Is my mum selfish for not helping

[Mumoflil1]

Hi all, just lamenting and wanted some thoughts.

So, I am currently pregnant with my second child and to say this pregnancy is 'tough' would be an understatement and I am currently relying on my dp to do most of the chores and errands atm. My partner and I both work full time and juggle childcare between ourselves, holiday and after school clubs and have done so for the last 6 and a bit years.
My mum isn't 60 yet, she is pretty healthy, she doesn't work, in fact she doesn't 'do' anything and recently, I can't help think how nice it would be for her to at least offer 'occasionally' to watch our 6yo 'dc' for just a few hours to give us a break or, even to do the odd school pick up and have him for just a couple of hours every now and then (the school is apprx 7 mins away from her house).

When I was young, my siblings and I were always at our lovely grandparents houses - school holidays, weekends, after school. We were never in paid childcare and had very strong relationships with grandparents. I don't expect free or regular childcare at all. Its just at this stage in the pregnanc, I could really do with the help but, I wouldn't dream of asking.
My DC's other grandparents don't get involved at all.. they have outright made clear that they don't 'do' kids. Is this a thing? AIBU to think that my own mum is pretty selfish? Or, is this just the way of that generation?

It just occurred to me that apart from the op not asking her mother, why isn't the mother coming round and wanting to take her grandchild on outings and treats etc.

Having your grandchild shouldn't be seen as a chore, but a pleasure. I suspect it's this lack of interest that might put the Op off asking. It's the fear of refusal/rejection.

From what I read on here I seriously wonder if this generation are capable of doing anything for themselves. All I read is whhaaa my parents won't give us a deposit for a house, or do childcare, or they've spent all our inheritance, and on and on and on.

Currently relying on DP to.do.most of the chores and errands

Well of course, that's what being in a relationship is all about, who else do you think should be doing it?

When do you grow up and become responsible for your own lives?

It’s a bit rubbish that the OP has to ask personally. Her mum can see that she’s struggling.

My DM is like this but only because she had an overbearing DM herself who would continuously interfere & step in / take over whenever she deemed my DM to be struggling (she wasn’t, it was just general tiredness or the busy life that comes with having children). While I know my DGM had good intentions, it made my DM feel judged & like a failure. DGM also took over to an extent where my DM still feels like she missed out on some parts of parenting, so much so, that she’s gone in the complete opposite direction & waits to be asked for help (but will always gladly help when asked) & leaves my sisters to it until then as she never wants them to feel the way she did.

This all came to light when my DS snapped at my mum for only helping when asked & for not offering, when she herself “relied” so heavily on DGM. Being children in the situation, we didn’t see the adult dynamics at play, we didn’t see an interfering DGM or someone who overstepped boundaries, instead we grew up thinking how great it was that DGM was always around, that my mum willing relied on her & how lucky my DM was to get all that “help”. It’s only now as adults & hearing my DM’s POV that we can see our perception wasn’t accurate.

I often read posts where people claim that their parents had loads of help from their parents when they were growing up yet offer no help to them, with their children & I always wonder if there’s more at play then just selfishness.

So many people who’ve experienced A,B,C with their parents swear they’re not going to repeat it or do the same with their DC but in their bid to do so, actually end up causing X,Y, Z instead.

I think half the posts on MN could be solved with proper communication because thread after thread, I see so upset, anger & bad feeling because people don’t communicate & instead make assumptions, generalizations or just plain expect others to be telepathic / psychic.

OP, if you need help, just ask. Go over to gransnet & look at the dozens of threads from grans who complain they’re not asked to help, feel left out, not included etc. The advice on there is to shut up & wait to be invited in or asked so as not to offend / appear judgmental.

Another one here saying that you should just ask her.

I think times are changing now. Families aren't as close as they used to be, older people are seeing their "golden days" as a time to be selfish and do all things they couldn't do when they had young kids, and are backing away from so much financial and time involvment with their grandchidren. Younger people who are having children are putting more distance between themselves and their parents and are placing more value in their own way of doing things, and are prepared to speak up and say no to their parents. Gone are the days where we let grandparents do things that we don't like just because they're old and it's their "way."

I'm not having a go at anyone here or saying it's a bad thing, and I know there are exceptions to this, but it's just an observation at how things have shifted a lot with this new generation of parents/grandparents. Just because your mum got lots of help from her parents doesn't mean that she will necessarily do the same for you - things are different now.

I think your mum is selfish . She is choosing not to take an interest in either supporting you or in her grandchild's life. She herself had family support from her parents so she knows how it could be.
I think you have to ask OP and hopefully time spent with DGC will show her how rewarding a relationship it could be. Maybe start with something one off and fun.
My own parents were spectacularly disinterested. I try to be really supportive of my DC and hopefully any DGC in the future.

Im 52 but not in the baby boomer generation. I was born in 1967. Birth rate was not ‘booming’ at that stage. Baby boomers have now retired. I unfortunately have not!
Anyway, just ask her you daft clot. Perhaps she doesn’t want to step on your toes and interfere.

The people who are saying "just ask her" have the sort of parents who are happy to help where they can and will answer the question honestly and without a sense that they're obliged to say yes. Not everybody is like that. Some people will feel obliged to say yes and be angry at being "put on the spot" and then do you the favour, but reluctantly and with bad feeling. My mum was like that. She apparently wanted to help, but you had to anticipate what she was prepared to help with (not much) and only ask for that. She could make it abundantly clear, without saying anything, that your request for help would not be welcome.

My PILs are like this. DH was with his GPs every weekend with regular overnights while PILs had couple time. With our DCs they have never had them alone for more than an hour and make excuses for why they can't help more if asked.

My DPs also had support from GPs and extended family but they offer the same to us and have been really helpful whenever we've asked.

So let's not say it's generational but definitely there seem to be a fair number of GPs who don't pass the help they received on to their DCs.

You can't moan if you haven't asked.

Ask her - I asked my parents to look after my baby when I went back to work - they said yes but if they’d said no I would’ve just got paid childcare

If you don’t feel able to ask your mother to help you then you don’t have a good relationship with her. If you don’t have a good relationship with her, why would you expect her to look after your child, let alone offer? That is what happens in supportive, loving relationships, not awkward ones.

Just to add, I believe grandparents can be loving and caring without doing any childcare or babysitting duties. For some people it is too much on anything other than a very occasional basis (either physically or mentally), despite the fact their children may judge the situation differently.

in fact she doesn't 'do' anything

Nasty! You mean, she doesn't run around after your kids. Why should she? She might just like being a grandparent and not unpaid childcare which is what you're really after, isn't it.

I am a similar age to your DM, I have no gc and I am envious of all my friends who do as I would love to spend time looking after gc. I work part time. Ask your mother, if she says no then she is being selfish but she needs to be asked. Accusing a whole generation of something based on your experience with your dm is unreasonable.

One could easily turn the generation bashing around, and take from these threads that the generation that have young children now, hasn't really grown up, and still expects their parents to do everything for them.

I certainly didn't have, or expect childcare from my parents, (though my MIL used to love it when I was offered bits of work here and there and she could come down and spoil my kids!) I certainly didn't expect it though.

One could easily turn the generation bashing around, and take from these threads that the generation that have young children now, hasn't really grown up, and still expects their parents to do everything for them.

OP clearly said she spent a lot of time with her GPs who watched her as a favour to her own parents, therefore she's not just upset about her DM not helping her but she's also seeing her DCs don't get the closeness that she personally experienced.

Just to add, I believe grandparents can be loving and caring without doing any childcare or babysitting duties. For some people it is too much on anything other than a very occasional basis (either physically or mentally)

How can there even be a relationship if GP spend zero time with their GC?
How can the GP be loving and caring if they are entirely missing in action. It is totally impossible.

Sending the odd package is not the same as loving, holding, cuddling and playing with a small grandchild. A loving bond develops with time spent in each other's company. It is impossible for this to develop in any other way. You can pretend that face timing a child for ten minutes is the same, but it certainly isn't. There is no real connection.

Unless the GP is seriously ill (mentally or physically) and op's mother is in rude health so that does not apply to her, then there is no reason whatsoever why that GP should not spend time with their GC.

Unless they choose not to.

That is fine, but they can't then falsely claim they a 'loving and close' relationship with their gc, when it is likely to be anything but!!

Maybe you shouldn't be having another child if you are struggling so much with the first
If I couldn’t read I’d be careful of how much I judged others. It’s not that she’s struggling so much with the first, she’s having a difficult pregnancy. She’s struggling with shopping, cooking, laundry, doing anything, including parenting. It’s a temporary thing and does not mean she can’t parent multiple children once recovered. I do. Unlike being a judgey fucker, that one is probably permanent.
But the op should BLOODY ASK, Like nearly all pps have said.

I think she is selfish yes.

I have two DC and my life plan includes being around in my 50s/60s to help them. My children are my children forever and if I see them struggle with anything I'll help them regardless of their age. I also want to be involved in any DGC lives.

I do not think she's being selfish. Looking after small children is exhausting, and it gets MORE exhausting as a person gets older. Not every grandparent has the energy for it and parents should not have the expectation that grandparents will be able to do this!

OP i'm sorry you're struggling, it sounds awful. Please do ask your mother to help, she is likely not wanting to step on your toes. And don't feel guilty that DP is doing everything right now, that's just how it is for second pregnancies and early days second baby.

I understand OP, if you generally have a good relationship with your mum and she's aware that you are struggling then you would hope that you shouldn't have to state the obvious.

If you didn't need it then you could politely decline if she were to ask you, the same as she could decline if you asked her so I don't think the onus should be on you necessarily.

I keep out of other ppl's business but if I knew someone was struggling then I would ask if I could help. That's the least you'd expect from your own parent(s). And I don't think having that expectation, a bit of help here and there, makes you entitled.

I wouldn't generalise about the boomer generation as I know some very involved DGP's but my mum is a boomer and she does have very set ideas about things that make her come across as quite unforgiving, a "well I did alright and so should you be" attitude.

My husband and I both work incredibly hard, we have a child with additional needs and very challenging behaviour and then 7 years later we were blessed with another child that we had been told we would never have. This pregnancy was difficult but we had just relocated and committed to a fairly difficult renovation - we had a house to make habitable for us and the kids so I had no choice but to get on with the work. My mum would say "oh you shouldn't be doing that" but I'd say "well I need to mum or we won't get this finished". But then if a round of tea was required she wouldn't have done it, instead I'd have to be getting up and down ladders feeding and watering everyone as well.

Sometimes though it better to just silently curse the thoughtless or apparent selfish behaviour.

I've made it very clear though that she isn't living with me when the time comes and she best get some future care plan sorted. We've actually had this conversation in a very jokey hahaha kinda way, but I'm not joking

Springwalk
How can there even be a relationship if GP spend zero time with their GC?
How can the GP be loving and caring if they are entirely missing in action. It is totally impossible

Who said anything about zero time? Not me! I referred to sole care. Grandparents can spend time with their grandchildren in the presence of the children’s parents. In fact here on Mumsnet there are often comments that some grandparents are ‘obsessed’ with looking after the GC without the parents, usually younger babies. The truth is, some parents expect grandparents to do exactly what they want, when they want. If grandparents aren’t providing the services they think they should be (childcare, financial assistance) they are viewed as not being worthwhile.

I now have teenagers. When my children were younger I asked my parents if they’d like to spend some time with my children. Just pottering at home in the garden, or playing games, baking etc I only asked them to babysit about twice a year. They were always so reluctant that I stopped asking by the time my kids were 6 and 8. I actually said that I was quite sad that they didn’t have a close bond with their grandchildren at this time. I didn’t work much but I paid for childcare and I paid for them both to go to nursery 1 morning a week so that so could exercise or get my haircut etc (my husband worked away a lot) Move on nearly ten years, my eldest is driving. My mum now texts him asking him to go round and visit. He has no wish to. He has a much closer bond to elderly people in our village who spent time with him as a child (although my parents only live a couple of miles away). Our lives moved on without input or interest from them and now, as predicted, there is no bond there.

It also depends where you live. Until my ds was 5, his gps lived a 3.5 hour drive away, so their involvement was either during the holidays, or if we drove up for a weekend.

Could be she's enjoying her life as it is.

Try talking to her, she may feel that you don't want any help.

My mum wanted so badly to look after my sisters 2 children but they were given to auntie (mums sister) for whatever reason. Mum then took the view she wasn't wanted so never offered again, she was very upset.

Unfortunately, she passed away before I had my child.

Yes it would be nice if she offered. But unless you actually ask ....

However, if your general approach to the world is represented by your post, OP then I can see why she doesn’t offer.

You sound rather spoilt and passive-aggressive.

And as for your “that generation” comment: just nasty.

You made the choice to have children. Your mother has already done her child-rearing. And I notice you don’t require your father to do anything nor call him selfish.