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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum selfish for not helping

161 replies

Mumoflil1 · 14/04/2019 19:32

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

OP posts:
LetsDialDownTheIanPaisley · 15/04/2019 12:33

If my mum lived near me she would have my son all the time. As it is she lives 2 hours away and works full time, however, she always offers her help even if it means taking annual leave.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 15/04/2019 12:38

K, the drip feed about your father being terminally ill is a big one. But all the same, you need to ask.

Coyoacan · 15/04/2019 12:40

If my dd had a husband I would be getting on with my life and wouldn't be child-minding at my age.

Your mum is young and healthy and can afford not to work, why are you giving her money?

imastickysticki · 15/04/2019 12:54

I'm sorry you're not well op and sorry to hear about your Dad Thanks

But why continue to support your mum when she doesn't support you?

If the financial support is regular, stop this and use the money for a cleaner/decent babysitter.

Time to put yourself first op x

pigsDOfly · 15/04/2019 12:54

So much drip feeding.

And it's gone from OP's mother not offering the occasional bit of help to the OP being almost incapacitated and yet still being able to support and care for her terminally ill father.

converseandjeans · 15/04/2019 12:54

mumoflil1 I think you are getting a hard time on here. It sounds like you do support your DM as well as popping in to check on DF too. I think she does sound selfish tbh - she is hardly old at 55. She should work rather than accept money from you. I think you should stop helping her out financially. If she asks, just say you can't afford it with all the childcare you have to pay. It sounds like she doesn't do much to help DF either.
Unfortunately she will lose out as when she wants help at some point you may be less inclined to do so.
I think you need to accept she is selfish & try to find a way to accept it. I don't think it is much to ask to have your DS occasionally in the school hols, or for a few hours once a week after school. I have no idea why on here people think we should all struggle on with no help.

pigsDOfly · 15/04/2019 12:55

Oh and financially supporting her uncaring mother.

converseandjeans · 15/04/2019 12:56

Agree with imasticki use the cash for a cleaner or treats for you and DH rather than subbing your DM who is perfectly able to work herself but chooses not to.

Bubs101 · 15/04/2019 13:12

One day the time will come when these boomers get old and frail and start demanding care from their children when they outright refused any help to their adult children. I've seen it happen to friends far too many times, and they just let their parents 'get on with it', as their parents told them. It's not so funny to them when the shoe is on the other foot, but as they say, you've made your bed now lay in it.

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 13:32

Why have you put some words in random quote marks?

I think your mum does sound a bit selfish, but if that’s who she is as a person there isn’t much you can do. It is hard though!

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 13:36

*Hold on...your father has a terminal illness and your mother is dealing with that (all the physical and emotional overload that that causes)

How did you jump to this conclusion when the OP specifically said her mother doesn’t support her father...?

fishonabicycle · 15/04/2019 13:36

Just ask her.

Coffeeonthesofa · 15/04/2019 13:47

Maybe your mum is on here and read another thread running at the moment accusing mums and mil’s who would like to spend time with their grandchildren or have them overnight, as being desperate, interfering, only wanting to show off their grandchildren and why don’t they just get one of their own rather than trying to take mine.
I’ll respond the same way as I did on that thread I am a grand parent, who due to circumstances is fortunate to have my grand daughter a lot, at weekends overnights etc ( both me and my DH are working full time). Always at the request of her mum or my son ( they are separated) and she is the most perfect, confident child who spends time with her other grandparents as well. Just ask, you might be pleasantly surprised.

cheeseypizza · 15/04/2019 13:53

Yes, she is selfish.

cheeseypizza · 15/04/2019 13:54

Sorry, just realised you haven't asked. In that case, no she isn't.

Tidy2018 · 15/04/2019 14:54

Is she menopausal? Some women experience an absolute train wreck of emotional and ohysical symptoms.

You could try asking.

BeansandRice · 15/04/2019 14:54

Much of this is not about whether your mother is selfish, but more about what sort of relationship you have with her. If its not great this might be a chance to improve it. Not by calling her selfish but by telling her you are finding things hard and would love her help

This. Great advice.

But I fear the OP does not want to hear it. I fear she simply wants us to validate her feelings that her DM is selfish, and that all women born before 1962 are selfish. Or something.

BeansandRice · 15/04/2019 15:01

This thread is just turning into a GF tread about so-called selfish babyboomers. Not true & not helpful in helping the OP to stop seething and behaving very passive-aggressively.

OP there is no generational reason for your DM's behaviour. Maybe she is selfish. Maybe her experience as a mother means she doesn't want to do it again. Maybe her parents were interfering and she doesn't want to repeat that.

You won't know until you ask her. And at the moment, you're working yourself up into a froth about a "selfish generation" just because your mother is not a mind reader. It doesn't actually help you deal with a set of extremely difficult circumstances.

It's infantilising yourself to have this kind of passive-aggressive "If she really loved me, she'd seeI need help" or thinking that you shouldn't have to ask her.

Asking for help is hard (I know, I'm terrible at it). but you will have to ask.

Perhaps you need to think about why you seem set upon not asking your mother for help?

Mammyloveswine · 15/04/2019 15:14

My parents do one morning of childcare every other week and by god do they make a meal out of it. Drives me mad!

Id love them to offer to have the children on a weekend or in the school holidays for an afternoon so i could get on with redecorating or god forbid actually have some time with DH.

They have my brothers kids all the time for sleepovers but seem.to view my two as a chore. Im putting both in nursery at the end of the year so i no longer have to rely on them for childcare..

My in laws live away but always offer to babysit so dh and i can go out when they come up to visit. Tellingly, mil told me it was because they never got a break when dh and his siblings were young as their grandparents never offered to babysit.

CantStopMeNow · 15/04/2019 18:44

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school
I think you need to wise up OP - your mother farmed you out to other people/places for childcare because SHE didn't want to spend time with her own children.
So it's no surprise she hasn't offered to help you with any childcare.

To this day I still support my mother financially
Why?
You're a mug for doing it because she's just taking from you and not giving anything back in return.

You said you help take care of your dad because she won't - looks like she hasn't changed at all.
Stop giving her money and insist on being treated with some respect and consideration.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 15/04/2019 18:55

Why are you financially supporting your mum when she has chosen to stop work early? I would definitely stop and focus your finances on your own family. For example you could pay for extra help during this pregnancy.

Nonnymum · 15/04/2019 19:12

I'm from your Mum's generation and look after my DGCs regularly. I look after t hem every time I am. Asked even if it means rearranging my own appointments etc. But that is my choice because I love the DGcs and love being with them.
I didn't receive any help from my parents or in laws when my children were young and nor did I expect or what it tbh because I don't think they were in a position to help. But I am happy to care for my Dgc because it means I can help build up my relationship with my DGcs and help my children.
However I do think you are BU calling your Mjm selfish or lazy she has brought up her children and she doesn't have a duty to help with yours. Although it would be nice if she did there may be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't. Have you asked her? Do you see much of her generally? How close are you to her?

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2019 19:14

Yes, she is selfish

Wow, just wow this woman has a terminally ill husband. You've no clue what she is going through, emoti9nally or otherwise. And here you are proclaiming on her on line as selfish because she also doesn't take her grand kids,

Karmas a bitch honey. Best you watch out.

NoSauce · 15/04/2019 19:29

Really Bluntness? The OP has no clue how her mother is feeling when her own dad is terminally ill?

Rach182 · 15/04/2019 19:46

I think you need to wise up OP - your mother farmed you out to other people/places for childcare because SHE didn't want to spend time with her own children.
So it's no surprise she hasn't offered to help you with any childcare.

Completely agree with this. Your mum won't help you and personally I do think it's selfish not to try and be there for your child although others all disagree with me. I guess I think family is meant to be there for each other but it's very one sided with your mum.

I agree with pps that you should use the money and time you have been giving your mum to making you and your husband's lives easier whether that's for cleaning, childcare etc.

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