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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be completely confused by separate finances??

306 replies

Oohgossip · 14/04/2019 13:51

Hard hat donned, ready to be flamed...

I just don’t get separate finances, particularly when you’re married with kids. I know it’s none of my business, and don’t care what others do financially, I’m just flummoxed by the idea of not having joint monies.

It may be the way I was brought up, but honestly in real life I know hardly anyone who DOESN’T have joint finances if you’re married with kids. It wasn’t until I’d been around here for a while that my eyes were opened to this whole other world

‘I had to ask my partner to get the food shop this week as the electricity bill that I pay for was higher than expected’
‘My dh said he’d treat me to a takeaway this week’
‘I can afford an expensive holiday but dh can’t, what should we do?’
‘I’m a sahm and dh gives me an allowance’
‘We split things 75-25 do you think this is reasonable’

Etc etc...baffles the life out of me!!

It seems so confusing...how do people work out who pays for what, who puts what in and takes what out, fractions, percentages etc etc

We put everything we earn in one pot and everything comes out of there. Very simple and straightforward. Unless one of you has an issue with money (ie very bad with it) why wouldn’t you have all things equal in a marriage???

For what it’s worth, dh and I have earned different amounts over the time we’ve been together - sometimes he’s earned substantially more, sometimes me - but not once has either of us questioned what we take out of the pot. We’re a team!

OP posts:
dreamyflower · 15/04/2019 03:56

So glad someone posted this! I don't get it either. My dh and I have a joint account and all our money goes in there. I am currently on statutory mat pay so earn £500 a month and he's earning 55K but we say the money is ours. Not his. Lots of my friends who are married have separate finaces and say things like 'he owes me for dinner last night' or 'she didn't pay half the electricity bill'. I've asked these friends what happens when they have kids and kid needs shoes or clothes or a treat. As soon as we married, we became a team so everything is shared.

PBobs · 15/04/2019 04:03

@dreamyflower I guess some of us can share and be a team without having to have a common bank card. Although it sounds like some of your friends struggle with it.

reallyanotherone · 15/04/2019 04:55

Also, I earn twice as much as my DH. If our money wasn't in one pot then we'd pretty much never be able to go on holidays or renovate our house or even go out to dinner because he'd not have the disposable income to do any of those things

Of course you would. I earn more than dh, we have separate accounts. We manage to go on holiday, renovate the house and even go out for dinner without the need for joint finances.

It gets chucked on a credit card and i pay the bill. Or dh does. No big deal and no need for a joint account.

Even if you have joint finances your dh will still be paying the same, lesser amount towards those things. Joint finances doesn’t magically even up your earnings. It’s still basically the higher earner contributing more.

Safiya5 · 15/04/2019 05:47

“and if there's one thing that REALLY annoys me it's the phrase that is parroted on here all too often. "All money is family money" hmm

Well what else is it though? Confused

Can I ask and I don’t mean to be ”goady” at all - if you are going to have totally separate finances, why get married at all? Why not just continue as you are, separate people with separate liabilities who might happen to share a house and co-parent DC. What is the point of getting married if nothing is going to change? I could buy a house with a friend, or anyone really.

malificent7 · 15/04/2019 05:59

Well it depends dosn't it?
If you have the same attitude to money great.
If you have different attitudes and kids then seperate makes sense.
I have a seperate account but we lend each other cash when stuck. I like a bit of autonomy.

cortex10 · 15/04/2019 06:29

We have always had a joint black hole bank account

fancynancyclancy · 15/04/2019 06:33

if you are going to have totally separate finances, why get married at all? Is that’s the main motivator in getting married? Is that the only thing that changes when married?

So for example after savings/deductions etc if “my” 2k goes into a joint pot where I spend what I need instead of just staying in “my” account why does that make our relationship any less committed?

So “my” relationship would be better/stronger if in you’re eyes if after savings/deductions etc my 2k goes into the joint pot

fancynancyclancy · 15/04/2019 06:35

Not sure why I asked that question twice, sleep deprived perhaps as I’m about to watch GOT!

Spidey66 · 15/04/2019 06:59

Do you often get confused that people do things differently to you?

Faultymain5 · 15/04/2019 07:12

Quite frankly when one person thinks, I’ll spend this today because I get paid in two weeks, but forgets to pay the credit card, and the other spends what they know they have, only putting it on the CC to earn air miles, then yes separate accounts. That or person number 2 will get pissed, when person one spends on something that isn’t needed and could be waited for.

Or person 1 receives a 5 digit bonus in March and sees no reason to put a portion away and spend the rest even though they know how bad they are with money and what things need doing around the house. Person 2 can wonder why person 1 doesn’t listen (again), but have no resentment cause they have a system.

I’m not sure why Person 1 and person 2 shouldn’t be together because of this one thing, that they have worked out works for them.

MarshaBradyo · 15/04/2019 07:18

I find people who are confused by this baffling - it’s not that hard to get.

As for the why get married at all line - ridiculous.

Whattodowithaminute · 15/04/2019 07:18

We have separate finances but a joint credit card. DH has an allowance and transfers me his salary at pay day. I manage all of our bills and finances. Why? Because this is the best way to assure our financial future-not everyone has good fiscal responsibility, since we started this strategy we have established some savings and bought a house. This was certainly not the case previously. Ultimately this way allows our relationship to
Continue to be successful, we lost a lot of trust around money a few years ago and had counselling it was a very dark time- I know I can provide for the children now with or without him.

MarshaBradyo · 15/04/2019 07:20

And do it even if you have the same attitude to money.

mustdrinkwaternotwine · 15/04/2019 07:22

We've just never got around to it. Met in our 30s when both of us had our own bank accounts, credit cards & savings. It probably helped that we both have decent incomes (although mine has decreased as I went part time) so meeting our financial commitments isn't a problem.
As we incurred joint liabilities, we just juggled things between us so it seemed about fair (probably helped by getting a mortgage around the same time as DC1 starting nursery and the amounts being similar). Once a year or so, we might review it and re-jig who is responsible for what or one of us will transfer the other some money. And DH will always transfer some money to me in January as I tend to do most of the Xmas shopping (including for his side of the family/godchildren) and in March when both cars get serviced (easier for me to arrange as I work part time) and a few other annual payments are paid.
On death it may not be the most straightforward but we are married and have mirror wills so, with a copy of the death certificate and that, shouldn't be too complicated. More importantly, we are of an age where DH is statistically more likely to leave me than die and I like to know that he can only clear out his own accounts. If need be, I have enough for a deposit and six months rent plus living costs and have had that since I was first pregnant which coincided with a friend's DH clearing out their bank account and various other friends divorcing and having to give an amount of their assets to their DH

Adelie0404 · 15/04/2019 07:27

Separate accounts and no problem. I pay for the mortgage and most things for the girls. Husband pays bills and for food (he shops) and saves for the girls. If one of us short for the month, I shift money so that neither of us goes overdrawn. I earn the the higher salary and save into an ISA too. It works because we make good salaries and neither of us are big spenders.

BuzzPeakWankBobbly · 15/04/2019 07:29

There really are some wilfully superior attitudes on this thread.

PBobs · 15/04/2019 07:30

I love the suggestion on here that if we don't have joint finances we shouldn't have bothered with the whole marriage malarky. I don't struggle to understand why people would have joint finances - why would people take issue with having separate finances?

scissorsandpen · 15/04/2019 07:34

I’m completely confused why you would share accounts. When DH earned less I paid for more bills now he earns way more I pay for the food shopping mainly. If kids need something one of us just buys it and going out we take turns or he pays never an issue. I like having my own private finances. It also saved arguments as I had no idea what he used to give to ex etc

MorrisZapp · 15/04/2019 07:37

I don't understand how it could possibly appear complicated. I would never have a joint bank account with anyone, the concept just doesn't feel right to me.

We've got DS, and it's no problem at all. We both buy his stuff. My wages are my wages though. I can't imagine living otherwise.

FookMeFookYou · 15/04/2019 08:14

My DH and I have separate accounts, always have done. It's not a trust issue.

Generally I am better with managing money than he is such as realising the importance of saving for a rainy day - especially now we have children. He is 10x better now though.

Neither of us have got an issue with how we do things though. I think that's the problem is if both parties aren't in agreement, or worst case one uses their financial position to coerce or bully the other into complying.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/04/2019 08:24

Are posters who 'don't understand separate accounts' actually reading any of the responses about why they work for some couples at all? Because they seem to be just piling in with 'I couldn't be bothered getting the calculator out to work out who owes what every day' without realising that no one has said they do that.
If you like and respect each other, and have similar attitudes to money, there's just no need for a joint account. 'I'm a bit short this month, can you transfer £x?' 'Sure'.
I like having my account much better, - if I go out for lunch with friends whilst dh is working, it wouldn't sit right at all with me to pay for it out of a joint account (which he would be contributing 90% of). I only work part time and contribute 10%, I love being able to say (ocassionally!) 'I'll pay'!

Mummyshark2018 · 15/04/2019 08:35

Separate accounts here (1dc and a dog). Dh and I earn similar amounts. Most bills / mortgage comes out of dh account and we have a fixed amount that I transfer each month. Any unexpected bigger expenditures and we half. I love having financial independence as does he. We have enough disposal income each month that if I want to spend money on Beauty treatments, clothes, weekends away with friends, meals out then I will and nobody but me needs to know what I chose to spend it on Wink

InspectorClouseauMNdivision · 15/04/2019 08:37

Exactly! We don't even bother with it being exactly 50:50. I can't imagine I would be sitting here with a calculator working out if one pays a tenner more🤷‍♀️ As long as all is covered, none of us is bothered. When I had a month without wages, DH transferred money into mine to pay mortgage etc and vice versa. We know circa how much each of us has, we don't hide anything.

It's each to their own. For someone it wouldn't work and I get that. For someone it would.
Some people are downright insulting by insinuating that if you don't share finances fully, something is wrong with your marriage...

Safiya5 · 15/04/2019 08:42

“I like having my account much better, - if I go out for lunch with friends whilst dh is working, it wouldn't sit right at all with me to pay for it out of a joint account (which he would be contributing 90% of)”

But why? Why wouid you feel guilty? He’s your DH, not some random person! I’m sure you work part-time for a reason and do various things to support him in your time “off” which enable him to earn the higher salary?

HotpotLawyer · 15/04/2019 08:42

arethereanyleft you are forgetting this is in AIBU.
So
No need to RTFT
or even all of the OP
Engage empathy
Or powers of perception
Listen to anyone else’s pov.
Wink