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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be completely confused by separate finances??

306 replies

Oohgossip · 14/04/2019 13:51

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/04/2019 20:50

Long that’s an interesting point, when DH & I met we were both financially ‘independent’ in that we each owned our own home (mortgaged), had savings & investments, pensions etc and a fairly similar income. We do have very similar attitudes to money which helped & we were happy to pool everything. We are now at the age where we have had one or two inheritances and again, everything is shared, it doesn’t matter which ‘side’ of our family the inheritance comes from.

I fully appreciate that for a second marriage where there are children it absolutely makes sense to have separate finances.

fancynancyclancy · 14/04/2019 20:51

I’m actually quite surprised that so many posters think not having a joint bank account for all money means that the DW is somehow not allowed access to money or on a restricted budget.

My friends all have a very similar set up to what I described (30s). We all work (albeit part time) so we would never need to ask for money for a coffee. DH has my online bank account details/log ins & I have his so access is not a problem.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 14/04/2019 20:52

We have joint finances but we can’t have joint ISAs so some savings will always be separate and no one can be left penniless by the other cleaning the accounts out. Wink

On a serious note, joint finances only really work if you have similar attitudes to money. There’s a lot of people who have been burnt by exes too.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 14/04/2019 20:57

All the bad examples of split finances just show that the finances are a symptom of a shit/toxic/abusive marriage rather than the cause. It can work perfectly well when the people involved are decent,sensible and respectful of each other.
Just like a joint bank account can be a disaster if there's only one person controlling it,spending all the money or racking up debts.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2019 21:00

We don't have a joint account. Never needed one because there's more coming in than going out. So, dh pays for everything, and puts an amount (decided on by me, more than I need) by DD monthly straight in to my account. So, even if setting up a joint account takes ten mins (dunno, never looked in to it) it's ten mins we don't need to do.

MsTSwift · 14/04/2019 21:23

I just hope people realise that in getting married you are potentially giving the other spouse significant rights over your assets even if you are “separate”. The poster that has left her dh out of her will I hope you were advised he has rights to challenge that and he would in all likelihood succeed? You can’t get divorced after a long marriage and merrily decide what is yours. The only way to properly protect your assets is to not get married

Micah · 14/04/2019 21:52

. The only way to properly protect your assets is to not get married

Yet without fail women are told they need to get married before having children to “protect themselves”. On here all the time. The assumption is always that the man has the greater financial input and therefore marriage is needed.

Not once does it occur to people that a woman with her own assets and earning potential will lose out on marriage.

I was pressured into marriage by family and others who all trotted out the “you need to be married to protect yourself”. Nope, it weakens my financial status hugely as dh is now entitled to 50% of my inherited house.

Dh isn’t in my will either and again even the lawyer who drew up the will didn’t point out the risks.

However by keeping finances separate what he can’t do is empty all my accounts and piss off. And there is no arguing against that as each partner has equal access to a joint account and it is perfectly legal for one party to withdraw everything.

Safiya5 · 14/04/2019 22:04

It does sound as if most people with separate finances have been burned before in previous relationships or are wary for some other reason. I think this is understandable. I can imagine wanting to protect your children’s inheritances, for instance, if you met a new husband later in life.

cricketballs3 · 14/04/2019 22:04

"I thought women not leaving their parents home until marriage went out a couple of centuries ago?"

25 years ago went from DP's to our first home together with joint finances from the second we moved in together

Whitechocandraspberry · 14/04/2019 22:05

Me and my husband have been together since we were 16. Never had a joint bank account

Fstar · 14/04/2019 22:09

If we had joint bank account it would be empty the week after payday and we would starve for 3 weeks, not everyone is good with money. In my relationship i deal with all finances and he transfers money to me.

He tends to buy the biggest load of shite he sees.

FrangipaniBlue · 14/04/2019 22:16

Why do people assume that if couples have separate finances that having joint finance must be "an issue" or that one person is bad with money, or that people have to ask each other's permission to spend money??!!

We have separate finances and none of the above applies!

It's not so much a conscious choice as much as it's something we've never seen the need for......

Mortgage and food shop comes out of DH account, all the direct debits for bills plus day to day school expenses come out of mine.

Never in 20 years have either of us had to ask the other for money or permission to spend anything. Both of us know what's in each other's accounts and we know each other's internet banking log in details.

No secrets no drama - why is that so incomprehensible to people?

FrangipaniBlue · 14/04/2019 22:22

Also the assumption that if there are kids then one parent absolutely must earn less because they will be a SAHP or work part time ...... um, nope!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 14/04/2019 22:45

I earn a sixth of what DH earns! I am a non taxpayer, he is a higher rate taxpayer. I spend way more than he does! He hates spending money on himself but spending on me or the DCs he loves.

Back when we didn’t have much he kept a tight rein on our spending... as a result we are mortgage free and I can buy almost whatever I want...joint finances and a shared credit card since we were 18 and 19.

SrSteveOskowski · 14/04/2019 22:48

This again. Personally I don't understand the whole "Oh we put everything in one pot" and if there's one thing that REALLY annoys me it's the phrase that is parroted on here all too often. "All money is family money" Hmm

RottnestFerry · 14/04/2019 22:49

We have separate finances. Not sure how it works as I've never given it any thought. I pay the mortgage and various other home related bills plus household and vehicle maintenance. I owned the house before we were married. My wife pays for food and petrol. Other bills tend to get paid by whoever opens them.

If one of us has a bad month, we just move money around between us. I needed a new car, my wife paid for it as she had more readily available spare cash than I did. She ordered a new phone. I picked up and paid for it. Meals out, I generally use my credit card. We have about three takeaways a year. She pays for those, although she might get the cash out of my wallet. I don't know... or care.

There is no plan or spreadsheets with complex algorithms to make it 'fair' for both of us. There really is no need.

RottnestFerry · 14/04/2019 22:54

and if there's one thing that REALLY annoys me it's the phrase that is parroted on here all too often. "All money is family money" hmm

Ah yes, I forgot to add that we regard all money as family money. Grin

Livelovebehappy · 14/04/2019 23:02

Separate accounts here. We just split everything 50/50 with bills, holidays etc. Whatever I have left over is mine to spend how I wish. If I want to go on a shopping spree I can do so with no guilt of dipping into a joint pot. After all I guess a lot of people with joint accounts, whilst saying they can spend money how they please, the reality is you would still want to run it by your OH first. Also, how many times do we see on MN when a couple split that one of them clears out the joint account. It gives me peace of mind and financial stability to know that my money and account are safe and secure.

Stefoscope · 14/04/2019 23:31

We've always had separate accounts and we're both savers rather than spenders. Never had an argument about money either. Both of us live well within our means, so one person having more disposable income than the other just isn't an issue.

Original poster
Oohgossip · 14/04/2019 23:54

Interesting that a couple of people called me ‘privileged’ yet a great part of the argument for separate finances is to avoid having the current account ‘cleaned out’ by your partner in the event of a breakup....
Implying there’s a significant amount in a current account, which seems quite privileged to me!

OP posts:
LittleGreenLights · 15/04/2019 01:36

We just split everything 50/50 with bills, holidays etc. Whatever I have left over is mine to spend how I wish.

This only works if both the husband and wife earn exactly the same amount of money.

Turquoisetamborine · 15/04/2019 02:32

We both pay a few bills each as we get paid different times of the month to each other and my H’s pay goes up and down depending on commission. His wage can vary up to £600 so it’s easier this way.
Then once the bills are paid we both have the same amount of spending money and I put some money in the savings.

It means we can both spend our personal money on what we want without getting peed off with the other for wasting it.

Megan2018 · 15/04/2019 02:43

DH was bankrupt. We can’t have joint finances of any type.
We still manage finances jointly though-its quite simple. We pay a set amount into a dedicated bill account out of which all joint expenses are paid. It is just all in my name. We also have a shared savings account.
What we have left is ours to spend.
My horse costs a bloody fortune but I pay for her myself as why would DH want to pay half of her costs? I had her well before I met him and she is most definitely not a joint expense.

OneTitWonder · 15/04/2019 02:52

I'm the same as you OP, I just don't understand how separate finances work when there are children involved. I really can't imagine divvying up the phone bill like I used to when I was in a share house 20 years ago.

Also, I earn twice as much as my DH. If our money wasn't in one pot then we'd pretty much never be able to go on holidays or renovate our house or even go out to dinner because he'd not have the disposable income to do any of those things. So in our case, not having joint finances would have a massive impact on our lifestyle.

PBobs · 15/04/2019 03:28

We don't have joint accounts. We had one once years ago when we lived in the UK but I don't even remember what we used it for. We have separate savings and current accounts. We don't have any shared bills so no sharing of direct debits etc. We just take it in turns to pay for stuff and each of us pays for various bits and pieces as and when needed. Personally I don't see the need for a shared account - but if we had a shared rent or mortgage I could see the point then for sure. I think we just both have the same approach to money so it works fine this way. Our savings are all shared - they all go into a spreadsheet to keep track of it as we are saving for a big spend in the not too distant future. We both own a property each so monies from them go into separate accounts to be saved and used for maintenance etc. We're due our first child soon so I think we may end up with a shared account then as I won't be earning for a year so I guess we will probably end up with a shared account of my DH's salary so I have some money on hand without having to use the savings.