To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

[CorianderDestroysFamilies]

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

These threads are always quite decisive. I'm someone who is quite often late.... I suffer from anxiety and I also have very poor understanding of the passing of time... I think I may have discalcula (I think that's how its spelt) as I read up about it and have many other signs of it. I cannot automatically tell left from right, cannot visualise or really understand large numbers, dont know the alphabet or times tables or rote things like that, have to do sums on my fingers... and I have very little concept of time. Couldn't actually read a clock until I was in my teens. Still find it very very difficult to judge lengths of time passing unless I am staring directly at a clock the whole time. For example I will think a certain task takes ten minutes because I timed it... but then I'll try and do it and think it has taken the same length of time but it's been 45 mins when I look at the clock and I've had absolutely no sense that it was taking longer. I find it very stressful. I was constantly in detention at school because I'd just turn up at random times. I lost the first few jobs I've had. I've missed flights.
I'm better at coping now because I've factored it in and learnt tricks to deal with it but it takes a lot of effort and focus.
It hurts me when i hear people saying that those who are late are arrogant or place their own time higher than other peoples. I think that is ver unlikely to be true if someone is consistently late for every occasion. I think it's much more likely to be caused by processing of anxiety problems. Some peoples brains do function differently and it us alot harder for them to be on time. Trying to make it into a fun personality trait may just be a slightly misguided way of trying to make light of their own stress about it.

At the end of the day for me it IS quite a serious personality trait I have... perhaps considered quirky but something that is incredibly stressful for me and has caused me a lot of pain.

Thankfully I'm a lot better than I was when younger but I still do struggle. People who know me will say to each other 'oh shes always late that's just ribbons!' Which I'm sure might really piss people off who didnt know the full situation.

I think it's important to take these things into account. People function differently to each other and you dont know what someone is dealing with.
If someone is chronically late I think that's a different issue from someone who is only ever late when meeting you specifically... theres more scope there to think perhaps they are taking the piss and dont really care about you. If someone is late to everything they do a good proportion of the time I think you are probably dealing with something which is not about their feelings towards you or other people at all.

I hate lateness. I have a friend who thinks it hilarious. She’s only got to get herself there on time yet I manage to get myself and a baby at the right place (often closer to her then to me)
I too hate those memes that joke about still being in bed and texting your friend saying you are nearly there.

I don't necessarily find lateness rude, but I do find it annoying and a bit inconceivable how some people can not think at all about how long it's going to take to get ready and travel to somewhere? Do they just guess? Do they just think as long as they leave a few minutes before they're supposed to be somewhere and it'll be OK? I can't imagine not considering that at all, but evidently plenty of people don't.

It bothers me.

Personally If I'm not 10 minutes early to an appointment or meeting someone, I consider myself late and I get bad anxiety over it.

I get teased at work about it as I am ALWAYS early. One time I hit heavy traffic and called ahead of time to say I'd be a little late and I'm extremely sorry and arrived literally 1 minute late. I was so wound up and stressed out.

Constant lateness is rude, arrogant and selfish. If they have redeeming features and you still want to meet up with them, choose your meeting place wisely- a café where you can sit in warmth and have a coffee. Or get them to come to your house so you can carry on with stuff at home until they deign to turn up. If they are more than 30 mins late without a decent excuse on more than one occasion, I would just leave.

It’s very rude to always be late . It’s essentially saying ‘I’m more important than you ‘

I have a friend who does this to me...last week she invited me to her house at a specific time...I turn up on time and wait ,and knock..no answer...I text her...then go home..20 minutes later she replies with a emoji of a woman shrugging her shoulders and the message ,I’m still in town....
Then 2 hours later I get another text ....I’m home now come over..
This particular friend thinks and acts like the world revolves around her.

Just for general meet ups and my house or a coffee shop I font mind 5 or 10 mins either way.
However if we are going to an event that starts at a certain time then I expect to meet st time agreed.

We have a friend who is a star in every other way, kind, house sits, thoughtful presents, good company, etc but my God!,the punctuality is awful. Sometimes up to to an hour late. We were supposed to be out walking leaving my house at 11.00am a few Saturdays ago. She rang say she was 10 mins behind. At 11.20 she was making a picnic and what would we like? At 11.45 she was nearly ready at at 11.05 she arrived! Dp was fuming and could hardly speak to her and I was trying to keep the peace!!!

I stopped waiting.

I used to, sitting there like a chump for an hour or so. Now I wait 15 minutes and then leave, sending a message "I take you're not coming so we'll catch up another time". One ex friend fell out with me spectacularly over it, called me rude for not waiting for them, implying that they were so much more important then me so had much more important calls on their time. She lost quite a few friends over that as when she started slagging me off it came out that they were all sick of it too :o

Lateness doesn’t bother me much. I have a friend who is always late, I don’t mind as I expect it. I tend to be pretty punctual and would rather be early and hang around a bit. What gets on my nerves more than lateness is people who make a big thing about always being on time -a bit like people who talk a lot about getting up early in the morning. I was brought up in a chronically late household and my mum was always late to pick us up from anywhere so perhaps I’ve been conditioned to tolerate lateness in others.

I'm in business with two other people, one of whom is always late. Late for clients, late for internal meetings, late for conference calls. Not only that, but often double booked. It's driving me and the other partner to the point where we are thinking of changing the relationship. We do need this person in our business, and their value is undisputed BUT the lateness and double booking is stressful, embarrassing and, we think, potentially damaging to our professional reputation.

The worst aspect of it is that when we say "you're late, what happened?" we get the look and "am I? Not really, just a few minutes, does it matter?" response. It's not a few minutes, it's 15, 30 minutes every time and often an hour or so. It drives me fucking nuts.

But that’s the point Ribbonsonabox. You have developed strategies to minimise the impact your difficulties have.

What most people are talking about, is people who are late because they can’t be bothered to be on time, or don’t value other people’s time, or feel that it isn’t important, or believe they are more important than others.

It isn’t funny. It’s discourteous and sending a text doesn’t excuse the lateness or make it ok.

What gets on my nerves more than lateness is people who make a big thing about always being on time

Perhaps you are not as "pretty punctual" as you think and the people are making a point to try and drop a hint. I cant say I have ever come across anyone who makes a big thing of being on time......being on time is the standard surely?

I think if it's a casual meet up then 5 minutes is neither here nor there, but being consistently late for things beyond a few minutes is rude.

The thing is you usually fix on a time for a reason eg going to see and exhibition, so you meet at X time so that you have time to walk to exhibition, queue at door, get tickets, go to loo, spend nice hour in exhibition. If everything is pushed forward it can ruin the day. Plus you have stood/sat round in a place you wouldn't normally choose to spend time whilst you wait.

Perhaps you are not as "pretty punctual" as you think well, I can’t remember the last time I was late for anything.

Nope it's not cute funny or quirky. It's rude and inconsiderate. I have a friend who does it regularly and it winds me up. I've stopped waiting around now

Yes this is my personal bugbear. one dsis is constantly late. Drives me absolutely up the wall. I don't mind early but lateness I find disrespectful. If I can consistently make it on time she should too and she's childfree unlike me!

I hold my hand up and I've always struggled to be on time. Always ran to school and work and I hate being kept waiting. However, I do not know why I do this why I always cut it so fine. I do lots for other people, often at my inconvenience and almost never say no if I can be of help. I don't value my time more than others and I don't know why it is. I have 2 friends (I'm seeing them today) and they are also the kindest people ever but always very late too.

I am annoyed at my own lateness and logically know that it's easy not to be late but if I have time to spare I start doing stuff that ends up making me late.

I got sick of it in the end I asked her to text me as she was leaving rather than agree to meet at a certain time so if I was ready on time I could sit in living room with a drink and wait for the text

Yes, for a small minority it may be due to a cognitive deficit but for the majority of people it's just rudeness.

The people that are always late are also people that can get to the theatre or job interview on time, ie when it really matters.

My dh is a naturally late person, it comes from him being an optimistic person, where he sees journey times as the very best case scenario rather than allowing for common delays. But I made it clear early in our relationship that lateness was a deal breaker and now he's not too bad. Apps like City mapper help a lot with disorganisation so there's less of an excuse these days.

This might make me sound old but I was a teen before owning a mobile phone was common and people were just more reliable back then ie if you didn't turn up at the agreed time the group would just go and you'd then not be able to find them,so night out ruined.

I remember the last thread on this. And the one before. Many late people - not all, but many - seem to think that punctual people are just magically punctual without needing to put in any effort. Well, no.

I get things ready the night before, so I'm not rushing round looking for my keys or my shoes or a clean top when I should be leaving the house.

I know what time train I need to catch, how long it takes to walk to the station, how long I need to allow for breakfast, shower, drying hair, etc, so I know what time I need to be doing all those things in order to get out of the house on time. After years, it's all become routine and I don't need to think about it too much, other than checking the time at each stage.

But it takes effort and thought and planning to establish the routine in the first place. And then sticking to it.

Again though, late people, if it's due to a cognitive difficulty why make plans in the first place?

I heard a saying recently - “there is no such thing as lateness, only poor discipline”.

This is definitely true in my case, I used to be habitually late, due to poor organisation, but never as an act of passive aggression to whoever I was meeting, I think it’s odd when people take it as a personal affront

I think it’s odd when people take it as a personal affront

But it is personal.

By being late you are saying "I dont care enough about you and your time to organise myself and be there on time" You could have been better organised but chose not to be, how is that anything other than an insult to the poor sap waiting for you?