DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

Sorry it was a crap holiday and you’re feeling unsupported. I honestly think that the two of you should have some couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lot of resentment and passive aggressive behaviours that need to be addressed. Address it in a positive way so your relationship improves. Best of luck!

The rest of the holiday was much better. To be fair he did step up once I’d gone nuclear on him. I tried really hard not to fall into the habit of being the default person who does everything. So after mealtimes, because I’d done the cooking, I made myself stand up and walk away from the dishes and say to him, ‘right, you’re on clean up duty’. At first he was all ‘what?! Aren’t you going to help me?’ Obviously my answer was ‘no, I cooked, you clear up’. He took it fairly well. He went out a few more times on the bike in the mornings. One morning I told him to give the kids breakfast before he headed out, which he did. The other morning I just sat down the whole time he was out and didn’t do any skivvying. Then when he got back he and I sorted the kids together.

Since we’ve been home I’ve been carrying this on. ‘Totally happy for you to head out darling but could you unload the dishwasher before you go? I’ll just jump in the shower quickly while you’re doing that’.

It’s kind of mentally exhausting trying to match him selfish act for selfish act all the time. But I’m determined to do it!

Good for you.

Now, what's your plan for getting to an exercise class again?

Having a shower is not a selfish act, it is necessary self care. Exercising is self care too (going at a stupid time is selfish obviously).

Not being a martyr is essential self care too I would say...

Role modelling how we share tasks in the family is pretty important for your children too, no?

Well done OP. I think it's very hard to be actively selfish when that's not your natural personality, but if you want to remain in this marriage then you really do have to keep this up. Personally I'm not sure if I'd stay - it's an exhausting way to live. Unfortunately it seems this is the only way you'll ever get any respect from him.

Just to add in response to a poster way up thread who asked if he was the full time worker and the OP a sahp, as if that somehow justifies his behaviour. Even sahp are entitled to some time out and help, especially on holiday! I would generally agree that a sahp should do more childcare and house work than a wohp with a very full on job but even so, working out of the home doesn't exempt people from actually sharing in the parenting of their children and sahm are not staff - we are entitled to help from our husbands when they are not at work. There is no valid reason for opting out of the busiest time of day every day to go for a bloody bike ride!

Well done! Sometimes you have to be very literal and demonstrate equally “selfish” behaviour 👏 glad he’s finally pulling some weight!

OK, please believe you are not matching him for selfish act with a selfish act!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How did it get to this, where you believe having a shower or expecting some help with the DC you brought into this world together are selfish acts on your behalf.

You need to think really hard about how you want your partnership with your DH to look going forward and how you raise your children together. Otherwise you will always be on the back foot, thinking that your DH is doing you a favour every time he helps, or that you are being "selfish" every time you have a bloody shower!!!!

Yes, and 'Stage 2' (if you like) as per what Margo says, is exactly this. You shouldn't have to do this but it's good that you are doing it and it shows you're not a pushover (and interesting, isn't it, how he's demurred like a little lamb when you set out YOUR requirements very clearly to him!!).

However, going forward, I imagine you'd never want to be having to do this long-term and ongoing - you don't need him as an additional child to be instructed what to do at every turn - that would get old real fast. You'll need to start challenging as to encouragement of thinking from him as advance planning and thought about how everyone's needs can be accommodated not him waiting to be told at every step 'don't do this' but 'do do that'. You'll need to start introducing that proactive, thinking ahead, inclusive approach from him that he needs to pick up - he's a grown man after all and he needs to step up and be a proper part of the family and a proper father because one wonders how much he proactively, of his own accord, organises himself (ie ever, currently) - to do fun/stimulating things with the kids (not just to give you a break, but for their growth/development/experience as well as his relationship with them).

I think you've made really excellent progress with this all OP, in a very short space of time - go you!

Awesome OP, well done. Now stick with it! It will get better. If you let it slide then you will be back to square one faster than you can say MAMIL.

What you're doing isn't selfish, OP: showers, not doing all the work so he can play isn't selfish. It's self care and standing up for yourself. YOu're not the maid!

Keep it up. Hopefully his head will stay out of his arse.

Well done op, really good to see your update.

You're really not matching him selfish act for act - you're getting him to do his share.

I had to do exactly what you're doing OP, and felt like a right selfish cunt for doing it. I started disliking DH for forcing me to turn myself into a person I disliked. But then I got used to the feeling of living in a house where we both do our share, and now I couldn't go back so it does pay off in the end!!

I don´t think it is selfish act for selfish act. It is more reinstating the balance in your relationship. Which in the long term is 100% necessary.

Selfish act for selfish act is a perversely negative way of thinking about this.

DH and I call it taking turns.

I think of it as fairness.

OP it would only be selfish if it served only you. It doesn't.

It serves you, him, and your family, to all take turns doing activities that support, sustain and nurture the family.Your DH was putting his needs first over that, thus he was being selfish.

You aren't.

Sometimes you have to force people to respect you until they get the message.

Tell him of course he can and which 2 children would he like to take with him

OP just a word of advice, he may start asking ‘questions’. You know the sort of ‘where does the sieve live’ or ‘where are the baking trays’ sort of questions. This is a tactic to pull you back into doing everything. So when he doesn’t just say ‘I don’t know’ and he really can’t say you do you know because he bloody well knows too. It might be a bit more clever than that and be questions in relation to school things or holidays or the car tax and so on and so forth but you just say ‘ i don’t know’ and let him figure it out.

(Yes this post is inspired by the stupid questions thread)