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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum selfish for not helping

161 replies

Mumoflil1 · 14/04/2019 19:32

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 14/04/2019 19:58

Entitled? The OP sounds on her knees, how any mother can see that and ignore it is a bit strange to me.

Acis · 14/04/2019 20:00

Does she have a job?

Grumpelstilskin · 14/04/2019 20:04

She has done her child rearing. Out of order to call her selfish for potentially wanting time for herself.

Daphnesmate · 14/04/2019 20:08

My mother was like this, yet depended completely upon my lovely grandparents back in the day. So much so that I grew up much closer to my grandparents than my own mother and because of this experience, I think I thought rather naively, that my parents would be there in a parent/grandparent capacity and support me. It was a strange assumption to make, looking back, when they hadn't really stepped up at being parents. I always used to have to ask my mother for help and this was only when I became desperate for help like hospital appointments (my mother watched me struggle with pnd and did absolutely nothing to support me and like nosauce says, it was all a bit strange because I wouldn't do that with my own dcs). There are some very supportive grandparents out there of about the same age as my mother, so I wouldn't like to say it is a generation thing.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/04/2019 20:10

I think possibly a bit selfish yes

Yes she has done her child rearing but helping out for a couple of hours here or there isn't child rearing or significantly affecting her me time or retirement or whatever - it's just babysitting and I think its surprising she doesn't offer.

Some people on this thread seem to think you've asked is she selfish for not looking after your 5 kids 7am - 6pm 4 days a week so you can work or something.

Saying that there may be a valid reason she hasn't offered so I would definitely ask. If she declines then yes I think she is selfish

Langrish · 14/04/2019 20:10

I would wait to be asked. Not selfish, just wouldn’t want to tread on toes and give the impression I thought my children weren’t coping.

LynnTheseAreSexPeople · 14/04/2019 20:12

She has done her child rearing. Out of order to call her selfish for potentially wanting time for herself.

To be fair she didn't do all the childrearing her parents did a lot of it. Not saying that means she should become OP's full time nanny but it doesn't hurt to pay it forward a bit!

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 20:13

She’s probably read all the posts on Mumsnet about parents offering help and it being interpreted as judgemental.

Ask her.

AndOutComeTheBoobs · 14/04/2019 20:13

She has done her child rearing.

She isn't asking her to rear her grandchild. Jesus wept.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/04/2019 20:15

I think she is selfish OP.
I will always help my DC even as adults.

ilovesooty · 14/04/2019 20:16

If you're martyring yourself and wouldn't dream of asking, perhaps it's high time you did.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 20:18

“, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.”

Why on earth not? She’s not psychic!

Ihatehashtags · 14/04/2019 20:20

I think you need to ask her and tell her you are struggling. If she then says no, and she doesn’t work, then yes she is very selfish. Especially if she was given a lot of help herself and now she isn’t doing the same for you. It’s really rubbish of her actually. I’ve made a vow never to do that to my kids.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/04/2019 20:23

AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation

You could just as easily turn that around and say it's selfish to expect others to pick up extra for a choice you made.

You two as a couple made the choice to extend the family, they didn't. Not up to them to assist in your adult choices.

Mum2jenny · 14/04/2019 20:23

Unless you ask, you'll never know if she'd be willing to help. Parents aren't mind readers!

Mum2jenny · 14/04/2019 20:25

Some grandparents are very mindful of overstepping boundaries (real or imagined), so if you want/ need help, you must ask for it.

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 20:26

I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking

Why not ? Confused

How is she supposed to know if you don't tell her you need help / ask her for help ? Hmm

Oldbutstillgotit · 14/04/2019 20:27

Bit disappointed to ( again) see the comment about “ that generation “ as I fall into the Baby Boomer category and i don’t regard myself as selfish, in fact DGS is staying here tonight as DD has a migraine. To be honest , most of my Granny friends willingly provide a huge amount of childcare.
Whynot ask your Mum ?

pigsDOfly · 14/04/2019 20:29

So you have no idea if she's being selfish because you haven't asked her to help so you haven't given her the opportunity to say 'yes, I'd love to', or 'no, I won't help you'. Perhaps she doesn't offer because the thinks you're fine because you haven't asked for her help.

And if you don't ask her for help, how is she supposed to know that you need help?

One of my DDs will often not contact me for over a week or so because she's got better things to do but come a crisis she's on the phone immediately. And I'm there to help.

She never rings me at the weekend, but last weekend she needed my help so rang me to help her and I continued to help her during the week.

However, I never offer to help her because I know that she has a DH is is more than capable and so I don't want to step on anyone's toes.

Stop making assumptions and if you need help, ask like an adult, instead of coming on here and complaining that she and her generation are clearly all selfish.

cptartapp · 14/04/2019 20:30

My DM lived ten minutes away. Retired at 60, in good health, drove etc, but never ever helped out with the Dc unless asked. And by their teens had never had them for a sleepover. Never offered. So obviously didn't want to.
I remember lots of my childhood at grandparents but it seems to me my DM just didn't enjoy the company of young children. We could easily go a month without seeing her. She preferred to be shopping or going on holiday. FWIW she's dead now, but I do feel sad for my DC particularly as we play second fiddle to SIL and her DC too

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 20:30

AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

Wow.
I'm closer to your Mum's age than yours, and here's a thing - my dh and I decided to have our dc. We didn't "expect" others to pick our dc up from school. Not saying that is a 'generational thing'. Is you expecting others to do that for you a 'generational thing' ? Hmm

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 14/04/2019 20:33

Maybe she felt like her parents were interfering with her child rearing and wouldn’t want to do the same....

Ask her and see what she says

imastickysticki · 14/04/2019 20:33

YANBU but I don't think it's a generational thing.

Both my DM and MIL, same age, work about 10 hours a week with no other responsibilities. My MIL is very genuine with her offers of help and will always help us when she can.

My DM on the other hand won't go out of her way for anyone but will expect me to be a free taxi service. My Dad is just as unhelpful. Probably outing but my baby needed emergency surgery at 3 weeks old.

She wasn't able to feed as she needed her stomach empty for the op, so as you can imagine it was awful trying to settle a newborn when she'd gone 24 hours without any feeds. The consultants told us to make sure she had a dummy to help keep her calm and it got lost in the ambulance on the way. No hospital shops were open and she didn't like the ones they had at hospital, my Dad was sat at home doing fuck all at 8pm and wouldn't make the 30 minute drive for us to go to the 24 hour shop and get some.

It's hurtful and makes you feel like they don't care!

After my long rant Blush... I don't think YABU to expect a tiny offer of help here and there.

wineandcatsandlego · 14/04/2019 20:33

Did i read that the other grandparents (DH's parents presumably) also don't help? Why must this fall to your mother but isn't seemingly an issue that DH's also don't help?

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:34

I can understand that they don;t want to become free regular childcare but it does seem that it wouldn't be much of an inconvenience to them. Just ask.

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