To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

[CorianderDestroysFamilies]

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

I live by the saying early bird catches the worm. It pays off for us.

Get places before it’s too hot too busy too full. Get the best seats etc.

Example I’m sitting on one of the few sun beds at the pool on holiday today because I was organised to do it while families come in and walk out again.

I no I didn’t put towels down Iike SOME do. I sat here the whole time.

Lateness is also a big bug bear of mine.

There are 5 of us that are 'best friends' since school. We meet up regularly & always at Christmas.

One year I had DD late November & that years Christmas meal was 9 days after the birth. I was BF so we planned to meet for dinner at 630 so that i could be home for 9 for next feed.

I got to the restaurant at 625 - baring in mind is had stitches, which were infected and I was ok antibiotics, had a terrible back from birth and was generally just feeling meh after it.

I sat there till 650pm till the first one showed up and then gradually they all came with the last one arriving at 7:35. I left at 845 and they one of them
Mentioned I was being a spoil sport as leaving early!

If I could manage to be there on time 9 days after giving birth why the F couldn't they?!

Still pisses me off now clearly....!

I'm another 'suspected ADHD Inattentive' struggling to get my shit together, but making a serious attempt to right now. Up until now i've been blessed with a brilliant memory so could replay my movements and track down shoes, keys etc (thanks a lot peri-menopause for ruining that...). I have way too many tops, so that finding one is easier. Finding a matching jacket/cardi is harder, so i'm trying to rejigg my wardrobe so that it is naturally more coordinating.

I am terrible for procrastinating, but know that i am better at getting things done in the day if i have to be out somewhere in the morning.

For DS1, when teaching him to timekeep in the mornings, i put a digital clock in his room and made a list of everything he had to have done and by what time. It included every phase of the getting dressed process, pants, trousers, shirts, socks, tie etc. All broken down to 5 or 10 minute intervals. A copy if this list was on the wall in each room he would need to go into.

Latest school drop off time is considered by us all to be door opening time - which actually gives us 5 extra minutes. We live a 10 minute drive away.

If we have a day of getting there 'late' (ie not BEFORE door opening time) we discuss what happened that morning to make us late, identify the cause, and work out what we need to do to avoid it next time. This is absolutely essential. I'm trying to rigorously teach my DSs to be able to timekeep. Heavy rain will automatically make the journey longer as there is more traffic on the road, so we add 5 minutes to the journey. Same with frost, as i need 5 minutes to defrost the car.

I have spare lunch boxes, DS2 has 10 school jumpers ( i'm NOT joking) because he keeps forgetting to bring them home. So on a Friday i attempt to get him to bring all of them home - only moderately works for jumpers - end of half term/ full term locker clear out will see 6 or so jumpers come home. Thank heavens for second hand uniform sales....

My best friend is as bad naturally with timekeeping as i am, so we either meet at each others house, i take a book with me when meeting out, or arrange to meet near where we're going and we'll text each other as we're on our way. Whoever is first will mooch around a nearby shop and the other one will find them. If either of us is timelimited on that day we make a point of telling the other one, and put the effort into being strictly on time.

But i'm lucky that i've developed routines and coping mechanisms that get me through (usually false earlier deadlines), and to most places on time, or rarely (now) 5 or 10 minutes late at the most. If i leave it to my natural organisation i know i would be a half to a full hour late.

A really good book is Driven to Distraction - reading it for my DSs made me realise that i have it too. I've asked for a referral but it will take 12-18 months.

We have a thread going for anyone who has suspected or diagnosed adult ADD/ADHD:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3557222-Thread-for-those-with-adult-ADHD-or-who-think-they-might-have-ADHD

@Absofrigginlootly I relate completely. I'm a 'Monica' type too, a very hard worker & driven. The timekeeping thing does not match me, at all.
I'm not dyslexic so can't attribute it to that.
But I, too, spend my life 'working backwards' and I still struggle. It's getting somewhat easier but still with MASSIVE disproportionate effort.

5foot5
It's funny how people who have difficulty "processing time" are never chronically early only ever chronically late.

Sometimes I am chronically early. As in I go directly to where I need to be next, and wait, rather than eg getting something else done, popping home first, which would be more normal.

I'm not typically late to meet people - as I plan for this now & work around it & actually my pretty fraught life circumstances at present mean I don't often meet people for coffee / drinks.

I don't excuse lateness; but this thread has shown me there are different reasons and takes on why people are late.

I've never understood how some people are just generally always late.

Perhaps there is a medical/processing issue for some - but if you know you have this issue why don't you write it down as a schedule to help you achieve the time? Plan ahead? use an alarm/reminder on your phone?

For most however, it's laziness and lack of regard for others and their arrangements. I have family members who are serial offenders. Late for Christmas Dinner, hours late or even days late for holidays.....

How do these people hold down jobs/get anything done/catch flights or make appointments?

Presumably when they REALLY need to be on time, they can actually do it?

I have inattentive ADHD and a tendency to be late but never more than 10 mins as it''s just blatantly rude!

The best way to stop your friend from doing this is to be even later than her. Don't go to your meet-up location until she texts/phones to ask where you are!

DB - chronically late, but never for work, flights or trains.

DSIL is in on the act. If we're going to theirs e.g. invited for lunch it's not at all unusual for her still to be out at the supermarket getting the ingredients for said lunch when we arrive. Last time we went round we joked DSIL couldn't make them late (in their own house) as she is recovering from an op. But it turned out she did manage to invite DM for a later time than everyone else. I had specifically said a week beforehand that I needed to leave at a certain time to get DS to his activity, so the gathering lasted about an hour after all that.

I felt bad for leaving when we'd all just assembled, so invited them round to ours a couple of weeks later. On that occasion DB rang me at the time they were meant to arrive to suggest we just meet at the park. Very glad I hadn't bothered baking as I'd semi-planned to.

Despite routinely blaming the children, it all become clear when we gathered at our house before heading to watch fireworks together. I announced it was time to start getting the children ready. Nobody moved (they have 2, we have 1). I went to tell the children to go to the loo and get shoes on etc. 10 mins later as we're all in the final throes of getting coats on and the fireworks are about to start, DB starts showing me the most irrelevant photos on his phone, and distracting my DS from getting his shoes on. DS has ADHD and getting out the door is the most stressful thing we do with him. Suddenly I understood why they are always late. Never distract a child putting their shoes on!! You're nearly at the finish line. Obvs we missed the start of the firework display.

To quote this part...

Perhaps there is a medical/processing issue for some - but if you know you have this issue why don't you write it down as a schedule to help you achieve the time? Plan ahead? use an alarm/reminder on your phone?

Do you actually understand how ignorant you sound writing that ? ADHD isn't a disorder of knowing what to do it is a disorder of being able to do it! We don't have the executive functioning in our brain to carry out what we know we should do.

Which then leads to years and years of shame and embarrassment, we understand what is expected but can't deliver it and in a lot of cases we don't know why as we haven't been diagnosed.

Then you are and it starts to make sense but people still think you have to just try harder.

Do you tell depressed people to just think happy thoughts ?

Reading an article about ADHD this morning and saw this and wanted to share. Once again we just ask for understanding

2 of 13
Never Caught Up, Never Early
I am blind to time. This is not a metaphor; I quite literally don’t compute the passage or estimation of time accurately. I also never learn to resist daily temptations to squeeze in "just one more thing." As a result, I’m always frantically rushing to catch up. I’m late to wake up (hitting snooze four times), late for work, late to finish last-minute projects, late paying bills, late filling out forms, and late making doctors’ appointments. Everything is last minute. Even when I’m on time, there’s a last-minute fumble: Where’s my phone? The papers I need? My sunglasses? And then, when finally I’m locking the door, my smoothie spills on my skirt and I have to go back and change clothes.

What about the person waiting for me on the other end? I feel bad, do it anyway, and then feel worse. It’s the only way I know; I’m not proud of it.

Borntobedifferent yes, that describes me to a T!

I think people don't understand how much of our brains are dependent on our chemical make up. People are so used to living in our own brains, and things we have no problem with seeming easy, that it's hard to understand how others can't just do it like you do.

With your friend I would take the approach of leaving when she let's you know she is leaving too so you aren't hanging round.

My ten year old has ADHD. He is often ready to leave for school before I'm ready to take him. The last two days we had time to walk the 1.5 miles to school instead of taking the bus as he was ready early. I've trained him to do "need to do" first and "nice to do" after if there's time. So he just gets up, gets dressed, eats breakfast, cleans teeth, packs bag all before farting around and that's that. Not saying it's easy, saying it's not impossible. If he touches the lego all bets are off.

Trained him! No you can't train that info anyone with ADHD!! Like training someone to disabled to walk and in a wheelchair to walk !!

What you have done is give a pull that is so worrying for him that he does it.

I was never late for school. My parents were organised, it was very routine driven and there was 3 of us off to school.

What happened when I was older and didn't have that? I fell apart.

You can't train ADHD out of an ADHD mind! You can use meds which can help a bit.

Where did I say ADHD was trained out of him?

No idea what you mean a pull that is so worrying for him that he does it. Routines are really helpful for people with ADHD. We have a good routine. It helps him.

sorry, only read half the thread, but I wonder if anyone who is late sometimes relies on google maps and the directions. I've found that, scheduled train journeys apart sometimes the times suggested are a little optimistic. And the walking time for me with my physical difficulties is way out, it would be out for someone with a suitcase, buggy, small children too and can't account for things like having to get them down stairs, arrive at the station before train door closes, wait at crossings for lights to change etc. For me the usefulness of google directions is somewhat minimised because of that. I still use it though but add my extra bits to that time. And if you put in you want to go from a station say, you have to realise that it is from the street outside the station so on top of that time you have to add how long it is from platform to the street which can be a long drag at some big stations. And train connections too, it's ok if you know the station and what platforms trains come in on but I've missed trains which have been advertised as connections because first you need to find the departures screen to find out which platform, then I've had luggage and need a lift, and to get over to the other platform you have to walk miles to get a lift and then the other train is right down the end of the other platform. So if you are fit, unencumbered and the train arrives dead on time and you know where it is going from you will catch it.

Doesn't apply to the chronically late though, and while most times you leave a margin in setting the time, so the odd 5-10 min doesn't make much of a difference, it is just not on. My inlaws were chronically late for things, and chronically late with things, if you were visiting them. They'd say we'll do you a meal for when you get there, so we'd give them an eta, and update when around an hour away, and we'd turn up starving to find that not only had they not even started cooking the meal, they didn't even start cooking straight away or offer a sandwich to keep us going, so we had tired and hungry us and children. And despite knowing we were coming for a long time we'd have too set up the sleeping arrangements and make the beds before we could crash out, not fair on the children. husband followed in their footsteps and while he could turn up on time for a hobby activity, we'd be stressed out by having to run to catch trains etc, we'd be stressed every morning as he couldn't find keys or train ticket that he'd had the night before. Yes, I guess I enabled him by going ahead to get tickets early, that kind of thing, never managed to get him to keep his stuff in a safe place overnight no matter how many organising trays, key hooks, manbags I bought him. His refusal to address his issues with being organised bit him in the bum eventually after we split as he missed his mother's funeral cos of getting the last possible train which was delayed

AssangesCat

I agree routine is important and you are doing the right thing for him however unfortunately it won't help him be on time in the future when someone isn't there to push him to ensure he's on time.

So it doesn't mean he won't have the same difficulty being on time as an adult as the other people with ADHD are saying

Yes personality trait.

I'm always late and yes some prim and proper people find me rude. I'm very absent minded and am late for work meetings. I am the one running for planes. I am the one who wrote my dissertation overnight. I am the one when i ring my friends they say "you're going to say you are 5 minutes away arent you???"

My dh is always early and thinks I'm a failure.

Friends who value me joke about it and have resorted to lying about meeting times by setting it earlier. It works!

I'm sometimes late, by 5 mins. More often I'm bang on time. I'd rather be a little early but a combination of doing just one more thing / makeup taking longer than expected / transport delays always seem to eat into any buffer I plan in, and expand to fill the available space

I have an acquaintance though who is late for everything. Her family tell her to meet them 2 HOURS earlier than everyone else - she's still late. Often turns up at restaurants after food service is finished and gets arsey that everyone else has ordered (and eaten and some gone home on one occasion!). I've got a lift with her in the past, half an hour after we should have left she made herself a coffee and started rolling cigarettes - she definitely thinks her time is more valuable than anyone else's.

My DP on the other hand is always early, and it drives me up the fucking wall. He's always harassing me to leave because 'we'll be late' and I inevitably end up forgetting things (like my wallet, or the tickets) because he's fussing and carrying on so much I can't think straight. And we get everywhere 45mins early. Fine in a pub or restaurant. Not fine arriving at a 7pm house party at 6.15 when the host isn't even dressed yet. He WILL NOT see that this is as rude (or more rude, depending on the situation) than being late.

His obsessive earlyness and nagging triggers some latent teenage rebellion in me and makes me want to take even longer getting ready.