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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

420 replies

CorianderDestroysFamilies · 13/04/2019 11:39

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late Angry I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny Hmm meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Borntobedifferent · 15/04/2019 14:09

People who are on time, are on time because they make an effort to be on time! They think about all the things they need to do, what order they need to do them in, and how long each thing will take, and work out how much time they need to allow.

People who can walk can walk because they make an effort to walk!

That is basically what you what you just said to people with ADHD.

We spend our whole lives thinking we are lazy as however much we make the effort we are still later, disorganised and flying by the seats of our pants. You think this is how I choose to live? That I havent tried harder or put steps into place? But however much I try I have ADHD so sometimes even most of the time it doesn't work !

whodafeck · 15/04/2019 14:14

I’m copying this from my post on another thread.

whodafeck Sun 14-Apr-19 09:03:25
I realised once that my ex just didn’t see time in the same way as I did.

We had to be somewhere in the next town for (say) 3pm.

I was ready and he said “it’s only a 20 min drive we don’t need to leave til 2.40”.

It was, according to google maps, a 24 min drive and that didn’t include school traffic time, park the car, walk to the building where the appointment was, find reception, talk to the receptionist and then walk to the room with the appointment.

Whereas I was thinking about all those extra steps.

I had to learn to do that. It didn’t come easy and I’ve got all kinds of strategies. Alarms on my phone. Same when I’m cooking. I used to sit and write out timings.

My ex doesn’t do any of that. He just thinks I’m anal and uptight and I needed to learn to go with the flow. 🤷‍♀️

howmanyleftfeet · 15/04/2019 14:26

Gribbie I've just been diagnosed at 44!

We simply wouldn't have been diagnosed when we were young, it wasn't so well recognised.

Plus, us innatentive types tend to slip under the radar - without the hyperactivity, as kids, It's less obvious to adults that there's something up.

Are you prone to impulsive and/or risk taking behaviour out of interest? Both are typical of ADHD. Knowing this has made for some interesting reflections on my past.

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 14:40

howmanyleftfeet - impulsive with money now for sure. I was very quiet until mid teens so think that sheltered me from a lot of the silly stuff. Although I do describe myself as a “silly drunk” and don’t drink anymore because if I do I’m the one at the bar forcing shots onto everyone, etc.

BertieBotts · 15/04/2019 14:43

ADHD peeps: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/3560417-ADHD-Support-thread-the-how-many-is-this-now

Shall we congregate on our own thread? There is no set time of posting. We don't give a fuck if you disappear for weeks and pop back on. We are just happy to have you there. Brew ADHD late people deserve friends too.

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 14:47

Thanks Bertie. Heading that way now 😄 well in a minute 😂

BertieBotts · 15/04/2019 14:51

I don't get angry at these kinds of threads any more TBH - I just laugh at the suggestions not to bother meeting anyone, rearrange your entire life to accommodate coffee dates, etc.

I also don't believe that a major proportion of people who are late (or rude in whatever other random way MNers have decided to collectively pearl clutch over this week) ARE doing it specifically to spite people and/or because they are self important and nasty. I can see that some people are like that, but when in doubt, assume incompetence rather than conspiracy.

The more I talk to people (IRL) about things like ADHD the more I realise everyone has something they find hard which most people find easy, the older I get the more I realise nobody is really a "grown up" in the infallible way I thought of grown ups when I was young. We are all faking it in some way.

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 14:56

Indeed. I used to think 99% of grownups had their life together!

whodafeck · 15/04/2019 14:57

Bertie that is very true. Everyone has struggles.

MariaNovella · 15/04/2019 14:58

The people I know who are consistently late for appointments are selfish in other ways too.

BertieBotts · 15/04/2019 15:07

Well perhaps. I mean if somebody is consistently selfish in various ways they might just be selfish. They also might have something behind all of it which makes them appear selfish. I don't know the person, so I can't tell you. I know that my DH considers my mum to be very self-centred and not especially likeable, she has CPTSD, and I'm fairly sure that everything he finds "selfish" is actually traceable back to that. It's a combination of self preservation and anxiety.

OTOH I had an ex who really did consider himself before anything else, not because he had to, but because he never gave a shit about anybody else.

But obviously I'm biased about my ex - I suppose it's not impossible that his selfishness is some kind of self preservation either.

Absofrigginlootly · 15/04/2019 16:26

Reading this thread has been a revelation. I’ve just completed several ADHD tests and come out strongly as inattentive subtype.

Where did you find those tests? I’d be really interested to screen myself for ADD.... maybe it’s dyslexia, but reading this thread has also made me reflect a lot since I’ve been struggling with timekeeping particularly since baby DS came along and it’s been really getting me down to the point Ive felt like I’ve been suffering from PND.... I find myself easily distracted, tend to zone out without realising it, can’t keep track of time,

Is like this feeling of constantly skiing up hill. I regularly have stressful dreams about being in a huge rush for something important like an exam, knowing I’m already late for it, usually involves not being able to find one of the kids too or realising that suddenly I’ve not been paying attention/lookin after them for ages and have no idea where they are

Absofrigginlootly · 15/04/2019 16:29

FFs can’t even string a complete thought together..... what I mean is, I wonder if I have some degree of ADD too that impacts on this chronic poor timekeeping

Or you know maybe I just need to try harder to get my sh*t together Sad

Bbang · 15/04/2019 16:52

We have a running joke with my aunt that if she says she’ll be there for lunch at 12pm serve it for 2pm instead, it’s not funny it’s infuriating we now tell her fake times so we aren’t left waiting

TheNavigator · 15/04/2019 18:29

It is also so awful for their children - as a previous poster mentioned, she still feels upset my the memories of endless waiting for their parent to pick them up. Not to mention the humiliation of having to head in late to things, get told of at school. There is no excuse for making your children suffer because you can't get your shit together.

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 18:36

Abso - totallyadd.com/do-i-have-add/

tictac86 · 15/04/2019 18:52

Drives me mad, my husband thinks he is funny doing this but it's really annoying. He also thinks why should I time myself to someone else. He is a lovely man otherwise

UCOforAC12 · 15/04/2019 19:27

My PILS are like this. Need to meet them somewhere? Tell them half an hour before and arrive 5 mins early. They are always 25 minutes late. I get hungry and stressed and once we had kids we just got on with ordering and said sod them. In their case it's rudeness and priorities. MIL is late picking DCs up from school despite being told repeatedly the pick up time. I only ask her when absolutely necessary otherwise they just have playdates as DD1 gets anxious if she's late. It's the impact on others which they don't appreciate.

goodwinter · 15/04/2019 19:50

I just want to say @imnotmad your posts have been really eye-opening and informative. Thank you.

goodwinter · 15/04/2019 19:55

But the people I know who are obsessively punctual are in my experience some of the smuggest, judgiest people I know. They're always so busy being pleased with themselves for being so perfect that it doesn't leave a lot of flexibility for humanity or compromise.

I'm obsessively punctual. I'm not smug, and I don't turn up on time so I can sit there congratulating myself for being better than everyone else; I'm like that because being late is a huge anxiety trigger for me. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Absofrigginlootly · 15/04/2019 20:04

Gribbie thank you that came out as

”Your answers suggest you may have The Predominantly Inattentive Subtype of ADHD”

Interesting......!! Maybe I should see if my GP would refer me for proper screening.... I don’t want my DC to suffer Sad

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 20:20

Abso - same for me. I don’t know what to do next, see gp or not. Pretty sure DS1 has it too. DD not sure but she’s very nearly 5 so a little early to tell.

Napqueen1234 · 16/04/2019 06:07

I think this post has gone off on a bit of a tangent. I have tonnes of friends who are always late and pretty sure they don’t all have undiagnosed ADHD (if they were showing signs of that I’m sure I’d be more understanding) there are plenty of people out there who are just late for no particular reason and those are the ones people are griping about!

Snog · 16/04/2019 06:14

Napqueen has it, being late if you have contributing health issues is a lot more understandable but the frustration is about those who don't have this kind of issue.

madeyemoodysmum · 16/04/2019 07:04

Good point about phones. You couldn’t risk being late in the old days or you would lose someone.