DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

[LazyTabloidJournalistCunts]

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

Haven't read all the replies but I don't think you're in the wrong but you seem like a bit of a pushover . If it's an inconvenient time then say so!!

Why don't you try alternating days to cook etc. That way you each get time to yourself?

If one gets kids ready in am the other does pm etc?

Why, on threads like these, do you get a number of women queuing up to make excuses for these men? Comments like, ‘oh men don’t see what needs to be done’ or ‘they need explicit instructions’. Ffs, these are grown men we’re talking about. Grown men who presumably manage to hold down their terribly important jobs without being given minute by minute instructions.

The fact is, they’re selfish, self-obsessed shits who regard their DW/DP as less important and not worthy of consideration. I can only assume that those defending them have been brainwashed into playing the servile little wifey by similarly arrogant men.

Jeez self catering are nice idea but surely it's your holiday too? Sorry am sure you are a v nice person but you sound like a martyr. And also it's a holiday to do things and relax as a family. And by God woman you shouldnt be doing the goddam laundry!!

He would do it. But he would probably have to ask me at least once for help with something really simple and obvious. Also, when meals are left up to him, they’re often about an hour late and the kids are all feral with hunger and/or tiredness by the time we eat.

This does sound a bit controlling. Let him do it, and if the kids get a bit crazy, it’s on him (and point that out while hovering in the kitchen to top up your wine glass). I really would never do washing on holiday either—bung it in a bag until you get home. That said HIBU by buggering off at the worst possible moments. Let him do it, even if he’s not very good at it—at least you’re not doing it. Hope the holiday gets better.

I assume you are on a budget, as there is no way I would go on a self-catering holiday and cook every night otherwise!

I assume you are on a budget, as there is no way I would go on a self-catering holiday and cook every night otherwise!

Yeah. A DH imposed budget if you look upthread. To me, self-catering means eating out and takeaways. If eating in it’s ready prepped stuff from Waitrose or Eat. Not cooking from scratch like you’re at home.

Surely now the nights are lighter he could help cook and deal with the children and THEN go for a bike ride???

The thing is I do have complete freedom to go wherever and whenever I want in theory. He would have no issue with me going away for a weekend.

Except he did seem to have an issue with you going to your exercise class once a week.

He won't ever say he has a problem with it. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that if you went away for a weekend he'd ring you to say one of the kids was ill and asking for you, or that he didn't know where some crucial item was. There would be a way to interrupt it and make you feel you ought to hurry back.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it

If this is true then I can't see your problem, you're being a martyr then complaining it seems.
So many women find it easier to come here and moan rather than sitting down and discussing things, men don't respond to subtlty.

@LadyRannaldini
Wins the award for being a

Sounds like you have an extra child with you instead of an adult partner.

Ladyrannaldini She told him straight out per her latest post and they had a huge row-it isn't simply saying yes or no it's a hell of a lot more going on or do you not understand her posts?

LadyRannaldini

There's a reason they come here to moan, instead of discussing it with their partners. It's because they've tried many times before, and it's made no difference, and/or, it leads to a row, with their partners accusing them of being controlling, and gaslighting them, so the women end up feeling it's their fault.

When this couple get divorced in 5 years he'll be going around giving it the woe is me story. Don't even know what I did wrong, I was faithful, kept myself fit for her, took her on holiday. And everyone will fall for it and think she's a heartless cow,even though he treated her like a servant while he swanned around doing his stupid hobby. Which he probably spends more on than he did their holiday.

My dh loves cycling. So he gets up 2 hours earlier than we do to do it. That way he doesn't feel guilty and gets to continue his hobby. If he wants it badly enough he could do this.

How about jyst saying it like it is "No. If you help me more you can go but you've done nothing this holiday to help with the kids or housework and then try and tell me I'm 'controlling'when I say no and make me out to be some sort of neurotic madwoman when I say no when I'm doing all the skivvying and you get off scott free. It's my holiday too and you are being selfish. So no you can't go. "

Just*

He's the one being controlling hun sorry to say xx

I don't think you're controlling but I think it was probably foolish to go on holiday unless you outsourced all cooking/cleaning. The only meal I would self cater for would be breakfast otherwise eat out!

And although you can't justify weekends to Rome alone maybe you could go on a weekend break somewhere close by to get a break?

Either make him do everything from now on for the rest of the holiday or pack up the car and go home and vow never to do self catering again until he starts being a parent and not a teenage boy.

I'd play him at his own game op, when it comes to your busy time with the kids rush out for a peaceful walk telling your DH that since he's been getting me time you are doing the same

Chain his bike to some railings 3 miles away.

I’d prefer to spend quality time together as a family.

Make this happen then. You only get this once. Time is passing. Don't waste it playing the martyr!