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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my mum selfish for not helping

161 replies

Mumoflil1 · 14/04/2019 19:32

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

OP posts:

Wer2Next · 14/04/2019 19:33

Have you asked?

StoorieHoose · 14/04/2019 19:34

Have you asked her and she said no?

bridgetreilly · 14/04/2019 19:34

Start to dream of asking. And then, you know, actually ask. If she says no, you're no worse off. But if she thinks you're doing fine and would ask if you needed help, then the only way to get help is to ask. Like a grown up.

Windowsareforcheaters · 14/04/2019 19:34

I think it would be reasonable but just wait to be told you are selfish.

Being pregnant is hard work, I would think you help and support people you love during this time.

StoorieHoose · 14/04/2019 19:34

Sorry just read you 'wouldnt dream of asking'. Why on earth not?

SpinneyHill · 14/04/2019 19:35

If you haven't asked her how the hell is she supposed to know?

Bambamber · 14/04/2019 19:35

Why don't you just ask her?

Ilovetolurk · 14/04/2019 19:35

Another boomer baiting thread ? You couldn’t resist the last sentence could you

Could’ve left it out and another poster would’ve added it for you in a few posts time

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 19:35

It would be nice if your mum offered but she hasn’t. You clearly resent that. Why do you need a break from your child?

DramaAlpaca · 14/04/2019 19:35

You say you wouldn't dream of asking but you really should, your mum might not have offered because she doesn't want to tread on your toes.

Windowsareforcheaters · 14/04/2019 19:38

I'm a tail end boomer and I think as a whole they are one of the most selfish generations.

They got help and support but offer it to no one,

Dishwashersaurous · 14/04/2019 19:39

You need to actually ask and if she says no then that’s fine but you need to ask.

My mother wouldn’t ever volunteer to look after but if I ask her eg for a doctors appointment then she happily will.

Maybe do a small white lie and say you have a midwife appointment that might overrun so could she pick up from school and take him home.

She’s not a mind reader

FuzzyPuffling · 14/04/2019 19:39

is this just the way of that generation?
Bit of a sweeping and unpleasant generalisation there. Each decision is made by an individual, just as you have chosen to have children.

Yes it would be nice for you if your mum wanted to help, but if she doesn't want to, then that is entirely her prerogative. It's a bit off to call her selfish just because she isn't doing your will. Maybe she'd prefer to cook you a dinner or something not directly child related? You can but ask.

budgiegirl · 14/04/2019 19:39

Ask her ! She’s not psychic - she may be wondering why you never ask her to babysit but doesn’t like to say anything either

FriarTuck · 14/04/2019 19:42

If you can trust her to look after your child then surely you must be capable of having a grown-up conversation with her? Ask her! Don't bitch about her on here if you can't even manage to be an adult and talk to her.

Ilovetolurk · 14/04/2019 19:42

Two-fifths (40%) of the nation's grandparents over the age of 50 - five million - have provided regular childcare for their grandchildren, according to a new YouGov poll for leading older people's charity, Age UK

Just putting this out there

missmouse101 · 14/04/2019 19:42

Please do ask her if she could help. I'm sure she would like to!

Drum2018 · 14/04/2019 19:45

She's not a mind reader. If you don't ask her to help out she may assume you are managing fine. Its your decision to have kids, nothing to do with her. Yes it would be nice to get help now and again but you need to ask for it. If she doesn't wish to help then accept that, as she's certainly not obliged to help out.

diamondofdoom · 14/04/2019 19:46

Don't ask, don't get.

NoSauce · 14/04/2019 19:46

It’s a bit rubbish that the OP has to ask personally. Her mum can see that she’s struggling.

CamdenTownie · 14/04/2019 19:46

My mum is the same, I have asked her and it's really awkward because she makes excuses that are quite obvious. She would say that she was busy when I hadn't even mentioned a particular time or date ect.

It's quite sad because I also had a fantastic relationship with my maternal grandparents, who I spent every weekend and school holiday with, my children don't have anything remotely like that.

They are older now and I stopped asking years ago and just got on with it myself, I do remember being totally exhausted when I had 3 under 5 and she told me I needed to take some berrocca

If it's done anything it's made me realise that I don't want that to happen with my own children/grandchildren.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/04/2019 19:46

I have a gd and l do find it hard her dm doesn't ask me to babysit. So pick one occasion eg going to see doctor and ask her. Then see how that goes. Is there a granddad? Maybe he would collect him from school or mind him on a Sat afternoon.

KC225 · 14/04/2019 19:48

Two things about your post.

Currently relying on DP to.do.most of the chores and errands - er yeah that's kind of the job description. Partner to share the load.

Is it the way of that generation? But others have others you up for that.

Ask her? And be nice, you come across as a bit snooty, she doesn't do anything, his would you even know if you and DP are so busy working fill time and school pick ups etc.

Ask her nicely.

NorthEndGal · 14/04/2019 19:51

Why wouldn't you ask? Does she have a history of saying no?

barryfromclareisfit · 14/04/2019 19:53

OP, what gives you the right to claim your mother’s time and effort? She exists just to support you, does she? You sound very ‘entitled’.

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