Kids want their Dad to leave home!

[Confusedadult]

I’m prepared to get majorly abused about this...
My children are 12,10,8. They keep telling me they wish their Dad (my husband) didn’t live with us anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it.
My husband works hard/long hours and is always tired, he has isolated himself from our family. He never comes out with us, yet socialises a lot with his friends at weekends. They see him as lazy, moody and mean. He clashes constantly with our eldest and he has told me that he loves her but doesn’t like her very much. I have a list of complaints about my husband, but when I think about asking him to leave I really don’t want him too. How can I restore our family or is it too late if the children really don’t like him. He is a lovely man but seems to be lost in a cycle that isn’t what/how a family should operate.

[IvanaPee]

I handed him the phone and told him he’d better book 6 weeks off work to stay in with her as how the hell was I going to manage that with two other kids

That’s it? That was your response to him going OTT for something insignificant?

Are you really going to make your children live with him for the sake of a couple of weeks in the year when he’s funny?

Really???

[Boom45]

I don't think you can keep such a negative influence in your house. Not that he has to leave but he has to do something about it, if he doesn't want to then that's your answer.
And women, as a rule, take on the emotional labour of a household. We take on sole responsibility for the mental wellbeing of everyone under our roof as well as all the organising and admin. Its hard fucking work but its made impossible when your "partner" actively works against you. If he wont engage then nothing will change.

[Hercules12]

if he's depressed then he can go to his GP. that's if he wants to change. doesn't sound like he does though. your choice then to stay but your kids will leave home as soon as they can and will want a distant relationship with you both. honestly that's what will happen. they don't have to choose to stay.

[IvanaPee]

I also know that I sound like a twat who’s making excuses for a wanker.

If the shoe fits.

[PotatoesDieInHotCars]

I know, I know, I know. But I do genuinely think he’s depressed or out of his depth. I also know that I sound like a twat who’s making excuses for a wanker.

Right. But he's not doing anything about it because he doesn't have to. Why would he when there are no consequences? He'll just keep on doing what he's doing until YOU say enough is enough.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

You've already said that you're living the life of a single parent (though perhaps not as succinctly). He doesn't sound like he is partaking in family life at all. Does he do any chores around the house? Does he bring children to/from activities when he is around? Or is he simply a resident in your home?
If he is depressed, or if you think he might be depressed, he should seek help. There is no shame in that. He sounds like he's completely disengaged with family life. If he doesn't want to partake in family life, then your kids are right and they would have a better, more stable life with you as their sole parent.
You need to have that conversation with your DH and it needs to be sooner rather than later.

Best of luck to you!

[Karmin]

I told him he was being an unreasonable dick. - In front of the children?

How often is he criticised in front of them?

If you manage everything and he is isolating himself, how has it got to this point?

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

He's not depressed. Why does that excuse always get trotted out for shitty behaviour?

He's a man who's checked out family life and finds his family a nuisance.

[Lavellan]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for this guy. Only bc it sounds like he is absolutely emotionally blocked and seriously sticking his head in the sand. Some men seem to do this until their family moves out one day and they still say they don't see what was wrong... It's not a happy or healthy way to live. It does sound like he may need some help to even get to the point where he is able to talk with you about the problems.

[Confusedadult]

I am out of my depth, I do everything Child/home related and I work, it’s a pretty stressful job too. He needs to go, our marriage is over. But I just can’t say it. I’m not afraid to be alone as I am alone now. Just with another “adult” to cook and clean for.

[Wolfiefan]

Telling her he’s a dick isn’t addressing the issue. You needed to deal with him.
I have depression. I sought treatment and didn’t take it out on my kids.
I too have been out of my depth at times. So I have sought advice. I haven’t been a nasty bastard to my kids.

[Omzlas]

My only question is this: why don't you want him to leave?? His only contribution seems to be negative, you say you love him but call him lazy and a wanker. I appreciate that it's possible to love a wanker but come on, how much longer are you going to subject your children to their father's behaviour?


He needs to sort his issues out, whatever they may be, or pack his shit and get gone. Your children won't thank you when they're older if you allow this behaviour to continue.

[GarthFunkel]

You say he's not making any effort in his relationships but he is, isn't he - he has an active social life and I presume he's conversing with people during all these long hours he works.... so he's simply checked out of his relationship with you and your children.

What is he bringing to your lives? What would be better without him in the house? It's not like he's a benign being - he's actively making everyone unhappy.

[BiscuitDrama]

What sort of job does he do? Without being totally outing. Is it all encompassing?

[Confusedadult]

Children weren’t there, it was in private.

[MortyVicar]

So you have someone who has checked out of family life, abuses you (the heating, and clearly much else - no-one who can do that is lovely the rest of the time), goes OTT with 'discipline' for the eldest but is soft on the younger ones, can engage plenty with his friends but not his wife and children.

But making him leave isn't an option because it would mean the kids got to think that they call the shots.

[IvanaPee]

But why did you want him there? What is it that makes you want him to stay??

[SpriggyTheHedgehog]

Being a man is no excuse for treating your family like dirt. This is abusive behaviour. Why you'd feel sorry for anyone who treats their family like this I have no idea. Possessing a penis does not make him incapable of seeking help if he has depression, or make his behaviour anymore understandable.

[IvanaPee]

I find it very hard to believe that he’s so depressed he can’t be decent to his children but manages to bounce back in time to fuck off socialising all weekend.

[Bluesmartiesarebest]

If you’re not ready to end the marriage yet, could you get some counselling for yourself? Speak to women’s aid? I think there are various self help books which might give you the strength to end things. I found ‘feel the fear but do it anyway’ was good.

[TatianaLarina]

Surely life would be a lot easier without him? You’d have one less child to worry about and a disruptive, obstreperous one at that.

[Iggly]

The marriage is over, he’s checked out of family life....

He must know - he can’t be stupid.

[notapizzaeater]

He doesn't bring anything to the party, do you want to fix it or cut loose. Tbh anyone who decided I couldn't have the heating on whilst they where out would have there bags by the door !

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

I work with vulnerable children and families. I deal with families in crisis every day and I can't recall a single situation where all the kids in a family have told one parent that they want the other parent to leave the family home. That's really very unusual. Kids tend to instinctively defend their parents, even the really useless ones. This makes me wonder if there is more to this. OP, do your DC feel safe with their father? You say that discipline is sometimes OTT, does it ever become physical? Is he verbally abusive towards them or you? I'm just trying to understand why they all feel so strongly as it's highly unusual for DC to completely reject a parent simply for being "lazy" or "moody", especially if the person has always been this way and they don't know any different.

You say you think your DH is depressed but you also say he spends a lot of time socialising with friends, which is unusual (although not impossible) for someone with Depression. Even if he is depressed, it doesn't excuse or explain unreasonable behaviour such as trying to ground your DD for 6 weeks or turning the heating off at the mains.

[Ratbagcatbag]

I'd very seriously listen to what your children are saying.
My dad was the same. My mum would have done exactly as you did with the heating. Because the fall out isn't worth it.
I figured as the oldest and a girl if I was being scapegoated anyway for shitty behaviour I may as well do it.

My dad finally left when I was 17. Had an affair as he'd lost control of his world. I've been NC ever since.
My mum, I think she's pathetic. She could have chose a different life for all of us, but she was too scared to put us first. I won't ever forgive her for that either. I've had years of counselling to deal with it all. And I'm now NC with my mum too.

He's choosing to be how he is. He's not like it when he's socialising.
He has you not rocking the boat as he's trained you it's easier not too, he hasn't got that into your eldest yet. So you either set her up for a lifetime of towing an aggressive males line, or that her life is daily conflict. Nice choices there. Both will damage her. But hey, he'd be hurt so better not upset him.