Page 15 | To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

CorianderDestroysFamilies · 2019-04-13T10:39:46+00:00

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late [angry] I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time. Anyway I’ve just seen another funny [hmm] meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

cloudspotter · 14/04/2019 23:02

Perhaps on reflection I was being deliberately provocative in saying "I detest people who are on time".

That's way too polarised. But the people I know who are obsessively punctual are in my experience some of the smuggest, judgiest people I know. They're always so busy being pleased with themselves for being so perfect that it doesn't leave a lot of flexibility for humanity or compromise. I'm thinking of a couple in particular who give short shrift to anyone who has any difficulty in life, and think people with mental health issues need to buckle up and get on with it (like them).

Whereas in my experience, people who are late can be some of the loveliest, most sociable and compassionate people in my life. I can think of so many examples of great people whose timekeeping is shocking.

I guess I don't see any correlation between arrogance, selfishness and bad timekeeping. If anything, it's the other way, so I was pretty shocked to realise there are so many people out there who feel so aggressive about it.

The answer is - if you don't like someone's timekeeping, tell them. Politely. And then give them the chance to make an extra effort or decide to self-select out of your friend list.

Don't just indulge in cowardly bitching and self-righteousness behind their backs.

MidniteScribbler · 14/04/2019 23:17

I ended a friendship on my wedding day over lateness. I had a friend who I really loved, but she was chronically late. Often over an hour or more late. She was supposed to do a reading during the ceremony, and I actually made her a different invitation that had the ceremony an hour earlier than it actually was. She never showed up, and then tried to walk into the reception. I stopped her at the door. "Oh, you know me, I'll be late for my own funeral ::laughs::". I asked her "Do you get to work on time? Have you ever missed a flight?" She laughs again "Oh no, those things are important." "So I'm not? You can leave now, if you think I'm not important enough to be on time for, then you obviously aren't a friend." I've never spoken to her since.

GreenTulips · 15/04/2019 00:21

romeoonthebalcony

Some of us get it, we really do!

I’m glad you’re helping to educate others

CustardandCake · 15/04/2019 00:57

@minimum97 ohhhh I am just like this!! It’s so hard for me and do exhausting to plan to be on time that I am exhausted by the time I reach there even if in time!

But most people are saying they put so much effort to be in time. This is really surprising for me. So all others put so much effort as well! That’s inspiring!!

bebanjo · 15/04/2019 01:02

'People who are late can be the most compassionate people I know'
Does that compassion extend to the ones left waiting I wonder ?
Does the anxiety, paranoia, self doubt and insecurities of those left waiting matter?
Have these compassionate people seen the distress they 'compassion '
Can result in for the ones they call friends?

TheNavigator · 15/04/2019 06:19

hat's way too polarised. But the people I know who are obsessively punctual are in my experience some of the smuggest, judgiest people I know.

Which is odd, because your posts have all been wildly smug and judgy - detesting early people, claiming to be kind and honest when you sound quite the opposite.

As a PP said - what about compassion for all the poor sods whose precious time is wasted left standing like lemons? I would really hate to muck someone about who I cared about (hell, I like to show basic decency to all my fellow humans) , I cannot comprehend people who are all 'its so hard for me to be on time' without a thought for how hard it is for the people they continually let down and disappoint.

SileneOliveira · 15/04/2019 07:32

if people are distancing themselves it could be because actually their health problems make them unable to cope with your lateness and that also isn’t their fault.

That was certainly the trigger for me ending my friendship with my former flaky friend. At the end of last year I was struggling hugely with a wide range of things, ended up on antidepressants after bursting into tears all over the poor GP. One of the issues which was putting my blood pressure through the roof and causing huge levels of anxiety was all the hassle every sodding tuesday with "friend" not responding to text messages about pick ups and constantly flapping and running late. When I started to feel better and more in control I ditched her, made my own arrangements and I feel a lot better for it.

And of course, former "friend" is one of those people who are always posting twee little memes on social medial about how they'll be there for anyone suffering with mental health issues. No she fucking won't because she'll be 30 minutes to an hour late when you ask to meet for a coffee and a chat.

People can be disorganised, flaky and constantly late if they wish, or because of whatever. But the rest of us don't have to be friends with them if we don't want to either.

Snog · 15/04/2019 08:07

Lateness really affects relationships for me. We never ever arrange to meet up with lovely SIL because she will be late by hours unfailingly. This is a real shame as we would love to see her more and to meet up when we are in London, her home town.

Another close friendship I have let drop because i am fed up with friend being late to everything we arrange.

SchoolOfLife2 · 15/04/2019 08:39

That's way too polarised. But the people I know who are obsessively punctual are in my experience some of the smuggest, judgiest people I know. They're always so busy being pleased with themselves for being so perfect that it doesn't leave a lot of flexibility for humanity or compromise. I'm thinking of a couple in particular who give short shrift to anyone who has any difficulty in life, and think people with mental health issues need to buckle up and get on with it (like them).

I agree.. as controversial as it sounds.. I’m always trying my hardest to be on time. I’m shocked at how people around me make it on time with minimal effort. I make it 15/20 mins late to everything. While I’m planning from day before.

It puts me off a lot of social interaction because I know I’m being judged so much for it. Sends me into panick mode whenever I have meet ups.

And even though I try my hardest... I tolerate a lot of mistakes and behaviour from others which to me are far more intentional than my lateness.. and they put far less efforts into relationships than I do..

Yet... they judge me and make out that they have their lives together and I’m a liability. Hate that. And this thread put me off further from social interactions that I had a meeting yesterday and I was absolutely panicking about being judged that I ended up more late than usual. Except the host was a lovely person who totally made it out to be ok and try to give me excuses, appreciated the effort I put, and that tells me a lot about her as a friend.

SchoolOfLife2 · 15/04/2019 08:41

So my advice for those of you who are chronically late and put off by this thread from meeting people.. try make your social interactions at home. Invite people to yours or go to theirs. Because then it’s not so bad to let them wait a bit.

FrancisCrawford · 15/04/2019 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Damntheman · 15/04/2019 09:44

Oh @romeo don't cry! Please don't consider yourself among those that most on this thread are talking about. You have crohns! Anyone who knows that will expect that you are subject to the whims of an unpredictable illness and this is not your fault. I have a friend with crohns and she can be as late as she likes (given she manages to let me know as soon as she can), and I hate lateness. She gets a pass because she can't help it. Please don't read this thread and think it's about you.

Earthakitty · 15/04/2019 09:59

I cannot bear lateness.
It's lazy , rude and utterly disrespectful.
I suggest in future you wait 10 minutes then leave.

ADHDme · 15/04/2019 10:13

Everyone is late sometimes, transport etc. I used to be often late - it would bother a good friend so she said we were meeting 15/30 minutes earlier than we actually were. IMO it's usually a trait someone can't help (best intentions and all that), they either underestimate the time they need, or get sidetracked by something else. It's rarely about the other person. I do think it is rude not to apologise profusely and keep the other person updated on your ETA - no excuse in the day of mobiles. If someone just rocked up and didn't apologise I would think less of them. I am late far less often these days.

ADHDme · 15/04/2019 10:18

I would never be late by hours if I was meeting one person. Good god no that would be highly inconsiderate. If it were a group where my presence wasn't essential then I might be. I often rock up late if I know there are going to be lots of babies/kids - why subject myself to that for longer than necessary , I must get back to my amazing childfree life

goingonabearhunt1 · 15/04/2019 11:14

People who are late are not just being rude to the person they're meant to be meeting. If they're stumbling into a film or show 15 mins late for example they are disturbing the entire audience. That is my personal pet peeve and is the reason I always arrive early for films to find my seat/get all my rustling etc. out the way long before the film starts.

Bignosenobum · 15/04/2019 11:22

Arrange to meet then message saying you are setting off and do the same yourself.

Aveeno2017 · 15/04/2019 11:25

My brother in law and sister in law are always late and they don't even apologise anymore...one of the worst times was when we were at my mother in laws for Xmas dinner they were told to be there at 2 O'clock all the dinner was ready they turned up at 3...by then we had sat down and eaten and they are theirs cold then they had the hump with us!! It's fucking rude.

Gribbie · 15/04/2019 11:51

Reading this thread has been a revelation. I’ve just completed several ADHD tests and come out strongly as inattentive subtype. As has my child - last 2 parent evenings - “He’s a bright boy but struggles getting it down on paper without me standing over him prodding him along”. I’m on time, barely, usually running 5 minutes late. I’m a bit shell shocked tbh. Reading the list of things adhd people do to try and organise themselves I was thinking “that’s just normal isn’t it”. I’m 46 years old. How did I not know this? I’m also dyslexic.

Snog · 15/04/2019 11:57

"Being late isn't about the other person" I hear this a lot and I find this so dismissive of the other person. Take responsibility for your actions if you Are constantly late fgs!

If you are late there are usually unpleasant consequences for the other person, consequences that you are responsible for have if you have made an arrangement and then broken it. It's effectively a social contract and if you break a contract you should try to make amends as best you can. I don't see people who are late trying to make amends for it very much which is one of the reasons why it comes across as selfish.

I wish that people who are persistently late would say this upfront when making social arrangements eg I don't mean to be late but I always am late and when I am it's not meant disrespectfully.

Then the other person would know what they were getting into and decide if they were happy to kill time for half an hour or more or not. If it was me I wouldn't make an arrangement in the first place if I knew someone would definitely be 15 mins late or more as I value my time too much.

AnnaComnena · 15/04/2019 12:53

people around me make it on time with minimal effort

How do you know it's minimal effort?

Please can we stop this 'oh, people who are on time don't have to make any effort, it's easy for them, etc etc.'

People who are on time, are on time because they make an effort to be on time! They think about all the things they need to do, what order they need to do them in, and how long each thing will take, and work out how much time they need to allow.

romeoonthebalcony · 15/04/2019 12:57

@Damntheman and @GreenTulips thank you for your kind words.

It would be nice if everyone understood how Crohn's can rule your life without the other ADD etc stuff but there are still people around who can't believe that fecal incontinence is a thing and that you ought to grow up, hold it in or take an immodium if you must (immodium is dangerous by the way for those who don't know if you have Crohn's, can cause a condition called toxic megacolon). ..and yes I'll admit that sometimes it is anxiety that causes that extra loo trip rather than disease activity but when you have had a lot of accidents in your time, you don't want to risk testing out if it is a false alarm. Interestingly, many people on the spectrum have bowel difficulties so I expect loo stuff may be part of their lateness too sometimes.

Mobiles have been quite a saviour for keeping people updated when late and also for the toilet finder apps :-)

Yabbers · 15/04/2019 13:26

If you have issues which cause lateness then don't make plans! It's unfair to the other person.

Sure. So because my DD is disabled and things can take 2 minutes or 20 depending on her muscles from one day to the next, I should just never be allowed to make any plans with people, or get us up two hours early just in case, god forbid, someone has to wait ten minutes for us. 🙄

If that's your attitude, I wouldn't want to make plans with you anyway.

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 13:32

Completely agree. I stop meeting friends who are perpetually late I can’t bear it

ADHDme · 15/04/2019 14:07

"Being late isn't about the other person"

Its not directed at the other person, it's not because you consider them less worthy. Although this is how it can feel to them / come across.

I think treating late people as 'oh it's them isn't it funny' isnt very helpful, but its more socially desirable. Its often do with a genuine inability to organise themselves. I think telling someone they were useless at organising themselves would not go down great.

Sadly yes it does cost the late person friendships.