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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids want their Dad to leave home!

291 replies

Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 09:26

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 15/04/2019 10:22

You say he's not making any effort in his relationships but he is, isn't he - he has an active social life and I presume he's conversing with people during all these long hours he works.... so he's simply checked out of his relationship with you and your children.

I agree with this. He's not 'lovely' Hmm. He behaves well when he wants to and he doesn't when he chooses not to.

I’m basically a single working parent. Honestly, it sounds as though you'd be happier if you formalised that.

Tell him he starts to be a parent and a partner or you will simply carry on your family life without him.

HoraceCope · 15/04/2019 10:24

Is he very stressed at work op?

Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 10:25

Knowing him, he is a good person, but something is stopping him from engaging with us, I just think he doesn’t know what to do so does nothing. Nothing at al but hide away. I feel angry and disappointed with him most of the time. It makes me sad that he’s tired Mon-Thurs but ok Fri-Sun when with his mates. When he’s had a drink he does open up and says he loves us and wants to be here and couldn’t live without us etc yet is back to being a pain in the arse on the Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 10:26

I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 10:26

He has a physically demanding job, minimal stress.

OP posts:
Karmin · 15/04/2019 10:26

You have described him as:
A wanker
ridiculous
unreasonable dick
not bothered
pathetic
arsey
isolated
lazy
working long hours
depressed
mean
moody

After reading through your posts there is almost some glee in how they have reacted, but with the martyr card of the decision being a burden, why would they think they called the shots?

There is no love listed, except for when you are on holiday together. This isn't a marriage, this is a cycle of abuse. Why would you show your children that this is the way a relationship should work.

You cannot change the situation, you cannot change your husband you can only choose how to react.

Have you ever spoken to your 'husband' about all of this?

Friedeggsandcustard · 15/04/2019 10:27

This senario sounds just like my homelife growing up. My DM spent years treading on egg shells and making excuses. Yes my F was depressed but that does not mean you are allowed to treat other people like shit.

OP have a look over at the Stately Homes thread... and imagine your DD posting on their in a few years time...

pointythings · 15/04/2019 10:27

I think you know what you need to do, OP. This isn't about family therapy - the thing with the heating is enough evidence to state that the problem is him. He's controlling, emotionally absent or abusive, not a partner or a parent in any meaningful way. You need to tell him this, calmly and firmly, and tell him he needs to take steps to change. GP for possible depression, counselling for his emotional issues. This is work he has to do. He has to repair his relationships with his family.

And if he doesn't engage, you divorce him. You can either wait until the new divorce laws come in or go straight away - you have plenty of material for a petition on the basis of unreasonable behaviour.

Do it for your children. It won't mean they've 'called the shots' - it will mean you have listened to their concerns and acted in their best interests.

IvanaPee · 15/04/2019 10:28

but something is stopping him from engaging with us

That would be the fact that he doesn’t give a shit about you.

He tells you he loves you? So? His actions are telling you that he doesn’t.

Have you seen the countless threads in here where people have been treated abominably by parents and still want them in their lives? Because they’re their parents.

That should show you how serious it is that ALL of your dc want him gone.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 15/04/2019 10:29

Sounds like he hates his job. I’m a bit Shock at the kids thinking they can jettison family members. The heating is ridiculous but so is your response to it.

RainbowFox · 15/04/2019 10:30

They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.

How long have they been telling you this for?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/04/2019 10:30

OP its so not you lovely lady it isnt...his behaviour and attitude to you and the kids has made you think like this....it is NOT you at all....bet you have run yourself into the ground trying every tactic known to man to keep the peace...there is only so much you can do....

Bluesmartiesarebest · 15/04/2019 10:30

He isn’t a good person if he is ignoring his DC Monday to Thursday and only nice if he’s had a drink. He’s a terrible husband, op.

pumpkinpie01 · 15/04/2019 10:33

Please please give your children a better life than this, I guarantee you your house will be a happier one without him in it, fewer arguments, no expectations from you so no resentful feelings. For context yesterday my 17DD went to her dads, her younger brothers were there, her dads sons. She came back saying how he shouted at the 10 yr old for something so trivial there was no need for it and she could see her brother was withdrawn afterwards and she felt sorry for him. I left her dad when she was 2 so she didn't grow up being shouted at, she is a happy well adjusted teenager with no regrets that her parents aren't together and no memories of us being together. She understands fully why I made the decision , she can see it for herself. Your kids will have negative childhood memories , and that's not nice , make the next few years of their childhood happy ones please. Splitting up is a big step to take but you will all be happier and you and your DC deserve that.

TatianaLarina · 15/04/2019 10:33

I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant.

No. I’ve got things under control but then so has my DH. We both have.

MortyVicar · 15/04/2019 10:34

I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant.

You're making excuses for him. Anything anyone's said, you've come back to why it's not his fault - he's depressed, he's tired, he doesn't know what to do, and now it's nothing to do with him at all, it's you that's making him like this.

You need to be honest with yourself here. You clearly love him, despite your anger and disappointment. YOU don't want him to leave. It's damaging your children, but your wants come first. So what are you going to do? There's no point anyone else on here posting ideas or opinions, because you'll just come back and tell them why it can't/won't/shouldn't happen.

Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 10:37

Yes I’m making excuses.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 15/04/2019 10:37

"I actually think it’s me. I think appear so in control he just feels redundant."

This is nonsense. If you're in control then he has no excuses at all for not engaging with his children - he has it easy!

Original poster
Confusedadult · 15/04/2019 10:38

I’m going to speak to him tonight. Things change and/or we get help.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/04/2019 10:38

The reason he over reacts with the punishments is because he doesn't know them. He doesn't bother with your children, he hasn't bothered getting to know them.

Your children are lovely. If a stranger came up and said they were not worth getting to know, you would be absolutely raging. Don't let this man trample all over them any more. They are worth getting to know. They are worth spending time with.

Charley50 · 15/04/2019 10:38

You say he doesn't engage with you all, but he does engage is he's laying down the law and 'disciplining' the children. He's just engaging in a negative nasty way.
The DC don't respect him as he hasn't earned their respect, so when he tries to discipline them (grounded for the entire summer holidays!! WTF!), they realise he's full of shit and just don't want him around.
I bet your house is much calmer when he's at work.

LillithsFamiliar · 15/04/2019 10:39

This isn't about the DCs wanting their dad to leave. It's about your DH having disengaged from family life and only re-engaging to be controlling/abusive.
You're right. This isn't a decision for the DCs. It's one that you have to make. He isn't depressed. This isn't because you do too much and have made him redundant. This is about him prioritising his friends, treating you and the DCs like shit, and then throwing you tiny crumbs of niceness to keep you there.
Tell your DH he doesn't get to waltz in and shout at the DCs when he is disengaged with every other aspect of their life. Start putting down boundaries.
Read 'Why Does He Do That?' or 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?' Both by Lundy Bancroft.

recklessgran · 15/04/2019 10:40

Christ I wouldn't put up with this nor subject my children to it.
It's time for a proper shape up or ship out chat OP.

ToTheMoonAndBack78 · 15/04/2019 10:40

Op you are married to a man, who is living the life of a single man. He doesn't want to engage with his family. You are all a hassle to him, his behaviour says as much. Pack his bags for him, hand them to him when he arrives home and tell him to sod off to his mates house since he likes to spend so much time with them. Focus on you and your children. Anyone, depressed or not has no excuse to behave like an arsehole. Least of all with his wife and kids. If my dh even thought about turning our heat off, his bag's would meet him on the way out. That's abusive manipulative behaviour. And your kids will only keep growing to hate him, and eventually you too for letting them be subjected to this. If he was really interested or concerned about being a family, he would try to get help if needed. And talk to you. But his behaviour quite clearly states he can't be arsed. I've ended relationships for less.. No one should ever settle and be treated like that. You need to lead by example for your kids sake x good luck x Flowers Gin

ADHDme · 15/04/2019 10:41

My DF was a bit like this. He was the provider so got to be an arse at home. In reality he needed constant parenting himself. He was stressed, depressed, long hours, sometimes anger. He was great on holidays, we had the best camping holidays. He also played badminton with me every evening for hours and hours after work until it got dark. He's not a bad guy, it was the marriage that was the problem. In truth he was a bloody trooper as my DM was nuts (not like OP). He needed quite a lot of guidance. You can turn it round but I think it is the marriage that needs the work, so it is more of an equal partnership. That your kids say they hate him etc. is very sad. Are you sure they are not just saying what you feel?

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