his bike on the back of the car? Did he also take kids bikes?
The fact that he 'asks permission' is a passive aggressive way of making out you are being unreasonable if you say 'well no it doesn't suit me' It sounds like you're being a pain saying no.

Get up early tomorrow morning before anybody else is awake. Go out - anywhere will do, preferably a cafe or a hotel that does cooked breakfasts. Text him and tell him you've gone for a lovely long walk, and you'll be back mid-morning.

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.*

You are being totally reasonable with this, and should also get equal time off/out.

Your husband is behaving like an arse.

lilly munster
Totally agree with you and sexnotgender
He's the controlling one, he's behaving like a complete arse.

My dh wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. It’s just selfish. Being a parent means reading the situation and seeing when you’re needed- he’s needed, he’s just choosing not to see it. And he expects you to pick it all up because he sees you as default parent. I would be furious.

Actions, not words, if he's twisting yours.

Go out, stay out. Don't fall for the 'I'll do a job so badly you won't ask me again' trick that's coming next re feeding the kids. Or give in to your own guilt - that is a bit controlling, tbh.

No one dies by missing a meal (even tho a toddler will tell you they will) so if DH screws up the catering, that's ok.

Once you've had one day of DH pulling his weight, do it again. Without warning, 72 hrs later. This is the important bit.

Next time he asks, just say that you’ll go for a cycle now while he does the cooking/bath time/washing up/whatever, and he can go when you’re back.

Gosh what a miserable holiday.

Holidays with little kids, is just the same old same in a different location . In fact its just so much hassle packing all the kids stuff, trying to remember everything as well.

I remember saying this to DH when ours were younger and he tried to say I was ungrateful as he'd taken us away.

My response was to say, next time I would gladly stay at home and he could take the kids on holiday. That would be a holiday for me ...just not having to cook for the family was a holiday.

Surprisingly he never took me up on the offer to stay home.

Can you not take it in turns to cook?

Lessons learnt :

Don't self cater, it ain't no vacay

If he acts like a child, treat him like one. TELL him what to do: wash the dishes, fold the laundry, serve the kids food, and, no, you can go cycling once the kids are asleep, ad nauseum.

Fuck me these men are pathetic.

Why can't he take the kids on the cycle ride?

^
Easy. Because it's hard work.

Or turn it around completely and say ' can I go for a bike ride' just as your toddler tips ribena all over the white carpet or whatever

Oh dear. I've had a couple of holidays like that OP. The worst was in a static caravan which was actually in a stunning location ....only the view I mainly saw was the inside of the launderette, Tesco and the sink. This sounds harsh but by shopping and planning all the at-home meals for the whole week .....you have in part created the problem which is pissing you off. I realise budget is an issue for most but now we rotate eating in and out - fish & chips one night, pub Sunday lunch another day (light soup dinner), eat in, take-away, way salad, late breaksfast brunch at a cafe etc etc try and not be blooming cooking and clearing up each and every night. It needn't cost a bomb.
This has got to a be a pre requisite of a self catering holiday unless you are someone that actually gets great pleasure from cooking and clearing up x 3 meals x 7 days, which I don't.

I find I know when this type of request is coming if it happens often enough. I’ve previously just “pipped DH to the post” by asking him to take over seconds before he’s asked and told him I really need to nip out - just leave him for that time with the kids and the cooking and then follow it up later with another urgent need to go out when it’s time for dishes and bed time. Next time you say it’s inconvenient he may appreciate just how much.

Book all your holidays all inclusive from now on. Let someone else cook, clean & do the laundry

Self catering is no holiday.

He is being a twat.

Say "Yes, good idea! Kids! Get ready, Daddy's taking you all on a bike ride"

I'm sorry you're married to a selfish arse.

Sounds tempting to me to leave a note saying 'You're in control now' and check into a hotel 20 miles away with no mobile signal or Wifi. Or children.

You were at the brink of divorce?

It sounds like you should have gone through with it.....

I'm on the fence because in normal life things seem OK (?). But I'd be saying tonight, "DH, I understand you want to ride your bike daily. Great, but I need you here at bathtime and mealtimes. Please go in one of the other 12 waking hours of each day at another time."