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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

234 replies

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:40

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

OP posts:
Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 13:51

I know you can't care if you're dead but really! Surely, you care now whilst you're still here to do something about it.

Pitapotamus · 15/04/2019 13:59

I expect he had to marry her so that everything he left (to her) would benefit from the spouse exemption from inheritance tax on his death. He probably left it on life interest trusts such that she can remain in the house and take any income from any income generating assets etc but cannot spend the capital. Then on her death (I.e. when her life interest ends) the trust fund passes to you outright.

I’m a solicitor and that’s what I’d have suggested in these circumstances... might be worth looking at the will to check.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 14:10

I’m happy as it is, to do anything else would imply I don’t trust him and I wouldn’t dream of doing that. At the end of the day, it’s money and my son would know from my will - for which he’s an executor - what my intentions were.

WhiteCat1704 · 15/04/2019 14:24

I don't get why a spouse wouldn't leave their property to the remaining spouse.

A middle aged daughter with children of her own should focus on earning her own money to do whatever she wants with.

Mommaof2x · 15/04/2019 14:32

I think you should tell him you are upset and seeing as you hardly see her anymore you have no reason to trust her and dealing with the life you have you are putting yourself first and demanding it gets changed. And you will pay for the legal fees if you have to...

myrtleWilson · 15/04/2019 14:35

gregory mentioned upthread "will and trust" (apologies if others have mentioned it too). I know someone who did this scenario - long term relationship both with separate children. Got married for tax purposes. He signed his pension over to his wife on his death (pension is treated outside of the will). All other assets as set out in the will went to his wife for a 'nanosecond' and then into a trust - and his wishes for the distribution of funds of the trust were set out in an accompanying document to his will. All parties to the above arrangement were aware and happy.
Could that be possible in your scenario OP?

myrtleWilson · 15/04/2019 14:36

just to clarify in my post above the trust recipients were deceased children not his wife. But they all (children and wife) received some of his assets/estate.

bengalcat · 15/04/2019 14:43

My understanding is that when you marry any will you currently have is revoked ie cancelled - that means you have to make a new one

lyralalala · 15/04/2019 14:50

My understanding is that when you marry any will you currently have is revoked ie cancelled - that means you have to make a new one

Unless it's specifically stated in your will that it's written in contemplation of marriage.

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 14:51

I’m happy as it is, to do anything else would imply I don’t trust him

It's nothing to do with trust. If, after your death, he remarried his new wife and family could inherit. Is that what you want?

RomanyQueen1 · 15/04/2019 14:52

Once your df dies she can do what she wants with the money, his will has gone because he is no more.
I think you need to speak to him, but surely the solicitor would have told him this.
Looks like your going to lose out my love, what an awful situation.
It's the same for my dh, he'll get nothing. Hid df thought his wife would help dh out financially and he's be in her will, but he isn't holding his breath. [sd]

MargoLovebutter · 15/04/2019 14:53

Friends of mine had something like this. They are two sisters I've known since childhood. Their mum died when they were in their early twenties and as a result they were both very close with their Dad. After being a widower for about 30 years, he remarried to a woman he met when he was 70. She was really controlling and having been really close to their Dad for all their lives, my friends found themselves being excluded from family events and being told their father was 'too tired' to see them and shit like that.

Two years later he drops dead of a heart attack and they discovered that the new wife had made him change his will to leave everything to her. The widow now lives in the lap of luxury off and they got nothing. She will be leaving them nothing when she dies either, it will all go to her own children.

They were heartbroken. There were possessions that had significance to them because of their Mum and Dad and the new wife sold the whole lot and there wasn't a thing they could do about it.

Please talk to your Dad OP. You might need to be diplomatic, but maybe illustrate the conversation with one or two stories off this thread and say that you wouldn't want that to happen to you, despite his best intentions. Tell him it would give you real comfort to know that his wishes were legally enforceable and ensure there were no misunderstandings.

KooMoo · 15/04/2019 15:08

She might die first .... just a thought. Nrtft.

canadianbanana · 15/04/2019 15:08

First of all, I would advise you to seek actual legal advice. It all sounds very odd, particularly keeping the marriage a secret. That raises a red flag to me. They are adults and can do whatever they wish with their money, but, if he’s been unduly influenced to sign over everything to her, there may be legal options for you. As others have said, if all his estate passes to her, she is under no legal obligation to follow his wishes. At the end of the day, if they are of sound mind, they can leave their entire estate to someone to mind their cat, if they so choose.

bengalcat · 15/04/2019 15:20

My understanding is that when you marry any will you currently have is revoked ie cancelled - that means you have to make a new one

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 15:39

@Hazelnutpie, what part of “I don’t care” are you having trouble understanding?

TeacupDrama · 15/04/2019 18:50

@bengalcat generally this is true if the will is dated years before the marriage but if made in the weeks /months leading up to the marriage and if your will states I have made this will with marriage in mind it is not revoked on marriage
otherwise if someone died after the wedding but before a new will signed they are effectively intestate

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 18:51

@Alsohuman

All of it.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 19:23

If I were you I really wouldn’t admit to not understanding a three word sentence.

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 19:24

I just can't understand why you wouldn't make provision for your children.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 19:31

I have. Are you having trouble reading as well as comprehending?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/04/2019 19:47

It's his money and they've been together over a decade, of course he would want his estate to pass to her and he trusts her to ensure you are looked after when she passes (if it's that way round). You don't, but it's not your decision to make. If they'd been together six months and she was fifty years younger I'd think you might have a point.

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 19:49

@Alsohuman

You haven't you've left it to chance. Your DH could remarry or just change his mind and you have no control over that.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 19:52

I know. And I’ll dead so I won’t give a toss. We’re going round in circles so we’ll just leave it there, shall we?

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 19:57

I know you'll be dead but you're alive now and able to make provision. I'm sorry, I just don't understand. Sorry and yes we'll leave it there.