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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I’m being ‘controlling’. Am I?

369 replies

LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 15/04/2019 20:14

We’re on holiday. In a self-catering cottage. We have two school age children and a very active toddler.

I have meal planned and shopped for all the food for the week. And so far, I have cooked and cleared up all the meals since we’ve been here.

DH keeps going off on hour-long bike rides. Either at peak breakfast time or peak dinner time. Surfacing after I’ve fed all the kids and got them dressed or fed them and got them bathed and in PJs.

It makes me so, so cross. He ‘asks’ me if he can go for a ride, which puts me in an impossible position because I either say ‘yes darling, of course’ and the saddle myself with all the kid chores, or I say, well actually I could really do with a hand —not having to do everything myself— and I’m the bad guy because I’m ‘controlling’ and ‘never let him do anything’.

The thing is, I don’t know if IABU, because the fact is, with young kids there never really is a good time to bugger off out for an hour. But everyone should be able to have their own leisure time. But I think what I’m really pissed off about is not that he goes cycling per se, but that on this holiday he literally does nothing to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry. It’s like I’ve come as the hired help so that everyone else can have a nice, catered holiday.

If I wanted to go out for an hour’s bike ride I know he would have no problem at all with it. But I’m so tired from all the shitwork, it’s actually the last thing I feel like doing. I’d rather just use this rare downtime together to hang out as a family.

Earlier this evening I’d put the dinner on and was folding everyone’s laundry and he came in and ‘asked’ if he could go for a cycle. I said no, because he’ll be back just as it’s ready and will either miss eating with us to shower, or have to sit at the table all stinky and sweaty and then shower after, leaving me to clean up on my own. He didn’t like that answer. Now we’re both pissed off and there’s an atmosphere.

This is an argument we’ve had so often I honestly have no perspective on whether I’m being an uptight controlling bitch or he’s opting out of the hard bits.

OP posts:
Meandwinealone · 16/04/2019 20:37

I’m glad you talked to him.
Clearly he wants you to just drop it.

It’s like the thread with the sulking husband, is so passive aggressive and insidious.

Don’t let this be the end of it. As I said before I think you really need a third party to help him see what’s going on from your point of view, because he clearly isn’t going to listen to you alone, and probably thinks this is just a petty little row.

Motoko · 16/04/2019 20:37

So, did he go out, and did you still do all the shit work and have no time to yourself?

Pumpkintopf · 16/04/2019 20:46

Good for you op. Has it made any difference to the cycling/sharing the chores?

Original poster
LazyTabloidJournalistCunts · 16/04/2019 20:50

So, did he go out, and did you still do all the shit work and have no time to yourself

No, no mention of cycling today. I made the executive decision to have fish and chips for lunch today.

OP posts:
Motoko · 16/04/2019 21:11

Good, good!

LizzieSiddal · 16/04/2019 21:40

Good for you.

And re you being “strict” about routine. Don’t apologise for that! It’s the only way I survived when the dc were young and Dh worked very long hours. We always had tea/playtime/bath/bed/story between 5 and 7, then I could relax for a few hours and I kept sane.

youknowmedontyou · 16/04/2019 22:41

He shares the chores 50/50 and he isn’t allowed to go out for bike ride at 6.30 am on the weekends because you want a lie in? He doesn’t seem so bad

Really @Whitechocandraspberry he sounds like a knob to me, not sure why you're so keen on defending him?

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/04/2019 23:07

I have nearly invariably found that those who accuse others of being 'controlling' are right manipulative shits. The accusation is actually a statement about them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2019 23:11

It's a Navajo saying @StrangeLookingParasite "when you point one finger, there are three pointing back at you"

Starfish28 · 17/04/2019 05:51

I’ve just read the thread with all your updates and wanted to say a couple of things.

  1. How can things be equal when you are at home if he is out of the house for 12 hours a day? When you are trying to balance the needs of a toddler with the needs of school age children that is by fair the toughest part. Even if he swans in, reads to the children and helps with the house it is by far the easiest part.
  2. I’m so sorry that when you bring up what you need it turns into a row. He sounds exhausting. Your kids won’t be this age (nor this physically demanding) forever. But you will have to constantly negotiate with someone who puts his needs first.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself? I have no answers just didn’t want to read and run. I hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the holiday and find a way to actually have a partner who considers your needs as well has their own.

Elllicam · 17/04/2019 06:12

Good for you OP.

Gre8scott · 17/04/2019 06:25

Why are you doing laundry on holiday and why doesnt he want to sit with him children for meals on holiday? Just say its meal time we are all eating go once the kids are in hed and that means i get a wee hour to myself as well

SarahMused · 17/04/2019 08:19

Firstly, well done for standing up for yourself and your kids. My four are pretty much grown up now but when they were younger sounded very similar to yours. My husband also worked long hours, was often away and instead of cycling has always gone running. He was also less competent with and childcare stuff as he didn‘t do so much of it and like you, I had rules and routines I wanted to keep to mainly for the sake of my own sanity. On holiday, I didn‘t want childfree time I wanted to do stuff as a family and have help with the general drudge that I was used to doing mainly on my own whilst trying to work part time as a teacher. The main difference is that my husband was never mean with money and would accommodate requests not to disappear when it was inconvenient. You aren‘t asking for much - a more considerate schedule, lunch for the kids in a cafe, a takeaway in the evening - these are normal things on holiday. I think you will need to keep spelling out to him how you feel and what you want. It just doesn‘t cross his mind to see things from your perspective.

kalopali · 17/04/2019 09:02

Sounds like you have four kids, why not make your life easier and ditch the most useless one?

BeansandRice · 17/04/2019 19:25

OP I've been thinking about this thread on & off since I first read it. You sound properly exhausted & just weary. I want to give you a big unMumsnetty hug.

And tell your not-so-D husband what a total selfish wanker he is - and how his selfish behaviour & lack of team work is jeopardising his marriage.

I guess I respond so strongly because I was almost there in a very serious relationship in my late 20s (thank goodness, didn't marry the man, nor have his children) - but I was already heading for the kind of do-it-all bond to a deeply self-centred man - the break up almost broke me, but thank god I got free of him.

But my lovely DSis actually did divorce her high-earning DH over these kinds of issues.

She works full-time in a highly specialised, but not well-paid job with unsociable hours. Her ex-H also worked in a tough job, although with regular hours & 3 times the salary. They re-located several times for his job, so my DSis did a lot of driving to commute to her job. He expected my DSis to "look after him" as if she were a SAHM. And got very angry (borderline emotionally abusive) when she just went about her work - it caused a lot of stress & tension for her over the years - each time, he sort of got it & amended his behaviour - until the next time ...

And finally, my DSis cracked. Her exH took a promotion that had him working away 4 days out of 5, but he would come home & treat their home like a hotel.

She left him. He still doesn't realise why. And she is sooooo much calmer. She's poorer, but thinks it's a reasonable swap, not having to live with a bad-tempered borderline emotionally abusive person who only ever considered himself.

It makes me tired just reading your updates.

Pumpkintopf · 17/04/2019 21:01

How are you today op? Hope all is ok.

Lellikelly26 · 20/04/2019 17:23

I get up early and go for a run before my kids get up. I suggest he does the same for his cycling

DameFanny · 20/04/2019 17:46

I'm sorry OP but you might as well leave. He's a middle aged man in lycra who's prioritising his exercise over his family. I've seen it time and again - he's going to leave sometime around a significant birthday, when you're least expecting, and he's going to decide that it's your fault so he doesn't have to behave decently to you. At least if you're planning your exit now you'll be less in the shit Flowers

RB68 · 20/04/2019 18:09

ahh Ok there is psychology at play. practice ways of saying yes but without letting him get away with his timing game. ie oh yes of course - can you just do xyz though and also get child a into pjs for me (!!!) and by all means once they are in bed or by all means so long as you are back by x time as we are off out and there is only one set of keys so you will have to wait for us to be back - he is looking for you to give him permission to be an asshat so you cant complain later!!!

nuxe1984 · 20/04/2019 18:14

Sorry - he sees this as "his" holiday and wants to do the things he wants when he wants.
Or possibly (but not likely) he's thinking that if he gets his ride out of the way whilst the "chores" are being done then it means he can spend family time with all of you.
Either way it's not very fair. This should be as much your holiday as his. Maybe you could have a chat with him, point out that you're not enjoying the holiday as you seem to have ended up doing all the catering and childcare stuff at the beginning and end of the day. And that it would be nice if you could share those tasks.
If he's still being childish and mean then next time he "asks" if he can go for a ride say "Oh, I was just about to have a break and a quiet walk whilst you took over the breakfast/bathtime today - I won't be too long" … and leave him to it!

chocatoo · 20/04/2019 18:28

I would say something along the lines of 'don’t ask me, darling, it’s up to you whether you go - you don’t need to ask permission!...We both know the things that need to be done in the next couple of hours (then I might list them), it's up to you to decide when is best for you to go...'

If he persists in going at an inconvenient time, just wait until he gets back before you do any chores - 'oh, I thought we were all chilling for a bit...no, I didn’t cook dinner yet/bath the kids,etc, we can do that now, together'.

Stop doing everything as you are enabling his behaviour. Let him come back to cranky kids and say that you hope he had a lovely cycle and that you are now going up for a nice relaxing bath whilst he mans the fort with the kids.

perfectstorm · 20/04/2019 18:32

It's not controlling to be unwilling to do everything for three small kids and a household while he does jack shit, no.

He's a tosser. A manipulative and selfish one.

SnapesGreasyHair · 20/04/2019 18:33

Reading this thread is like reliving my marriage.

EX also always "asked" to go out, but it was actually his telling me he was going. He also said if l ever needed him not to go then l just had to say.

I asked him once not to go out. I was tired and not feeling great. The hassle l got for it meant l never bothered asking again.

Wonder how he'd cope as a single dad with the kids EOW....has he thought about that?

Huncamuncaa · 20/04/2019 18:47

He doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he's asking you. The difference is you wouldn't dream of doing it to him. You presumably do the lions share and so you know how hard it is. Of course you wouldn't abandon him to do it all!

Only one way to deal with this kind of man. Match his behaviour. Be out for exactly the same amount of time he is but be totally cool about him doing it. You could always pretend to be doing something productive and sit in a cafe of you're too exhausted. Give yourself an hour away from the kids. Don't get anything organised. Leave it all to him. Ask him breezily if he could get the stain out of your top, unload the dish washer etc as you leave. Get a spa treatment, go for a walk do whatever you need to do to relax and do not feel guilty! When he's experienced full on holiday parenting his behaviour will hopefully change!

DointItForTheKids · 20/04/2019 18:58

He simply needs to do it more often and it needs to have more impact on his life than it does now OP - if he only does it at odd times, he doesn't see the impact of relentless responsibility for these caring activities. I bet he just does the basic looking after - does he plan ahead around meals for the next day/defrosting, does he do laundry as well, does he do other 'additional' stuff that I bet you have on your mind all the time??

It's control, isn't it, but not by 'you will do this, you won't do that', it's control by 'I'm going to make my needs overtake ALL of yours and effectively, I've stopped you from going out/doing stuff/having a life outside of the home in just the same way as some controlling knob-end but without the gaslighting and drama' - but it's just as effective....

All these activities you say you can't financially justify - how much £ does he spend on his stuff?!? Does he think twice about it - have you ever totted it up? I bet he has no qualms about any of that - at all. If you can't afford to do what you want, then it has to come out of his 'bike fund' or 'biking club' or 'biking events' funds, fair split, right?