To be completely confused by separate finances??

[Oohgossip]

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

We had separate accounts, we then paid money into the joint. When I earned more I paid more, when I was a SAHM he paid more. It worked out about the same as I got a substantial maternity package.

When we separated it was no issue at all to sort our finances. Ex paid spousal for two years as I’d been a SAHM.

Neither of us expected ever to have unfettered access to the other’s money. Neither of us had money issues.

@Safiya5 no it’s like owning a house and having a say on how certain rooms are used, decorated, what’s in them etc but letting the other person know whats going on, asking their opinion on where the picture should go, what colour it should be painted and then letting them i the roomwhen whenever they want woth or without you .😂

My ex once said that when we went out we were spending her money even though I paid all the bills even the ones for her business!
That’s one of the reasons she’s now my ex.

You need to have some transparency in marriage.

Young . But you’re not “letting them in the room” are you, if they don’t have access to your money?

@Ragwort yes essentially in that case I can see it being a disastrous idea. When I was a sahm I had my Dhs card to hand all the time and he did similar and transferred money to my account also. But I never felt like I was indebted to him and certainly never algae to ask for money or justify my spending. He paid for EVERYTHING and the money he transferred to me was literally for ME I was instructed not to spend it on dc etc. so I it was for hair, clothes etc now that I am earning again we just each take a few bills and are in charge of them.it works.

@Safiya5 my husband will often take my bank card to do food shopping, just like I sometimes take his. So yes we have access!

It really depends on a couples’s finances I think. I can see how in the majority of cases joint finances would be the most sensible.

My dh is a very high earner. If it all went into a joint pot I would probably spend too much tbh. And we both agree we’d rather save for holidays/home improvements/house moves/the future etc. We make joint financial decisions and he is completely transparent about his earnings/outgoings etc but it works for us to keep our accounts separate.

We have seperate accounts. We have a state of the nation look at finances once a year. We both started investing as teenagers, we paid off our mortgage and made some in our thirties after a particularly lucrative year.

DH has a well paid job, I retired due to ill health in my forties and got a very good settlement. We adjusted finances so he pays for the vast majority of things so that I still end up with cash left over. Financially we have been very lucky and even in ill health if we divorced I would still be in a financial situation that would give me a decent life. My number one priority in life was to be financially independent and that wasn’t changing even on marriage.

We have a joint bills account but I would hate to have everything shared. There's no surprise or romance in gifts and no independence for larger spending choices or frivolity. I would feel suffocated.

But surely you only feel ‘suffocated’ if one of you is ‘controlling’ about how the money is spent, we share a bank account but we are both sensible, if DH chooses to spend £1k a year on his golf club membership that’s fine, it is his hobby. My hobbies tend not to cost much and I don’t feel ‘I have to spend £1k on myself to make it equal’. Obviously if we both had expensive hobbies we would discuss and budget accordingly. If you can’t do that then it seems to me that you have bigger problems than whether you share a bank account or not. .

Agree with you OP

I'm married and one child always had joint finances. Since the day he moved in with me in fact! Pre marriage and pre children

I have my own account just as I always have and I’ve never said / thought any of the stuff in your op

Banking is so fluid it is the right amount of sharing and own (banking) identity to do it this way.

Yeah I don't get it either in most cases. We have joint account which pays all the bills and both wages go in. For our age group this is very unusual, whether married with kids or not.

Had a friend on Mat leave, we met at shops. I said u wanna go for lunch she was like I can't I'm so skint now I'm only on smp (hubby has his own business taking it in). I did treat her to lunch! We were wandering round shops she saw some lovely outfits for her girl for their upcoming holiday, she said I can't afford them I need dh to come with me and pay for her holiday stuff. It just baffles me. Although she is shit with money to be fair so I see why her hubby doesn't have joint bank account etc but I felt sorry for her.

We have separate finances. Completely.

Dh had joint finances with his ex which was all well and good until she kicked him out for OM, and emptied all their savings accounts to the tune of 20k before he even realised the marriage was over.

When dh moved in with me he consequently had nothing. I owned my house, had savings, pensions and isa’s. Everything is still separate, and my will states everything in my name goes to my children.

Having said that we don’t separate out costs as such. I pay my mortgage, household bills etc, dh pays for food, meals out, shopping etc. Neither one of us keeps money back or quibbles about who owes what.

Ime Joint finances are ok unless a relationship breaks down, when it is open to abuse and one partner being able to completely pocket everything. Also on wills etc i wanted to be able to leave my family their share, and not for everything to go automatically to dh and subsequently his adult children from his first marriage.

I agree op - we joined all money the month before we married. We have friends who have separate finances (no kids) and it's always weird when we go out they take turn paying, occasionally the genial buying an extra round as her cocktails cost more and owing each other money. Both DH and I comment to each other how weird it is.

WB - yes we also had joint finances from the minute we moved in, so pre-marriage.
It doesn’t bother me at all if he spends x on his hobbies or on cars or whatever. I spend what I think is reasonable for me according to my needs and interests. He spends what he deems reasonable according to his needs and interests. We don’t keep score or compare and I’ve no idea who has more “personal money.” Why would we care or begrudge each other anything?

Would it be fair to say that couples that pool their finances are probably (or have probably) started out from scratch, so there is an advantage to saving together and budgeting together for future growth. Whereas couples who have entered into relationships when they are already financially independent and self funding can see the advantage in keeping monies separate, apart from living expenses?

Whereas couples who have entered into relationships when they are already financially independent and self funding can see the advantage in keeping monies separate, apart from living expenses?

Surely all adults are self funding and financially independent when they get married?

I thought women not leaving their parents home until marriage went out a couple of centuries ago? Barring teenage pregnancy and the like most people will have jobs and an income, bank accounts etc by the time they get married?

@reallyanotherone Interesting point. I hadn't thought of second marriages and I do think that changes things - especially when you have kids from previous relationships. When you're bringing up kids together it makes much more sense to pool resources. Often one person's career takes the hit in terms of time off for parental leave and sick days, school pick ups etc. Your savings tend to be for joint holidays, home improvements etc. If it's a second marriage I can see how you might not want to pool all resources as some of your savings might be for your kids and you want to keep inheritances separate.

I also can't imagine not sharing finances with my husband. But we have similar ideas about money.

We do each get £100 per month for personal fun money. So sometimes one of us will treat the other to something like pub drinks--it is just a simple way to be nice to each other. And it is nice to have money we don't have to explain spending on to each other.

We have a joint account for household bills which we pay into equally. I earn more so buy the food shopping. After that, what’s left we spend how we like but if one of us had a big bill and was skint we wouldn’t see the other go without. We tend to naturally take it in turns to pay for stuff, like I’ll buy the food if we are out, DH might buy the drinks or pay for train tickets or taxis. We could combine into one account as there are no trust issues, but we’ve been together 13 years and always done this and it’s always been fine so can’t see any reason to change it.

It's dead simple. DH out earns me x6 and is a spender, I am a saver. We each put (standing order) a % of our salary into a joint account for bills, holidays etc, and the rest of our monies is for us to each spend as we wish, Therefore he pays for his own £100 shirt and I don't bat an eyelid.

Bit isn’t having separate finances a bit like buying a house together and then saying, “Well these are my rooms and those are yours.”

But isn't having joint finances like eating a meal together and having all the food on one plate?

We have a joint account and our own accounts. A set amount from each of us goes into the joint account every month to pay mortgage and bills and we buy things for ourselves out of our own money. We'll pay for holidays out of the joint account and treats like takeaways although we will also take turns to buy these. It works well for us.