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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

420 replies

CorianderDestroysFamilies · 13/04/2019 11:39

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late Angry I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny Hmm meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

OP posts:
Bunnybaubles · 14/04/2019 19:45

Lateness, and inability to remember dates, appointments etc is a form of dyslexia. I suffer from it. I have such a poor concept of time it gets me into trouble all the time. No matter how many reminders I set etc I forget appointments, occasions etc.

It is horrible to live with and I am still trying different strategies. Apologies for being rude!

cloudspotter · 14/04/2019 19:48

Clarification, I detest people who turn up on time to dinner or parties on time. It just makes me think they must be some kind of uptight little prick who thinks the world revolves around them.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 19:50

Well cloud, why not set a time you want them to turn up?

Borntobedifferent · 14/04/2019 19:52

BorsetshireBlueBalls I'm sorry but that's utter bullshit that you have a diagnosis and then think if you can reply to this then you should be able to be on time.

First of all ADHD is a spectrum, some people are better than others at being on time. Honestly I mostly meet people on time but am awful when it comes to appointments such as doctors. I just leave too little time and please don't tell me to leave more if it was that easy I would.

I don't currently work as I had a breakdown as I couldn't understand why I couldn't just y know try harder to be organised and come up with systems and be on line and do things I didn't find interesting bit focus for hours and hours on things I did.

I thought I was lazy and stupid.

I bought 1000 organisation techniques yet can't make one last longer than a week.

The person who said you just need a system 😂😂 like telling a person who can't walk they just need to put one foot in front of the other. Do you think we are stupid that we don't understand the concept of what we need to do but can't do it.

If I'm late it's probably because I have lost my debit card. I've just had to order my 3rd one this year. Do you not think that I tell myself to put it back in my wallet or have a safe place for it. Of course I do but I have ADHD so don't have the capacity to do that !!

Langrish · 14/04/2019 19:54

Rude

Tubs11 · 14/04/2019 19:55

My sister is like this, it's so annoying! I know she'll never change so like to play her at her own game sometimes. You should try it some time, steam coming out their ears but can't say anything. Lol

SunshineCake · 14/04/2019 19:57

I have a friend who is always late for our very rare meet ups. Sometimes takes days to reply to messages if she ever does. Rarely gets a birthday card to someone in the birthday week never mind birthday.

Roussette · 14/04/2019 19:57

Well cloud, why not set a time you want them to turn up?

^^This.

So I'm an uptight little prick for arriving at the time I've been asked to arrive. I've heard it all now.

cloudspotter · 14/04/2019 20:01

I just thought it would be interesting if the tables were turned. The self-righteousness on this thread makes me feel nauseous.

This thread is full of people that have decided being "on time" is a moral issue, that they are the jufmdge if, when it isn't. It's partly cultural, partly about organisation, partly about how much you are trying to cram into your life.

I just think it is a completely arbitrary thing and unimportant. I absolutely don't judge people for lateness, I just accept that life rarely goes to plan. Everyone I know is super busy, racing from one thing to the next. Things run over. That's life.

My values are: Be tolerant of others. Be kind. I'd rather have a friend who was kind, patient and tolerant and didn't take every opportunity to lord it over others, than someone who is sat there tapping their fingers and getting cross at someone because of a few minutes late.

But looking at this thread, I'm in a minority.

Orangecake123 · 14/04/2019 20:01

Personally I don't like this and think it is a rude especially as I hate being late. I once waited an hour and 15 mins for a friend to arrive before I called it a day.

But with a new group of friends I know they're not going to be on time. Today we agreed at 10am at the coffee shop. I just got there later at 10.35 Wink and 3 others arrived after me.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:02

Cloud you ant people t be tolerant and less judge of you! You are not being tolerant or thoughtful about other people. That makes you selfish and arrogant.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:03

*Cloud you want people to be less judgey of you.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:04

This thread is full of people that have decided being "on time" is a moral issue,

Why agree to a time you can't meet, its a mutual decision. Respect the other person's time and don't waste it.

DoNotTouchTheTree · 14/04/2019 20:24

Greenpop21 Some people really can't help it. I'm one of them,

Bluededoobeedoo · 14/04/2019 20:24

Huge sympathy. Highly irritating and selfish habit.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:26

But if you have a problem and you explain it and apologise that is different to just arrogantly expecting people to wait for you.

greenpop21 · 14/04/2019 20:27

If my friend had a problem, I would say ring me or text me when you are on your way. Problem solved.

TheNavigator · 14/04/2019 20:28

My values are: Be tolerant of others. Be kind.

And yet you 'detest' people who turn up at the time you ask them to. Yeah, the very epitome of kindness and tolerance.

Yup late comers just can't stop themselves being rude, it seems. Lack of respect for someone else's time is such a basic incivility. Treat people how you wish to be treated - by valuing that most precious of commodities- their time.

WallisFrizz · 14/04/2019 20:29

For people who are persistently late (because of ADHD or otherwise) work out the average amount of time you are late, eg 25 mins, and purposely (not half heartedly) aim for being 25 mins early to the meet time. If you can’t make it, don’t agree it.

To the poster who said they are regularly seconds late for the bus, factor in a missed bus and don’t agree to meet at a time that doesn’t allow you to miss a bus.

Basically make your lateness your own problem not everyone else’s.

DoNotTouchTheTree · 14/04/2019 20:29

Greenpop21 That's true, there's no excuse for not calling someone to say you'll be late.

SchoolOfLife2 · 14/04/2019 20:34

Reading this thread made me realise I probably have ADHD. Too scared to get diagnosed though as I feel will b stigmatized. I’m not late more than 20 mins to meetings but I find it so hard I developed social anxiety and prefer to not make plans to avoid this stress. It runs in my family so must b a disorder.

jessebuni · 14/04/2019 20:34

Love this thread! Yes! Late was is just plain rude and not cute or quirky at all! I had someone be late to my wedding as in hours late missed the wedding and the food at the reception and then had to order themselves a meal to eat rather than socialising because they were busy with their ex doing nothing? Needless to say I’m not overly fond of this person and don’t invite her to things anymore.
People can be late, sometimes we all just have one of those days where everything goes wrong or we completely lose track of time but it should never happen often enough that you end up being known for it. It’s rude and inconsiderate.

DoNotTouchTheTree · 14/04/2019 20:36

WallisFrizz. For people who are persistently late (because of ADHD or otherwise) work out the average amount of time you are late, eg 25 mins, and purposely (not half heartedly) aim for being 25 mins early to the meet time. If you can’t make it, don’t agree it.

To the poster who said they are regularly seconds late for the bus, factor in a missed bus and don’t agree to meet at a time that doesn’t allow you to miss a bus.

Basically make your lateness your own problem not everyone else’s

Fuck me, why didn’t I think of that?
p.s. ADHD is a disability, not a fucking choice. Do you think I’m late by choice? Are you another one who tells depressed people to give themselves a shake, or to cheer up?

DoNotTouchTheTree · 14/04/2019 20:39

I've caught planes by the skin of my teeth, and missed more trains than I'd like to admit. I’ve forgotten to pick my kids up, I’ve been late for christenings, weddings and even funerals.

I'm totally respectful of other people’s time, I really am, but find it incredibly hard to factor in all the things that I need to do sometimes. I make arrangements with full intentions of being there on time, but it doesn’t always work out that way. It’s not because I don’t respect them. I do, it’s just really bloody hard.

Now I take medication for ADHD daily. Even with that, if I need to be somewhere, I need to write out a timeline working backwards from the appointment so I can be there on time. If I don’t, I totally underestimate how long it will take. Can you imagine how tiring and tiresome it is doing that every time I need to be anywhere? BTW, Before being diagnosed and starting medication it wouldn’t have occurred to me to do that.

Having ADHD doesn’t make me a lesser person, but it sure does feel that way, when the mark of being a good person or a good friend is measured by my timekeeping.

Nearly47 · 14/04/2019 20:40

I think there are people that go to extremes. Ok to be upset because someone is late and affects you directly. Don't get people that judge people that are late for things that have no major consequence to anyone. For example heard someone making irate conments about a mum that always running so not too arrive late at pick up, birthday parties, etc. She never missed pickup only had to rush to be on time. That brigade that says that if are not early you are late, etc. I don't particularly care about people punctuality unless it's something important or I am left waiting in an awkward place for a long time. But if I am in a coffee shop for example will not even register if a friend is 10 min late