To think always being late isn’t a quirky personality trait

[CorianderDestroysFamilies]

I’m meeting my friend today and I already know she’ll be late. Normally she’ll message me at the time we’re supposed to be meeting saying she’s just about to leave so I’ll be stood waiting for 15 minutes, one time she messaged saying she would be an hour late I was already at the meeting point with my DC so it was a waste of all our time.
Anyway I’ve just seen another funny meme about how someone will still be in the bath at the time they should be going out and how hilarious it all is. I just think things like this normalise lateness and justify people like it’s some sort of quirky, unavoidable character flaw when it’s actually really rude and makes people like me less likely to want to see you. So AIBU?

No because depression isn’t something that can be measured by a clock or a watch, unlike, y’know...time.

I still don’t get why someone who is persistently 20 mins (or whatever) late can’t take that into account. If they haven’t got time to be 20 mins late, make a later meet time or make apologies in advance that they won’t be able to attend.

After having one of my DC my anxiety went through the roof (diagnosed PTSD, GAD and depression) and someone being late would cause me to catastrophise the whole situation, panic and I could end up on the verge of tears thinking they didn’t like me and had stood me up. This would ruin the whole occasion and make me decline other invites for fear of it happening until I’d got over it. Thankfully I’m a lot better now although I still have my moments although I can usually talk myself down. So for those who are saying they have ADHD and it’s not their fault I would like to say that if people are distancing themselves it could be because actually their health problems make them unable to cope with your lateness and that also isn’t their fault.

Also I’ve seen a few PP ask and I’ve not seen an answer - if you are habitually late do you let those you’re meeting know so they can choose to be on time or also be half and hour late?

WALLISFRIZZ No because depression isn’t something that can be measured by a clock or a watch, unlike, y’know...time.

I still don’t get why someone who is persistently 20 mins (or whatever) late can’t take that into account. If they haven’t got time to be 20 mins late, make a later meet time or make apologies in advance that they won’t be able to attend.

You actually think ADHD is about being unable to tell the time? Right. Or maybe you’re just being deliberately, y’know... goady. Either way, charming. You do however appear to think it’s completely within the sufferer’s control. In which case you’re just, y’know... ignorant.

Hate being late really stresses me out so I try and build in extra slop in case of unforeseen things. DD has a diagnosis if dyspraxia and Dyscalculia, though we think the dyspraxia is incorrect and it’s hypermobility with ADHD, DS has dyslexia.

They do both struggle with time but have developed their own personal strategies to work round it . I think DD’s turning point was one day when I was so busy and distracted I chucked the dog in the car and drive off to school. Got about 50 yards when I realised it was eerily quiet in the car and something was missing. Went back and she was highly indignant but got to school on time and made sure she was always on time after that which stood her in good stead for College bus, which if she would have missed she’d have been up the creek.

I am sympathetic if someone does struggle and is a few minutes late. No one I know with exception of BIl (another late to own wedding is hugely late and I wouldn’t arrange to meet anyone who habitually is as itnwoukd annoy me too much and have enough friends who turn up on time.

Coriander That sounds like you had a really tough time. 💐 I'm so much better than I used to be, and yes I'll always let people know if I'm running late, because that would really be rude, and is entirely within one's control.

Just thought I’d answer the “but it’s can’t be everyone whose late that has ADHD”.....firstly over 2.5% of the adult female population has ADHD so if you have 50 friends/acquaintances at least one of them will have ADHD. Then there are those with other conditions that might make you late like OCD or depression. Clearly there are some terrible narcissistic people out there who are late just because they don’t care....you know your friend best, if they are otherwise a kind caring thoughtful person I doubt they are being late on purpose.

Also, pre medication if you had offered me £1000000 to be on time I probably wouldn’t have been - I have lost jobs, missed planes and failed exams for being late. Things I really cared about.

It’s not a case of can use the internet can do life. I can’t do routine learnt behaviours at all well. Everything every time is done almost like the first time each time, unless o can get it into muscle memory. Take getting dressed, talking to my NT husband this is something he just does. He does lay his clothes out in advance if he needs to be on time but that’s it. He always does it the same way, boxers, socks, shirt, trousers, belt, watch. Brush hair. It’s a simple routine. Me, I can lay my clothes out but then I forget and get some new ones out, then I don’t know which first bra or nickers....or is it deodorant, which would make more sense....I’m not sure...... Do I do socks then trousers or trousers then socks....maybe i should sit down to put my socks on, one sock on, oh I haven’t got my trousers on yet, stand up, trousers, top, oh look there’s an earring on the floor, I should put it away or it might get hoovered....I haven’t hoovered this week....this week is mums birthday, I need to get a card, let’s look in the desk.....fall over as my trousers fall down as I didn’t do them up...bandage hand, argh it’s my leave now alarm...run out door hair undone.....and I don’t realise Im only wearing one sock until my boss tells me at work. I have signs telling me how to get dressed on my wall to avoid this...I’m 32

I know it’s hard for NT people to get. There was a mum of a teen with ADHD at our latest ADHD group and she was talking about the difficulties with getting him to remember to take his medication. She had offered him a new xbox of he took it for a month. He forgot. She couldn’t understood as he really wanted the x box. I couldn’t get across to her that it’s not lack or motivation or weakness of character or any of those things. YOU CANT MAKE MORE NEUROTRANSMITTERs IN YOUR BRAIN BY WANTING IT MORE!!!!!! You either accept you won’t ever be on time, take medication to increase neurotransmitter numbers (actually they block reputable) or develope specific ADHD bombproof strategies to help or do all three.

Is being late habitually is a sign of disrespect? (assuming the person does not have a significant disability). I think it is. Everyone can be late on occasion if something urgent or unexpected crops up, but if you know the person is going to be late when you make the arrangement, then they don't feel bad, otherwise they wouldn't let it become a habit. I suppose being kind, it could be a habit of unawareness. If someone starts off meeting on time and then becomes late, definitely disrespect.

Don’t touch the tree...

You haven’t answered any questions that I’m actually trying to understand

Example...you are regularly 30 mins late, it costs you jobs, friends, missed trains etc.

Someone suggests a meet time of 11am, you agree it and desperately try to meet your friend at 11am. You are again 30 mins late. Friend is utterly fed up.

My question is why are you trying to get there for 11am and not 10.15 (or 10 or 9.45) to allow for your lateness? And if you are so unable to commit to a time, why keep agreeing them and leaving people standing? ( not necessarily you personally).

Because our brain knows it's really 11!!

I’m not late by the same amount each time (and I would like to add I’m not late on meds which kind of suggests it’s not got anything to do with my strategies but with my brain chemicals). It may come as a surprise but I did aim to be early really early in fact and I was just as late! The best strategy for me was to make appointments after another thing so I would see friends after the cinema on my own or something so that I could be late to the cinema but then on time to the friends....but the meet had to be right next to the first event or i would mess it up again....for me the only thing that has worked is medication. I can focus on the task in hand like getting dressed or catching a train and actually do it. Any task that requires prioritisation and time sense and also happens in a distracting environment is basically impossible if you lack the neural ability to prioritise, focus and keep to schedule. You can cover so far with intelligence and effort - work everything out from first principles each time as to what is more important, work faster and harder so that you cover for the time sense and the distractability but you will have a breaking point...when you spend all of your time trying to organise your time, you never actually get anything done.....

Oh and I rarely do meet people. After all the criticism of me and my slightly odd and not neuro typical behaviour I don't like to go out anymore as I have anxiety that I'll be judged for being me

WallisFrizz pre diagnosis and medication, I’d have agreed to meet at 11 with every intention of doing so, then on the day, time beforehand would just evaporate. No idea where it went or how it had got to 1045, but all of a sudden I’d have a half hour drive to meet my friend in 15 mins. 🙈

I’d apologise profusely, make up excuses or say something about traffic, because saying what I’ve just said to you above just sounded ridiculous. I couldn’t make sense of it and didn’t expect anyone else to either.

I wouldn’t ever have tried to get there for 1045 because I always totally believed I’d be there for 11, but unfortunately some disaster would befall me on the day, every time.

It’s like Imnotmad said, you could offer me £1m, I still couldn’t do certain things and wouldn’t be able to explain why. I knew how to do things, how to get places on time, but couldn’t for the life of me manage it sometimes.

This diagnosis and medication completely changed my life.

I know someone who is habitually late. Just chats in work, aware of meeting time but thinks that keeping person in next meeting waiting makes him seem more important. No stress or consequences for him whatsoever.

My uncle is perpetually late so we tell him to be where he should an hour early. I find it rude & frustrating. But then it’s made me OCD about time and I’d rather be an hour early than a minute late.

My values are: Be tolerant of others. Be kind. I'd rather have a friend who was kind, patient and tolerant and didn't take every opportunity to lord it over others, than someone who is sat there tapping their fingers and getting cross at someone because of a few minutes late.

The thread has lots of stories where people are HOURS late (not a few minutes which is acceptable). If you are running late then kindness would be to text the person you are meeting as soon as you know you're going to be late or at least at the meeting time.
There's a few posters who say that they turn up extra early and wait nearby until it's time to meet. That effort is considerate and commendable.

Glad things have improved for you DoNotTouchTheTree.

Immeasurably DocofChoc, thank you.

My husband always says how rude it is to be late and how lazy people are when they are late but is always without fail late when I want us to do a family activity, even to the extent of asking what time we are leaving in the morning then still being in bed at that time the following day while I have got both kids up and dressed, bags pcked, lunch made etc. Its infuriatingly rude. I also have a friend who is always late and uses her children as the reason every time. If you know it's going to take ages then get ready earlier.

Thank you @DoNotTouchTheTree - I’m glad you’re doing better and I think the fact you’re letting people know if you’re going to be late is all it takes. If someone lets me know before I’ve left that they’ll be late then I can relax and take my time too, it’s when I’m already there and I get a message or no message at all and they just come swanning in half and hour late like it’s no big deal.

Being late is a form of control.

That can be true. I used to work with a manager who never wore a watch, and would turn up at meetings whenever he felt like it because he said nothing ever happened till he got there.

Tolerating lateness, or even perceiving it as a problem, is partly cultural. In my husband's culture, people who were on time for social events would be perceived as strange, it is typical to show up one to two hours late even for a restaurant, but that's because meals go on for hours and hours. Even appointments are typically running late, so everyone knows this. It isn't a culture that prizes efficiency to be honest.

Coriander I do think it would just help if before you leave the house to meet her you ask

“I’m about to leave the house now, are you leaving too?”

Then she won’t have any excuse if she agreed she is leaving and then is late

the judgement on this thread has caused me to cry. I have add, dyslexia and crohn's disease so both brain issues and poonami issues might cause me to be late

Do I miss my own appointments and lose money? yes siree I do. Missed planes, private med appointments with cancellation fees etc etc

oh and there was all the money I wasted on psychoanalysis to understand my chronic lateness and disorganisation which the theories said must be due to unexpressed anger

Am I generally inconsiderate? Nope, will always be the one to park car respectfully, take time to help someone in trouble - and yes, that often causes me to be more late. I can't really explain distractability, it's like only the present moment matters and you can't process that someone else is waiting when you have an urgent matter in front of you

I think we have got to the point where it is understood that asking a dyslexic to read all day would cause extreme fatigue and distress. The same goes for asking someone with these distractability and time telling difficulties to be on time all day, focus and not be distracted, it is overwhelmingly exausting

Do I warn people - yes I do, I don't agree to meet people much on their own so I know people won't be left waiting somewhere alone. I always say I am coming at "ish" time, rather than exact. I refuse any invitations that need accuracy. I do work that doesn't involve meetings etc so I don't let anyone down. I look at my friends who can do organised and on time in awe and wonder. I have a few talents in specific areas that are coveted but I would give it all up just to be able to be normal and have a life where I could be average and on time