DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

@MrsBethel, No worries

I think the bigger issue here is he doesn't value the work you do, and as such doesn't see why he should be there equally parenting. If he asks again, I'd turn it round on him and say 'well it's almost dinner time, and your family are hungry, what do you think?' make him answer his own ridiculous question. I can't imagine my DP asking me if he can go out to play, I'm not his mother or his keeper!

Tell him he's sorting the food for the next day, and just sit down and let him. Don't help, get in the bath or something. And for goodness sake, go to a weekly evening yoga class or something - and take a long slow route home. You deserve better, and he should be role modelling to your kids a better example of what men do in the house.

Before you conclude that you are controlling, stop and check whether you are married to a selfish arsehole.

He's not 'asking' you to go for a cycle ride - he's giving you the illusion of choice and bullying you into letting him go. What's more, not only is he opting out of that particular hour, he's not pulling his weight in terms of cooking and laundry either.

He's a selfish arsehole who only cares about his own relaxation, and doesn't give a shit that it comes at the expense of his wife. Why are you married to him?

Exactly, he is being manipulative, then he turns it around and accuses OP of being controlling.

DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender'' and refers to a reaction perpetrators may display in response to being challenged and held accountable for their behavior.

This is exactly why I refuse to go on self catering holidays.A holiday to me is sun,sea,sand,sangria and everything else beginning with S! I refuse to do any amount of housework/cooking so we go all inclusive.If we cant afford it that year we dont go away.

This is why I am divorced!

You are not on holiday with a loving and supportive husband, you are providing catering and childcare services for an entitled man.

You can't change him, only your behaviour and actions, so you can have a go at some of the clever tips you've been given on this thread but if you can't get him to change his mind, then you need to have a think about what the rest of your life is going to look like if you stay with him.

It’s not about self catering or all inclusive, it’s about how this father interacts with the family he has produced and how he behaves with his wife

Just wondering if it's worth being flexible about mealtimes? Like... Wait til he's back and he can help cook. If the kids are grumpy, maybe that'll teach him to cook earlier, or it might just be fine!

If he's usually more hands on maybe he just wants to play it by ear a bit on holiday.

If you try being flexible about meal/chores/bed times and he still doesn't help out, then yeah he's probably just avoiding chores and being annoying about it.

I know your wages have stalled but is his money not partly yours?

That’s the whole point about becoming one unit. You share money, tasks, good times and bad times, and you both contribute to making your family work.

He’s behaving like a child.

Oh, if he bogs off to shower, don't be cleaning up, the world will not end...

Either way, that asking permission thing sounds really really annoying

LTB.

I couldn't marry let alone be in any kind of relationship with a man like this... my tolerance for shit is very low!

This reminds me of the relationships between both my BILS and their g

This is why I refuse to do self catering - or rather, we can go self catering but we eat out for lunch and dinner. Am I fuck doing laundry and cooking on my 'holiday'

How much is his bike and bike equipment? I bet your £15 on hot chocolates and giving the children a novel experience pales in comparison to what his hobby costs the family.

Well of course he thinks eating out is wasteful, one of the main reasons you eat out is because someone else has sources the ingredients, cooks the food, clears up and washes up, but he gets that at home! Op I used to think that I couldn't justify the cost of a trip for myself, but I was a mug. Now I put a little money aside and go where I fancy once I have enough. You only have one life, live it to the full.

I’d rather not go holiday than have to put up with the mundane drudgery that goes on at home just in a different location.
So it’s free accommodation and he doesn’t want to eat out. Tight git. I know you said you are saving for a deposit but come on, live a little on your holidays

It is controlling of him to manipulate you into having to do all the shitwork.

Oh dear has he got a £3k carbon fibre bike and all the accompanying gear....

This reminds me of a Holiday Swap programme I saw some years ago. Every year the family went on a self-catering holiday to the same spot and the wife meal-planned and had the same Tesco/Ocado delivery as at home sent to the cottage. Dcs' bedtimes/routine was at home. The dh kind of opted out and went fishing.

Anyway they swapped with a Majorca-type place family who had no routine and ate whenever. The dh and kids loved it. The dw had a major cat's bum face.

The point is this set up is not working. It's boring. It's the same old for OP and dull for the dh and probably the dcs if they're eating the same food as at home. Live a little! Tell dh to get some fish and chips. Or cook something. Anything! Let the kids go a bit feral with bedtimes. Play a game. Go out for a moonlight walk. FGS anything which isn't exactly the same as at home.

I tell my OH he can do whatever he likes once the kids are in bed

Yes apart from the wanky cycling thing this sounds like how my hols can go.

If dh is allocated a task like feeding kids its usually done really late which means bedtime runs late and you don't get an eve to yourself. So you just do it yourself but start seething with resentment.

We haven't done a self catering holiday since he left all the cooking and meal planning up to me but refused to go and pick up a takeaway (he was the only one on the hire car insurance) or go out for food anywhere, meaning I never got a break.

He prefers self catering but I won't do it anymore and remind him that it's his fault.

The only way we cope with hols is that we both carve out time, we both get a couple of hours by the pool (or whatever) each day where the other person has 100 percent responsibility for kids. And take it in turns with lie ins.

If he can't cope with a couple of hours without asking you a question, I would make the clock reset to zero for your time alone to start every time he asks you something he could solve himself.

You need to also agree in advance a division of Labour, if you're in charge of meal planning, food shopping and cooking (which is the main chore in an self catering holiday) then he's in charge of everything else - doing breakfast for kids, doing laundry, planning days out etc. Needs to be agreed in advance next time.

I will hold my hands up and admit that I am quite rigid about routine.

This is partly a hangover from the toddler being a baby, but also because the toddler is quite a handful. By the end of the day I’m counting down the minutes until bedtime. And when the toddler is cranky at the end of the day, the toddler only wants me.

The toddler also wakes at 5.30am like clockwork. So I try and stick to a dinner-bath-bed routine so I know that I can have the toddler in bed by 7.30 and then I at least get a couple of hours to chill with a glass of wine until I have to go to bed because I know I’m going to be up at 5.30. DH and I have a tacit agreement that every other morning we take the toddler downstairs so the other can get a bit more sleep. But then the middle child is never far behind waking anyway and after that all bets are off basically. Might as well just get up.

So, yeah, I have a rigid routine because beyond 7.30 the kids aren’t nice to be around, they’re tired and whiny. And it always falls on me to sort them out because they (the youngest two) only want me anyway. And as a result I am a bit obsessed with sleep and, unsurprisingly, childfree evenings.

But maybe I could chill out a bit more. I admit that.

Frankly an absorbing hobby when kids that young and demanding just isn’t fair. Dh only ramped up cycling when dd2 in school. Both dds older now and we watch tv or read while he cycles so hardly in any way tough on me. No way would he have gone off at all whilst kids so young and labour intensive - not on. He can be Bradley Wiggins when the youngest is 6 until then roll up your sleeves mate. Dh bike is our third child we stopped at 2 to get our lives back you have a few more years yet

This is why you're being advised to go out, rather than staying in. If you're in, then the kids will default to going to you, if you're not there, they can't.

You can find a nice bar or cafe, and sit with a glass of wine, reading or people watching, in peace. It will be just as relaxing (actually, it'll be more relaxing) as at home, because you won't be bothered by the kids. Turn your phone off, so he can't bother you.

Unlike what some people are asserting, this isn't just a rut, as he's being manipulative and controlling.

So, you started this thread last night, @LazyTabloidJournalistCunts and had lots of advice, so what happened today? Did you take any of that advice and act on it?

Well I told him the home truths I’d gathered from this thread and we had a massive row. More DARVO but I just don’t even care right now. I know what I’m saying is right. I know it is. So he can be as upset as he likes but I know he knows what I’m saying is true too. There’s an entente cordiale between us at the moment. I’ve said everything I wanted to say anyway. Just going to try and enjoy what’s left of the holiday and will use the good suggestions here about forward planning the timetable for the next day.