To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

Separate current accounts here, a joint family fund. I earn more so pay more for for bills and work travel (I commute by train). We give ourselves a personal allowance and pool the rest for everything other than personal hobbies etc. We have two DC. It's not difficult. I value having some independence, we're happily married but are separate entities.

“ if I want to spend money on Beauty treatments, clothes, weekends away with friends, meals out then I will and nobody but me needs to know what I chose to spend it on”

Again, why should you feel guilty though? If you deem it an appropriate expense, then it is and he should trust you. Why should you need to hide it?

As a PP said, so long as you are in a mutually respectful relationship it probably doesn’t matter whether you have shared finances or not; but what concerns me is (& you read it very frequently on Mumsnet ) is when the balance of power seems to be held by the man who becomes financially abusive towards his wife, perhaps when she is a SAHM with no income and has to rely on ‘housekeeping’ or cash handouts. Women become isolated because they have no access to money, can’t even escape if they want to.

For the posters who say they like to be ‘independent’ and hate to ‘ask’ for permission to spend from the joint acccount, surely that also comes down to your relationship? We share an account but we can both see the balance and I wouldn’t dream of asking my DH ‘permission’ to spend on a holiday, lunch out, new handbag or whatever I wanted. Similarly my DH doesn’t ‘ask’ me if he can use funds to go on a golf weekend. But again, I guess it depends on your relationship, sharing the same approach to financial matters and how much ‘spare’ cash you have after all living expenses are paid.

Also, I earn twice as much as my DH. If our money wasn't in one pot then we'd pretty much never be able to go on holidays or renovate our house or even go out to dinner because he'd not have the disposable income to do any of those things

I've read this several times in case I'd misunderstood, because it makes no sense. We've managed to buy and sell homes, renovate, have holidays, deal with inheritances from parents, and support children and step children, all without needing a joint account.

The inference that maintaining separate account somehow makes you less of a couple is baffling. The idea that there's no point being married if you aren't going to have joint accounts is beyond baffling.

Everything coming in goes into one account which pays all the bills and shopping and then we take a couple of hundred each for spending money each month.

We have a joint account and a joint credit card which we use for 90% of spending, and sole accounts and credit cards. DH is better at saving than me. He gets to sort out the savings, mortgage and more constant bills like electricity and gas. Right now we have a painter and he will pay for that. I pay the bottomless pit of the joint credit card, mobile phones, etc. I arrange holidays and other fun. Sometimes I need him to bail me out.... It works for us. I consider our money to be joint but responsibility usefully separated along our relative strengths of spending and arranging (me) and saving (him). It does mean that occasionally we can still treat each other which I really love. To be honest I think these things can be overthought - provided both of you are generous with the other, where's the issue?

I think both extremes of completely shared /only one account and completely separate / both pay half of everything like flat mates - wouldn't work for us, or most couples for that matter.

In real life, most people seem to have the 3 accounts approach, joint for bills, separate accounts for personal spending. Where the money goes in, what the joint account covers, how they balance what goes in the joint fund etc varies, as does if both have access to all accounts or not.

The completely joint accounts do seem to cause arguments when couples have different approaches to spending and not having your own money for purchases only works if you agree on how to spend money. The completely separate causes arguments when one side seems to think they are paying more, or left with less money after bills than the other one.

MN is odd that so many people think what works for them is the best for everyone, and yes, there does seem to be a view between those who only have the 1 account approach that any other arrangement means you aren't a real couple, and "all money is family money".

I once had a joint account with my ex. It lasted about a week as he could not understand that it was a joint account and I had the right to withdraw money too so he would get a balance, see it had (for example) £200 and take the lot out. Leaving me in the supermarket picking up some bits after work, with the embarrassment of a declined card. He justified it by saying that he earned more so was more entitled to money in the joint account than I was and totally failed to see anything wrong.

He would also get angry when I paid (household) bills from the account (just like he did!) and kept accusing me of taking his money.

Like I said, he is ex. And when we divorced, I kept my rather large savings account quiet.

As I have said before
His account;
IN=his wage OUT = rent (finished in June), life ins, contents ins, his phone, he then saves as much a certain amount in different savings accounts ,he’s not very spendy.
My account;
IN=my wage, child allowance. OUT= electricity, childcare,my phone, savings.

We both have savings accounts, we both know what’s in them. We both buy food, it depends on who does the shopping on which card is used etc if the kids need something then generally It’s whoever is with them, it’s not a big deal. Car insurance and tax gets paid yearly from car savings.

That is literally our finances in a nutshell, I couldn’t be anymore specific unless I started giving amounts 🙄 it works!

we take a couple of hundred each for spending money each month

Spending money isn't something I am familiar with. We just spend what we need/want to spend. It helps that we are both essentially tight arses though.

We have separate accounts. We pay an equal amount into the joint account and then the rest of the money is our own which we can spend freely without guilt.

My husband has an expensive hobby. I don't see why I should pay for that? I like to but expensive make up and shoes, again he shouldn't have to pay for that!

I think the reason some people struggle with the concept of separate accounts and separate “spending money” is that, if you’ve ever taken time out to be a SAHM, you can’t imagine how that would work. You would feel like a financial prisoner or something, if your DH couldn’t view “his” money as family money. For instance, if you have a few DC and the couple decide that the mum will takes few years out, what woman in their right mind would do that if the DH thought of it as “his” money. It’s unthinkable and very dangerous. Or maybe he’d deign to give you an “allowance” for the privilege of being able to stay home within your own children, or some nonsense like that.

Dh hasn’t ever treated it like his money, I’d have access and I wouldn’t do the allowance thing.

@Safiya5 yes I understand that but that imo is not a banking problem it’s dh’s attitude problem . We had 6 years of me being a sahm and I have explained how that worked upthread. It was our money and I had the bank card but it was still in his account 🤷‍♀️ Then I had an allowance in my current account and also my own savings account. We reduced accordingly also for example we only had one car at the time.

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

Have never had joint finances with my husband of 15 years.

My parents have never had joint finances (married 44 years).

But surely even if it’s not an actual allowance there’s an understanding of how much you can spend or the rough amount of disposable income you need to stick to?

Wouldn’t you have a natural limit with a joint account? There’s the same amount of money

understand that but that imo is not a banking problem it’s dh’s attitude problem You can still be financially abused regardless if your accounts are joined or not.

When I was married we had separate accounts, I paid the mortgage & all the bills, my husband used to give me food money & more often than not it was short because he was buying crap when he got paid. When I lived with DP, he gave me his bank card, I just gave him walking around money for drinks, cigs etc he was happy for me to take money out to pay towards anything we needed & to go towards paying bills. If I was in a relationship again I would keep separate accounts, I would also keep separate property with a legal agreement drawn up of who owns what & what would happen if relationship ended, I got fleeced by ex husband & no way would I let that happen again.

No shared money here except mortgage and even then it was excruciating going through the process as neither of us knew, or wanted to know, what the other earned. We did the paperwork and never spoke of it again . Mortgage repayments come out of my account, DH transfers me his half each month, that's it.

We rarely talk about money and never argue about it.

When I was a child I had friends whose dad would hand over their pay packet to their mum and she would give him a weekly allowance from his wages. Seemed fair to me because he was earning the money for the family unit, not just himself.

It didn't work like that in our house because my dad had a salary paid direct into a (joint) bank account.

@fancynancyclancy absolutely I agree!! but harder to deal and get away from with if pooling finances imo

I agree Safiya5 that’s why I struggle with it. Dh and I pooled immediately didn’t really discuss it. Just knew we were a team and worked together. I earned more and we were able to buy flat in London just before prices rocketed because I had savings for a deposit he had none. I then earned more then plummeted for 6 years as sahm but all money into one account that we both used. How would I have managed in my non earning years with separate finances?!

“But surely even if it’s not an actual allowance there’s an understanding of how much you can spend or the rough amount of disposable income you need to stick to”

Well possibly, but DH has never told me how much I can and can’t spend. I think he just thinks it’s obvious how much is in the current account, so do what you need to do and act accordingly. He realises I’m the one at home with the kids so I’m best placed to decide what they may or may not need. This will vary month to month. I’ve never had any concept of “personal spending money”, it’s just as and when. If he wants to go off on a car racing weekend or buy bike stuff, it doesn’t enter my head to think, “well that’s £xx For me to spend on clothes then,” but similarly, if I want something, I’ll buy it if I think it’s reasonable. We don’t go through bank statements and add up each other’s “personal spending” - I’m not sure how we could begin to even compare that as we spend on such different things and in different ways. If I was worried about “spending my husband’s money”, I wouldn’t have eaten in 15 years!

I agree with that too young