Is my mum selfish for not helping

[Mumoflil1]

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

You probably just need to ask. You can’t be annoyed if you haven’t asked her yet. She may not realise that you’d appreciate the extra help.

I don’t think it’s a generation thing I think it’s a personality thing.

I understand what you are saying OP. You think she’d want to spend time with her grandchildren and help you out. She should offer. My MIL often just rings me to ask if she can pick up my boys from school just so she can see them. My mum will happily have them whenever. It’s a mixture of them offering and me asking.

I would outright ask her though. Then if she says no you have your answer and can just take her out of the equation. Some grandparents don’t want that relationship with their grandchildren.

I don’t think it’s a generation thing I think it’s a personality thing
This.
DM always helped me or offered, when she was in good health, DF is 70, sometimes there is an hour or 2 cross over for me and DP working, he will happily watch the DC for the few hours.
MIL leaves 100 miles away, if I needed her she would come, she can't do enough for us when we visit, likewise I will do the same for my DC and their DC.

I don’t understand the majority of responses here. The OP is struggling with being pregnant, a full time job, another child, housework, juggling childcare in the holidays and everything else that goes with having children, a job, a house.

I don’t and can’t understand how her mum and dad just sit back watching her struggle. Yes they’ve “done their bit” blah blah but it wouldn’t kill them to ask if their daughter was ok, did she need any help in whatever way, just show a bit of parental concern and love.

They sound pretty selfish and blinkered to me.

Ok - so, to put this into a little more context.

When it comes to my mother, or anyone else for that matter, I don't want to put anyone out and quite frankly, I'd rather 'make do' than to feel I am 'forcing' my kid on to anyone. I get it, kids can be exhausting so of course I don't want to impose. However, over the last few weeks I have developed a pregnancy related condition that has made things very difficult. My mum is fully aware but hasn't once offered any sort of help .. not even to cook the odd meal now and again. As a daughter and now a mum that does hurt - she is 55, of good health and not working by choice. If my mum was ill - I'd be the first to help. When I lived in another town, I would always call / visit to just check in and, to this day I still support my mother financially. And before anyone says it - no, I do not expect anything in return it's just that I remember my own grandparents being so different.
That said, I asked if this was a generational thing as my DP's mother is pretty similar. In her case, I get that, I know where I stand with her and she certainly does not rely on us for anything so, that's 100% fine by me - this was not a 'slight' on the baby boomer generation (I don't think my my fits into that category) but more of me trying to understand whether my mother is just selfish objectively or whether, society has changed and it is what it is and in fact, my expectations at this time are misplaced.

Delatron I think you are absolutely right in saying Some grandparents don’t want that relationship with their grandchildren I think my mum fits more in this category. Until I got to this stage of pregnancy and before I had my little one, I always offered to have my nieces and nephews because I wanted to and enjoyed that time. At the same time, their parents know I'm happy to help them out in a pickle so don't need (I hope) to feel uncomfortable asking.

it's just that I remember my own grandparents being so different

But you don't know what they may have said to your DM privately. They may have loved you as grandchildren but given your mother a hard time about the extent of her reliance on them ... She may have made a different decision from that of her parents for all sorts of reasons.

Why not just ask for help? Without the resentment and judgement of your mother's life choices that you're displaying here.

Why shouldn't she do what she wants to do now her child-rearing days are over? Why are you intent on chaining her back to home, domesticity etc? And where's your father in this?

Or do you think that looking after children & helping around the house is something only women can do?

Oh for goodness sake, ASK!!!!!!

She may be a selfish cow. She may not want to intrude. She may not realise you’re struggling. The only thing you know for sure is that she is not psychic.

Two-fifths (40%) of the nation's grandparents over the age of 50 - five million - have provided regular childcare for their grandchildren,

And of the remaining 3/5, how many are still working, or providing care for their own elderly parents?

By the time DP retires, his DGD will be 14 and quite capable of looking after herself. And if his mum is still with us then, I expect we'll be doing a fair bit of helping care for her, too.

Beans and rice, completely fine to have an alternative opinion to mine but please don't make judgment on the things you have not mentioned. For your information - my father has a terminal illness - it pains him that he can't help as much as he would like to and was able to previously. So, not only do I have my child to care for there is my lovely dad too, who I also like to check in on and cook for etc - who my mum does not support. My thought was that in relation to my current 'temporary' condition - I have had an operation recently, my mobility is temporarily restricted, I have fatigue and pain too - just an offer of 1 pick up per week/ fortnight from school club would make such a difference, I wouldn't have to rush from work to the pick up as I have to now which tires me out. I would rather not ask because I don't feel entitled. I just feel that at a time when my mum is not not working i.e. has no job, wants no job and when her daughter is in constant agony preventing a decent night's sleep - it would be nice to just offer a small gesture of help. The baby will be here soon and when things are back to normal, I'll certainly rethink the help and support I continue to give my own mum.

Just ask for help, worst case she says no.

My mom refuses to have my kids or help often. Like she has said she has raised her kids (we all left home later in life nearly in 30s, so she's only just getting her life back) and she doesn't want to start raising kids now she wants her life back and time for her. She has a right to do that and I don't begrudge her in any way.

Nah sorry the mother doesn’t want to help. With the updates from the OP it’s obvious she isn’t interested in helping her daughter.

Don’t ask OP. Sorry you’re in this position.

If you don’t ask you won’t know. It’s up to you.

My mum would kill herself to help me. I don’t even tell her when I’m drowning often because she would get on two trains and travel the six hours to be with me by the end of the day.

I know I’m lucky but what is the point of anything much if you don’t love your children enough to not see them suffer. Parts of life are very very hard so I hope to be there for my kids during those periods for them like my mum is for me.

Im 52 but not in the baby boomer generation. I was born in 1967. Birth rate was not ‘booming’ at that stage. Baby boomers have now retired.

Not all of us. I'm 63 and won't get my pension till I'm 66; DP was born in 1960, so just a boomer, and won't get his until 2026. The only people I know who've retired in their 50s/early 60s are those with generous occupational pensions that they can comfortably live on.

People now in their 40s won't get their pensions until the age of 68, so the chances of them being retired early enough to look after their GC aren't great.

I get where you are at....as my family dynamics are similar - I knew PIL would do nothing but they live miles away so expectations are low....I have asked my DM for help once in my life since i left home and she did but I'm not sure I ever would again..........she has v little relationship with DC as every meet is at her terms and sometimes she moans about it but I refuse to respond.....

I feel you are scared to ask as she will probably say no/moan whatever and that will crystalise where your relationship with her is at....and you're not up to facing that....... She is highly unlikely to offer- if she hasn't done so far and your hopes of that are really sad as you dont sound entitled just knackered/desperate....

so for now - you and DP need a plan to manage this stage without help..is there an afterschool club your DC could go to reduce your rush? or childminder that picks up from the school... there were few that just did pickups/afterschool near us

but please don't make judgment on the things you have not mentioned

Or rather, that you haven't mentioned. When an OP is complaining about her DM for being selfish, it's reasonable to ask about her DF. It's unreasonable to then attack that poster when you hadn't mentioned that your father is terminally ill.

Big drip feed.

It must be very very difficult for you all, and particularly your mother, facing the loss of her husband.

I'm just struck by the way you are seething & judging your mother - and seething about something you have not even asked her for.

It's as if you are judging her for not being properly "womanly" or feminine or maternal, because she doesn't anticipate your need.

I wonder if your father's illness is causing you all to emotionally jam up. You don't know how your mother is coping privately - maybe just talk to her?

Or, is this just the way of that generation?

What an odd thing to say!

You should just ask and then you'll find out how she really feels.
She may well think you are coping or that you do not want her involvement - many parents don't want to involve or rely on family.
She may be waiting for you to invite her rather than her feel she is pushing you into something.
You ask, she replies.... and then you will have a definitive answer you can all work around.

If you’re only asking for the odd school pick up here and there and a couple of hours after school then you are hardly going to prevent her ‘getting her life back’.

My happiest memories are when I spent weeks with my grandma on holiday. She happily took me and my brother and cousin away!

My mum would hate to see me struggle. I know I’m lucky but having no interest in your grandkids or helping your daughter is very sad. It would really affect my relationship with my mother if this was the case.

As a mother I am happy to help all of my children when a need arises. I do need them to ask me eg to babysit for a doctors appt . If I think they are finding things difficult I will offer but am nt a mind reader. Much of this is not about whether your mother is selfish, but more about what sort of relationship you have with her. If its not great this might be a chance to improve it. Not by calling her selfish but by telling her you are finding things hard and would love her help

We are not all obliged to give our life story Beans and rice on an AIBU form and you've jumped to conclusions yet again within your response. It really does seem as though you are only capable of seeing things from your own personal lens and assumptions which is pretty unhelpful. The question was around whether my mother is selfish or whether there is just a change in attitudes towards the role of grandparents. The question wasn't seeking an amateur psychological report on my entire family situation.

Thanks to the rest of you, very helpful responses :)

Is your father at home op? Is your mother effectively his carer? How is she coping with his illness?

Hold on...your father has a terminal illness and your mother is dealing with that (all the physical and emotional overload that that causes) and you are calling her selfish for not having your children too? Give me strength. Maybe it's the other way round and you should be helping your parents?