DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

@Motoko To make him change I meany

this kind of thing makes me so angry. DH decided to do a marathon once. But when it became obvious that his marathon required almost as much effort from me (he couldn't get up in the night for the baby because he needed to be fresh, he couldn't o early mornings with the baby because he needed to be fresh, he would get up at 8 then take his time to leave so he only went on training run by about t10 and then would be gone for four hours....) we had a chat. DH, being a good guy, was mortified when he realised how selfish he'd been and everything changed.

Your DH knows perfectly well he's being selfish but doesn't seem to care. I agree with a PP who said the day before you should agree together what will be happening, including when both of you will be getting time to do your own thing. Also, if he's in charge of supper and he leaves the kids to be hungry, don't let that be your problem. If you get back and he's still faffing around, turn around and leave again .

@AryaStarkWolf Ha, he's not going to change!

Order food, he can be tight when it impacts him. He doesn't get to be super tight and give you more work. If he doesn't want takeaway then he will just have to cook and mind the children while you go for a walk.

Why not have a conversation and remain the adult, opposed to the parent or child

Say I’d like to sort out when you’ll be cycling today so that it’s a great time for everyone, just before meals aren’t good for me but cuz time is- how does that fit in with you?

If he then takes “child” role, don’t revert to “ parent” role but just stay in adult role

www.emotionalintelligenceatwork.com/resources/parent-adult-child-model-basics/

Sorry but he could time his bike rides differently. Why do they have to be right in the middle of meal time? Because it means he can duck parental responsibility/tantrums/the shit that goes with it, leave it all to you and come back when it's all calm again.

Then he has the nerve to turn around and tell you you're being controlling? Gaslighting twat.

@Motoko Yeah, I know, that's why I said I have no advice in that respect. If someone doesn't already (and this sounds kind of bad but it's true) think of you as an equal person, is it even worth trying to convince them that you are? It seems like he thinks he's more important than she is and his time is more important. That's an attitude that would be hard to reconcile

By the time it gets to him asking you if he can go for a cycle, it's too late. I think you need to:
a) take the initiative
and
b) separate the two things.

Clearly he should be doing more of the jobs. Tell him this directly. Maybe agree each morning who will do what and when.

As long as he's pulling his weight and everything gets done when it needs doing, the cycling will sort itself out.

What you don't want to do is use his fun activity as a stick to beat him with to get him to do more jobs. That just won't work.

I just wish he’d do it once the kids were in bed or during the afternoon, or basically any time that’s not peak chaos.

So when he 'asks' you if he can go, this is what you need to tell him. Yes it's fine darling, after/before peak chaos. And I'll take an hour to myself each day at a mutually convenient time too.'

AryaStarkWolf

Lots of perfectly nice people get into slightly unhealthy routines, with one person taking responsibility for the jobs. If you're not careful, by the time one person realises a job needs doing, the other has been seething privately for hours that it hasn't been done.

There are lots of passive aggressive solutions suggested on this thread to score points in some sort of tit--for-tat nonsense.

But much better to just talk it over like grown ups and agree who does what. People don't change, but bad habits can. This sounds like bad habits to me.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture. Your relationship isn’t one I’d want to be in, he’s treating you (at home too) like the default parent at best, domestic help at worst. He doesn’t sound like he cares about YOU as a person at all. He’s calling you at the gym because he can’t cope for an hour or so, he can’t get the kids fed at a reasonable time... I just could fancy/want to be with such a useless, selfish, twat.

Oh for Gods sake people read the OP and her updates - she works full time too - and even if she didn't, this is their HOLIDAY

Why do women always support lazy men on these threads with the "oh but your husband works hard all year "

@MrsBethel, are you saying I was being passive aggressive? That wasn't my intention.

I have a friend with a DH like this. She used to run with me, but doesn't any more. On our long runs I could guarantee that he would call or text at least once. And she couldn't move runs if something came up because she was allowed the bare minimum time away from the family. My DH just says, "when are the runs this week?" and wipes his own arse while I'm running. I do the same for him. She wants to divorce him but can't afford to. And she does no self-care now because he's effectively stopped her. He still looks after himself though.

It's fishing with him. Cycling, golf, rugby, football, marathons, cricket... No wonder so many women are eased out of sports early. Men need the sports to avoid their responsibilities.

Also, having read all of your updates OP, it seems you have way bigger problems than the bike rides. So for all of the people suggesting how you can accommodate his bike rides, I would say, please read the full thread.

And OP, please reconsider the divorce. Life with a mean man does not change, they never stop being mean, even if you save the deposit, he will still be mean about money. And really, I think no one should do self catering unless they can afford to eat out for dinner, otherwise it is not a holiday, it's just like being at home with different scenery.

but DH is the one who is reluctant to spend money on eating out. He sees it as wasteful.

I bet he has an expensive bike and all the equipment to go with it and doesn't see that as wasteful. Funny how he sees something that would make your life easier and the holiday an actual holiday for you as wasteful, shows exactly what his priorities are and what he thinks of you, OP.

and this from Naturatint:

Well, that's never going to happen because he's an inherently selfish arse, you see any nibble of contribution from him as 'help' and 'giving me a hand

You are supposed to be equals in this relationship and as parents, it's not help or giving you a hand it is taking responsibility and sharing the load willingly. You are his wife and the mother of your children, he is your husband and the father of your children it is high time he learnt that and stopped behaving like a self-centred dick who expects everything to revolve around him and everyone to dance to his selfish tune.

How on earth is that a holiday?!
Meal planning is for home.

I am genuinely baffled as to how these relationships start in the first place. In our home we are equals, we do equal amounts of the jobs. At different times one of us will carry the load off the other, but we are an equal partnership (both working).

Holidays are for relaxing, we often self cater but that means pubs, takeaways and nice things. No laundry and no meal planning.

Your DH sounds unreasonable but you also sound a bit tightly wound - but that might come from being expected to do everything!

Lots of pps are suggesting going out. I find that when I want 'me' time, I just want to lie on the bed reading. This should also be a reasonable time out activity.
OP if you don't sort this out with a reasonable discussion, next time he asks just say, "oh I was going to have my time out now, it's my turn" whatever you decide to do, it is definitely his turn to sort out the 'peak chaos"

He actually asks you if he can go for a cycle? This has to be a joke

Why, surely some cons seraglio is needed? What if OP was about to go out herself for a while? He just decides he is going out without her intentions getting taken into consideration?

I really don't understand your statement.

OP YANBU he's being out of order and strategically going out at "busy" times.

Mad auto correct.....some consideration

Of course with kids people need to consult. The faux outrage at having to ask is ridiculous. What do people do about scheduling otherwise? I think I know... the man never consults because the default parent always does.

Look at the OPs thread title. Her husband thinks she’s controlling. Has anyone here found any hint that the OP is controlling? He is gas lighting her. It’s very disturbing. It’s easy to say, you just need to do x or y, but he sounds controlling and manipulative. He’ll twist everything she says or does.

MrsBethel I was just going to write the same.
It's easy to get into a set way of thinking and just behave within that. OP feels resentful that her DH is going off cycling when he should be helping her, her DH (probably) feels that she is being controlling and doesn't want him to indulge in his hobby.

We have something like this too, as my DH goes cycling and we always do self-catering holidays. I don't want to go off for a couple of hours every day to do anything, so there is no real possibility of balance. We have solved this, however, by planning what we want to do and when, and making things like eating etc as flexible and easy for everyone as possible. We plan things to do as a family, and then everything else fits in around that.

Breakfast really shouldn't be chaos, I'm not sure if we're missing some information but if you don't have to be at school/work etc then it can be a fairly relaxed time, surely?

Dinner time I understand more. Can you discuss with him how the evening meal/routine should be? Can either of you prep something for the kids, then he goes off for his cycle, you put kids to bed, he comes back and the two of you have a late meal together alone?

What things are you doing together the rest of the time? Who chooses what to do and when? Most importantly: does he actually want to spend time with you and your dc? Because that is the crux of the matter I think. If he's on holiday in order to be able to have time alone cycling, then you definitely have bigger problems.

Yeah I don’t want to be up at the crack of dawn in the pool in order to get some ‘me’ time. I’d quite like to sit down at 6pm with a glass of red and dick about on MN undisturbed by children, while DH makes dinner. I don’t want to have to go out for a three mile walk.

We used to be a lot more equal. It’s such a classic story. We used to earn the same and be very much 50:50 on everything. Then after my first mat leave I slowly became the ‘default’ parent. Doing all the housework and childcare and things never went back to 50:50 after I went back to work. Then my second maternity leave really cemented things. By then his salary had doubled and mine had stayed the same. He got a new job meaning he’s out of the house from 7.30-7.30, which is just useless in terms of being any kind of help with drop offs, pick ups, morning routines or bedtimes. So it necessarily falls to me. In an ideal world I’d earn the same as him and I’d have a nanny to do all the shit work. Then I could breeze in at 7.30pm and read my fed and freshly bathed children a bedtime story and congratulate myself on being a thrusting breadwinner and the world’s best parent.

The thing is I do have complete freedom to go wherever and whenever I want in theory. He would have no issue with me going away for a weekend. But I couldn’t really afford for me to just jet off to Rome for a long weekend on a whim, or drop £200 on a spa day. I personally couldn’t justify it. I don’t really have anywhere else I’d rather be. I’d prefer to spend quality time together as a family.

When I have left him with the kids for a weekend in the past, he declares it’s ‘really easy’ and he’s ‘not bothered’ and doesn’t understand why I complain about it. But I think it’s because it’s a novelty to him, so it doesn’t feel like a drag because he doesn’t do it very often. I don’t find it hard, I just find it tedious. Also, typically, the kids all behave beautifully for him and save all their tantrums and in-fighting for when it’s just me

AryaStarkWolf

Sorry, didn't mean you, meant some other stuff I've read on here (eg 'pack your bags and go home'). Should have made that clear.