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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hurt because my 75 year old dad married in secret and has signed his entire will over to his new wife.

234 replies

Easyroad · 14/04/2019 16:40

My dad is 75 and i am 46. I’m an only child and parents have been separated since i was 18. Dad has been through 3 serious relationships since then plus various dalliances. His current has been going for 12 years and is 73. She moved in about 10 years ago - sharing his house where I grew up and renting out her own house miles away.

in the early days of their relationship I was very very happy he had found her and she was kind and attentive and lovely to be around - and very kind to my two small children. She has no children of her own but has treated her two adult nephews as sons - giving them much love and financial support.

In past 3 years she has grown remote and it has felt almost as if a switch has flipped and our links with her have stopped. this has made life hard - my kids love her and my dad is reluctant to do things without her so we see him less and less despite him being only a mile away. They do see her adult nephews a lot more - neither have kids.

I was always very close to my dad - he is lovely but also quite child-like and always very consumed by his relationships and I have often felt out in the cold until relationships have ended and then our closeness has tended to return.

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will - his existing one left everything to me - but I was conscious of his partner’s security - living in his house and being vulnerable. I was trying to do the right thing for her. They did seek advice from a solicitor. Now I'm regretting it!!!

Today my dad asked to meet with me in a cafe and told me 1) they married in secret - they did this to enable him to pass on my inheritance to me without being stung by tax (?but you'll see in a moment this doesn't seem to make any sense - it does benefit her however I think?). They say didn’t want to marry it was just for tax reasons and that i must keep this a secret from everyone - especially my two kids (who would be delighted). 2) they have decided to leave everything i.e. his estate to her - he will have two wills - the second will say she must pass his estate to me when she passes away.

I am confused and unaware of the legal reality of any of this - but my initial feelings are to be hurt. I feel alone with the knowledge that they married as I can’t tell anyone. I am in a spin about the new status of their relationship. I feel left out and sad that I couldn’t be part of this. And I am facing the truth (one I wasn’t aware of till now) which is that I don’t really trust his new wife to respect his intentions regarding his will. Finally I am afraid of what will happen after he dies - will it fall to me to liaise with her about the will? What if she has to release all the equity in order to fund her own care? Her own house will be left to her nephews - will she sell this before she dips into my Father’s estate? Euch.

Is this a mess or am I being a bit of a baby? I know I need to get over this and take a more thoughtful view but for now I cant I feel so upset. AIBU???

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 14/04/2019 21:53

I think part of the justifiable frustration in threads like this is when a parent makes clear what they want to happen to their estate but then they make a will that leads to an outcome that goes against this. They create a mess because they want to avoid having uncomfortable conversations.

This x 100.
I NEVER understand the logic but so many people seem to do it.

Fstar · 14/04/2019 22:04

Sounds a bit strange, i doubt he will have 2 wills. Its sounds like his will is going to pass his estate to her but in trust, while she remqins alive. Then when she passes his estate will be released to you. Im not a solicitor but thats what im picking up on.

Would it not be more beneficial to put you as a trustee of his estate with an allowance for her to stay in the,property until she passes? I would be questioning who he took advice from tbh

Alsohuman · 14/04/2019 22:06

It sounds as if there wasn’t a wedding. They nipped off and signed the register for tax purposes - just as posters here who are vehemently anti marriage are advised to do.

Motoko · 14/04/2019 22:09

It doesn't matter how much you trust your spouse, if you want something to go to your children, you must put it in the will. So many people lose out on inheritance that they were always promised, but then their other parent meets someone else, gets married again, and leaves everything to the new spouse.

There's a forum on MSE for wills and inheritance issues, and this problem popped up almost every week on there. It must happen to thousands of people.

Hecateh · 14/04/2019 22:36

My parents were married to the end.

If each left the full estate to the other, then at the death of the second partner, there are tax implications if it is above a specific amount.

So, each person's will left 50% to the other and the rest to be in trust until the death of the second partner. Meaning that anything needed by the partner was available to them but it isn't theirs to dispose of as they will and is not available to be willed to anyone else. This meant to my family:- on the death of the second parent, whatever was left to us came half from one parent and half from the other thus reducing/removing inheritance tax.
This, or something similar could be the case here.
I am not pretending to understand it all but it could be a positive thing for you.

It could be that - the total of what your father leaves would be subject to inheritance tax but if he leaves half to her (tax free as spouse) and the rest in trust (for her benefit if needed but otherwise to you,) then there is no inheritance tax due.

When she dies you then receive the money that was in trust free of tax and the rest of your inheritance also free of tax but from her estate.

However, whatever she agrees with your dad, she can change who inherits this her half of the inheritance. If they are genuinely a happy couple I doubt she would do this fully but she may decide to divert more to her nephews than your father would have liked. Regardless - if they have been a couple for a long time (rather than someone marrying your dad on his deathbed) then she is entitled to do whatever she wants with her share

lyralalala · 14/04/2019 22:47

Op when did you bring up the subject with your dad? Was that around the time the relationship cooled?

Could your stepmother have got the wrong end of the stick and thought you were implying your dad needed to protect his estate from her, rather than the other way round?

malificent7 · 14/04/2019 22:55

Time and time again women are told to prioritise their children over romantic partners on here. Quite right too.
Seems to be this dosn't apply to men though.
I have made a will. Dd will get everything .Ive since met a dp whp i dearly love and i have also inherited money but dd will still get all my money. She is blood and my dp will inherit from his mum. Family first ( unless you are on mn and then you should not expect anything from your parents past 18.).

I think my dad will leave everything to his dp...lets say i wouldnt put it past him...if he does it will be his loss not mine..it will affect how he is remembered by his own kids.

Personally i hope he spends it all on holidays to India etc so there is no ugly squabble!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/04/2019 23:03

*Dad declared her intestate

How? if a valid will was written then surely that would have been followed.*

The only copy of the will was kept in their safe at home. Dad destroyed it. House was sold for £600k.

GnomeDePlume · 15/04/2019 04:57

Beneficiaries dont always act selfishly in the face of an unfair will.

I know of a situation where an unfair clause in a will disinherited one sibling. The sibling who benefited takes the inheritance then neatly divides it in two and gives half to the disinherited sibling.

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 07:49

The only copy of the will was kept in their safe at home. Dad destroyed it. House was sold for £600k

That’s a lesson to us all! Spread copies of your will around, including asking your solicitor to keep a copy.

Missingstreetlife · 15/04/2019 09:01

Did he/they get legal advise and properly drawn up wills. If so a copy will be with solicitor who should have established their wishes.
If not they should get advice, together if they agree or seperate if not.
Doesn't sound like he knows what he's doing

headinhands · 15/04/2019 09:20

I couldn't imagine starting a conversation with my dad about his will? And chances are any assets will fund elderly care.

HappySonHappyMum · 15/04/2019 09:29

Are you me OP? My Dad also married his wife - my Mums ex-best friend who he was having an affair with - in secret (he has never told me he has married, a distant family member let it slip), he is leaving everything to her in his will and SHE sent me the codicil he had added to his will so I can't challenge it when he dies. I have had to accept that he doesn't love me anymore. As horrible as this sounds - I hope she dies first.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/04/2019 09:32

hes an idiot, and im not surprised youre hurt. Flowers

ChiaraRimini · 15/04/2019 10:00

OP can you ask your dad for copies of the two wills he says he has made. You then may be able to get a solicitor to interpret them for you.
As pp said you cannot have 2 wills so it seems your dad has misunderstood something.
It could all go in care home fees of course. But I disagree with those saying his partner should automatically inherit everything-it is just not that simple when people are on second relationships and have DC unrelated to their spouse, as many other PP have pointed out.

Motoko · 15/04/2019 10:08

I couldn't imagine starting a conversation with my dad about his will?

Well, it's sensible to have conversations with your parents about their death, as hard and awkward as it is. You could start off asking if they've got a funeral plan, and any specific wishes they might have. During the conversation, you can ask if they have a will, and which solicitor has a copy, etc.

You don't have to ask them specifically, what's in the will, but many parents will volunteer the information, and if they say they don't have one, you can encourage them to arrange one, along with Powers of Attorney, in case you have to take over looking after their finances while alive, due to dementia, or a stroke, for instance.

My mum died recently, and we'd spoken about it a few times, so I knew that she had paid for a direct cremation, and she didn't have a will, because she didn't have many assets, her car was the only valuable asset, no house, because she was renting.

MaybeDoctor · 15/04/2019 10:44

Flowers. It really does seem to be true that no good deed goes unpunished...

This very nearly happened in my own family, but the couple in question broke up - funnily enough, as soon as she came into some money of her own via her divorce, she was off! Hmm

I think that you can ask your father to clarify the situation, but be aware that even asking these questions might cause offence.

Just out of interest, what happened to your mum's side of the family assets? It might be that your father's wife feels that you are already provided for in that respect.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2019 13:09

headin in this case OP's DF brought up the subject of wills. But in any case it is a good idea to chat with parents about things like that, even if it just to get a heads up where the copy of the will may be found. It's usually helpful to know who the executors/solicitors are.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 13:15

If our kids raised the issue of our wills, they might find the response as offensive as we’d find the question. It’s a second marriage for both of us, he has three kids, I have one. We have mirror wills, everything goes to the other, to minimise IHT, the second to die leaves everything split four ways. After 21 years it would be bonkers to do anything else. I trust my husband and his kids not to rip mine off.

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 13:32

the second to die leaves everything split four ways. After 21 years it would be bonkers to do anything else. I trust my husband and his kids not to rip mine off

But what if you die and your DH remarries? That in itself would invalidate the will and anyway, he could just change it if he felt like it.

headinhands · 15/04/2019 13:38

1 year ago I told him he needed to find legal help to sort out a will

I read it as op brought it up. Could be wrong.

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 13:43

I’ll be dead. I don’t think I’d care. Not that I can see it happening. Hey no sex God!

Alsohuman · 15/04/2019 13:44

He’s, even!

Hazlenutpie · 15/04/2019 13:49

I'd care if my money went to someone else's family and my children were left feeling upset.

IceRebel · 15/04/2019 13:50

I’ll be dead. I don’t think I’d care.

You don't care that your children could be written out of a will and left with nothing?