Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum selfish for not helping

161 replies

Mumoflil1 · 14/04/2019 19:32

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 14/04/2019 20:36

What BackforGood said. I had no one to help me when my DCs were children. My mother lived too far away and my in laws weren't interested in helping.

I chose to have my children so got on with it and never expected help.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:37

You must however plan to support your own DC, Your parents have done their time, so to speak, and maybe want to enjoy their carefree later years. it is their life too.

Hannahmates · 14/04/2019 20:39

If you want help you have to ask her. She can't read your mind. Unless there is some context we are missing. Are you close with your mother? Why do you say you would never ask her for help?

Dana28 · 14/04/2019 20:40

Maybe you shouldn't be having another child if you are struggling so much with the first

NoSauce · 14/04/2019 20:54

So when your children grow up and have their own children and are struggling with life, work, etc will you sit back and say nothing, offer no help unless you’re asked for it?

Springwalk · 14/04/2019 21:05

I love the posts that say parents have 'done their time' etc, it makes spending time with children sound like a prison sentence or worse. I can't understand for the life of me why a grandparent wouldn't want to spend time with their grandchildren? Isn't the joy of being a granny all about seeing them. Unless I am missing something op's mother could have easily offered to look after her child even for a minimal amount of time to help op.

No her mother doesn't have to do it, but she has taken full advantage of her own parents when she needed them, and yet selfishly does not do the same for her own child and grandchildren. Choosing 'me' time. Only a baby boomer could do this.

Op, your struggles will not last forever, and if she isn't prepared to help you now then you are not obliged to help her either, at any point, and she can get on and enjoy her carefree me time on her own into old age. You are now liberated to do as much or as little as you want for her in future.

Try and look into some babysitters that can give you a break and play with your little one whilst you have a rest upstairs. Or a neighbour. It is tiring but it will get easier.

Tweedypie · 14/04/2019 21:06

You do need to ask OP, you cannot know for sure unless you do.
I know friends who have parents falling over themselves to help with babies in arms, but as soon as they hit walking, potty training and generally requiring a more active Carer they will only help if it's nighttime babysitting and the kids are in bed.
I'm sorry you are left wondering but you need to ask and then plan around the answer.
I had my kids young and neither of my patents were retired till my youngest was about 10, they have super relationships and were very active. Now though they have more time for my brothers young kids they tire easily and are not as hands on.
There are many reasons for Grandparents to help or not to help, but you won't know until you ask.

TheCrowFromBelow · 14/04/2019 21:11

just ask her.
Half the time on here there are posts about how unreasonable it is thatGP want to have the DCs alone once a week.
Damned if you, damned if you don’t.

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 21:11

Some parents don’t want to spend time with their children so it’s not surprising that grandparents may not want to spend time with their grandchildren

TheCrowFromBelow · 14/04/2019 21:14

only a baby boomer could do this
Only Gen Y and millennials will expect the previous generations to drop everything and attend to their whims

Closetlibrarian · 14/04/2019 21:14

I don't this it's a generational thing, I think it's an individual thing.

Some grandparents help out loads, some help out not at all. And everything in between.

(but fwiw I do get why you're a bit miffed. I would be too in your situation)

lborgia · 14/04/2019 21:23

I think your title is asking for a fight, but agree that it would be human to offer you some respite.

I have neighbours and vague acquaintances who have given me more support than my mother, and that's nothing to do with me making my own bed, choosing to have my babies etc bloody etc, it's to do with her not being arsed.

She forever speaks off how she wishes she could do more, would love to, but the reality is too boring.

I know that sweeping generalisations, but I think it is true that generations of mothers continued to support their children out of duty, as well as love, and the concept that your don't have to do something if you don't want to, well it has been incredibly liberating, but there are ripple effects that go with that.

damekindness · 14/04/2019 21:28

I work full time in a really stressful job and still do quite a bit of the heavy lifting in terms of DGS care (and DGS and DD live with me)

Because:

  1. I had no family help at all when mine were young and I worked and I can still remember the anxiety of trying to juggle it
  2. I feel guilty about being the generation that got the free education, easy mortgages etc
  3. I quite like them

However as I push 60 I find it all really tiring and there's times I really resent it ( but then I remember points 1-3 ) so I get why some grandparents are reticent to offer care

HelpIcantfindaname · 14/04/2019 21:39

My grandchildren range in age from 5 to 19 yrs. I work full time but regularly babysat, had them for sleepovers, even had some to live for a while (without their parents). I had another child 10 years ago. I still helped with grandchildren but not as much. I dont see my daughters as much as I used to lately either...so, apart from school holidays (I'm a teacher), it tends to be that they need to ask me if they need support. And sometimes now I do actually say no...I'm always so tired! My daughters dont work & I need to spend some of the school holidays on school work & resting!
But if they are stuck I do try & help. My 82yr old mam still occasionally helps me by having DD10 at hers so I can go to the doctor or similar.
I think OP needs to ask. Her mam can only say no. And she might just say yes.

Hannahmates · 14/04/2019 21:41

NoSauce, it seems obvious to us that she's struggling because she actually tells us she's struggling in the post. But her mother she may not be aware. I really don't get why people can't open their mouths and ask for help?? That's the number one thing they always say about relationships. You need to communicate your needs because people are not mind readers. We do not know what her relationship is like with her mother or how close they are. If she needs help she needs to ask for it but she says she doesn't want to. Doesn't make sense to sit there and suffer quietly and expect people to offer.

Amanduh · 14/04/2019 21:47

2 of you go to work and have one child and expect people to randomly offer to pick yoir child up from school and look after them etc?
Why?
It’s your job to look after your child.
If you are having a tough time, ask her! She isn’t psychic! I’d never even think of offering in that situation!

cranstonmanor · 14/04/2019 21:51

Don't expect anyone to help you, just pay for a babysitter and take a few hours off each week.

Accountant222 · 14/04/2019 22:01

I'm of a similar age and if asked I would help, but not just assume you needed help, not wanting to be one of those MILs that get slagged on here.

PeggySuehadababy · 14/04/2019 22:01

On MN there are plenty who posters who take great offense when their inlaws offer to babysit, so she probably doesn't want to imply you are not coping. And I know people who refuse family help.

Just ask her OP. And by the way, lots of baby boomers, including my inlaws are some of the most hard working people I know, who managed to look after their kids without any help somehow.

saraclara · 14/04/2019 22:06

BUT YOU'VE NOT ASKED HER!!!

I'm entirely bewildered by this OP. And the swipe at boomers is entirely uncalled for. Pretty much everyone I know who's a grandparent is having to do childcare for their grandkids. Much more so than previous generations because mothers are having to do paid work, and childcare is so expensive.
Past generations of grandparents stepped in ad hoc. Now my friends are scheduled in in complex rotas. They might do Mondays and Tuesdays all day, the other inlaws might do Wednesday, the child might go to paid childcare on Thursdays and Fridays. My friends who do this are knackered. they don't really have the energy to do weekly all day childcare for toddlers, but feel that they have to, to support their kids.
A lot, including me, have also needed/wanted to help their kids financially if they're able to, due to the cost of housing/student loans etc. Our parents didn't/didn't need to do that.

Saying baby boomers are selfish is an entirely unfair generalisation.

converseandjeans · 14/04/2019 22:16

Why do you need a break from your child? this is really judgemental! I think the OP is saying she would like her child to be picked up from school say one afternoon a week, and have the occasional day in the school hols. This is the type of help we have had while we work. It's a normal thing for GPs to offer to do to build up a relationship with their grandchildren.
No YANBU & it sounds like she will be the one to miss out.

Isadora2007 · 14/04/2019 22:23

I can't help think how nice it would be for her

Well clearly you think wrong? Just ask-but do not make it sound like a favour to her as you’ve done in your post. Make it clear you are asking for and would very much appreciate her help. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you spent time with your grandparents because your mum didn’t enjoy being a mum all the time- and is maybe glad she is no longer needing to do that slog. Entirely possible!!

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 23:10

This grandparent is clearly not offering and OP is reluctant to ask so clearly not a normal situation. I’m still baffled by parents needing a break and getting annoyed that people dont offer. Get on with it

Sweetlittlepug · 14/04/2019 23:58

I've got a few friends my age who long for grandchildren, I have six and I look on them as a blessing. I'd feel insulted if I didn't asked to mind them. But I suppose it all depends on the ops relationship with her parents. But personally I wouldn't be able to stand back and watch my daughter struggling. I'd step in and offer my services without being asked.

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 00:02

I dont nec disagree but what’s “struggling”

Swipe left for the next trending thread