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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my mum selfish for not helping

161 replies

Mumoflil1 · 14/04/2019 19:32

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 15/04/2019 20:00

Just ask. It may not have occurred to her that you are actually struggling as you probably on the surface seem to be coping.

So just ask

And if you say I’m really struggling, could you please do this thing for me for a month or so to help out. And she still says no then you can talk about selfishness

Susiesoop · 15/04/2019 20:01

Really surprised that we now see asking GPs for help as entitled etc. What happened to families looking out for each other and helping at different stages. How else do family bonds form? Not through polite arms length visits but being together. Partners DGM died last year and he was full of happy stories of going to her house, spending time with her and DGD and how much they did for him and his siblings. That closeness lasted both of them a lifetime. Was his DM entitled?!! I'm looking forward to 'helping' my child if he has his own because we're family- and I'd be happy to have a relationship with those related to me!

Erksum · 15/04/2019 21:26

Can you get a friend or babysitter to help?

Bluntness100 · 15/04/2019 21:32

Really Bluntness? The OP has no clue how her mother is feeling when her own dad is terminally ill?

Lol, read the thread, that was quoting another poster, not the op, 🤣🤣🤣

Crocodilesoup · 15/04/2019 21:43

Surely most mothers would want to help their daughters if they were able. But even leaving that aside, this is about spending time with her own grandchild. I’m not at that stage yet but have a few friends who have talked about how knocked for 6 they were by the love they felt for their grandchildren. Spending some time alone with them wouldn’t be a chore (taking over all childcare, would, I think be too much but OP isn’t talking about that).
In her 80s, very restricted mobility, my mother was still desperate to help me and to do what she could for her dgc. Some people are just selfish and the OP’s mum seems to fall into this category. (Though lets hope there’s an update where she’s delighted to finally be asked and all is well!)

Password12 · 16/04/2019 06:11

Yes, she is selfish.
My mum has no relationship with her gc, does nothing to help. But I also remember my gp helping out her a lot. In laws moved and had no help, so they just say we have to suck it up.
I'd help my kids out no worries, and if I have to do childcare again I'd gladly do it. I'd also live in a one bed flat, so I could help them financially if needs be.

Coyoacan · 16/04/2019 15:20

You know, a lot of people aren't cut out to be child-minders, in fact, it takes a special type of person.

When I was growing up, everyone was immigrating as soon as they were old enough and I assumed that a parent's responsabilities ended at the age of 18. But, according to mumsnet, it is not enough for a mother to look after their child for eighteen years, she is also required to look after the grandchildren. Because nobody ever complains about fathers in this regard.

tillytrotter1 · 16/04/2019 17:02

Being not sixty is not the dreadful, loathed by MN, Baby Boomer generation.

toomuchtooold · 17/04/2019 06:22

Because nobody ever complains about fathers in this regard

I think if you're talking the older generation of grandparents, like my in-laws who're nearly 80, FIL took so little to do with the kids when they were young that I wouldn't really trust him and I bet he's not the only man his age who did virtually no childcare. Also, there's the demographics, a lot more women than blokes live to see their grandkids.

Lowena · 17/04/2019 06:34

My parents and inlaws are in the 60 - 75 range (all in reasonable health) and do loads to help us with the children, including regular childcare whilst we work. So I don't think it's fair to say it is that generation.

I think she is very selfish yes (which she is entitled to be). But you reap what you sow. My children adore their grandparents and have a very close relationship with them because they spend a lot of time with them. My grandparents too were almost like secondary parents (albeit ones who spoiled me and didn't really tell me off!) because they used to look after us frequently and also made it clear we could we always go there and were always happy to see us. The relationship with my grandparents enriched my life greatly and I am so glad my children have that too.

Sorry you don't have more support

Langrish · 18/04/2019 20:48

Springwalk

I love the posts that say parents have 'done their time' etc, it makes spending time with children sound like a prison sentence or worse. I can't understand for the life of me why a grandparent wouldn't want to spend time with their grandchildren? Isn't the joy of being a granny all about seeing them.”

Add when it’s convenient and I might agree with you. After what will be 30+ years of hands on parenting - large age gap - when we wave our youngest off to university in a couple of years, my husband I and are very much looking forward to devoting some time to ourselves and each other. His health is compromised, I don’t know how much longer I’ll have him. We are still very much in love and want to make the most of what time we have together. That includes a long held plan to move to a place we love many miles away, when they’re all settled adults.
I love our children dearly, no doubt it will be a pleasure to have any grandchildren they produce for special days out, etc. and the odd emergency. I certainly won’t be volunteering our services for regular childminding or babysitting if it’s not convenient. They’re intelligent, capable people who ought to be perfectly able to plan their family life without relying on relatives for childcare.

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