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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
Alaria44 · 13/04/2019 10:52

I am sorry that you had to find your own way in life at 16. That must have been terribly tough. It saddens me greatly that you had to do that to survive. Although no judgement or shaming you here, you did what you had to do.

Perhaps having a totally different life and children of your own has brought this all up for you and maybe you just want to talk about it?

It's completely up to you if you tell your DP. I do agree that if he had a relatively normal upbringing, he would struggle to understand maybe? But you know him best.

Flowers
Divgirl2 · 13/04/2019 10:53

@incrediblysadtoo It sounds like you had a supportive home life and were well equipped for coping as an adult. Not everyone has that luxury.

SuperSara · 13/04/2019 10:54

Many of us have done or said things we regret - that's life. We learn from our mistakes but it's not compulsory to share them.

Absolutely this.

In just the same way that if your DP previously used prostitutes it’s something that’s in the past and should stay there.

MIA12 · 13/04/2019 10:55

Personally, yes, I think someone you’re going to have sex with is entitled to know you are/were a sex worker.

I agree with this and do really think you should have told him before sleeping together. Being a sex worker is risky in terms of sexual health and I would want to know if a man had that sort of history before I slept with him.

I also wouldn’t be able to hide such a big secret from my partner.

formerbabe · 13/04/2019 10:55

She didn’t do what she had to do. There were other options, she chose this option. She was 16/17 and it was an option made easy to her, she shouldn’t have been in the position where she was mskung that choice, but it was still a choice

Biscuit
IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 10:55

That sounds like a good plan, OP

I would still advise counselling though because you will naturally have a lot of grief and anger that you were put in that terrible position. Flowers

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:56

incrediblysadtoo

A part of that is right. Looking back now as a stable adult I could have made another choice. I now know I could have possibly gone to a local council etc but at the time I was very naive and honestly to me it felt like the only choice. I didn't have that luxury of being able to go back home. There no longer was a " home" if it could have ever even be called that lol

OP posts:
Langrish · 13/04/2019 10:56

Will anyone benefit from him knowing?

For context, I think infidelity is the lowest of the low and if someone had affairs or did sex work secretly whilst in a relationship, that’s unforgivable.
But this was years ago, before you met him. Many people have multiple sexual partners, pregnancies, terminations before they settle down. Is that the business of their life partner? No, of course it isn’t.
You were a vulnerable youngster, some would say still a child then, effectively forced into what you had to do to survive, it was a different life. He loves the woman he met after you had moved on and I think that’s all that counts. No, nothing for anyone to be gained by anyone in telling him.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2019 10:56

I agree. Leave it in past with him.
For OP congratulations on your upcoming wedding and beautiful DC.
Please get some counselling privately it is best to deal with the hurt and abandoned feelings, these feelings have a way of creeping up on you, if you don't get the tools to dismantle them. Flowers

Missingstreetlife · 13/04/2019 10:56

There most be a reason you haven't said before, is that reason still valid? Why do you want to say now, will it rock the boat? If so do yo want to marry him?
If it's hurting you to keep a secret that's different from feeling obligation. Having kids is a bigger commitment than getting married.
Listen to your gut op, do the list with positive one side and negative on the other. Have some counselling if it will help. Own your decision, and move on. Have a lovely wedding.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 13/04/2019 10:56

I'm quite disgusted by the answers here. You were 16 OP, and reading between the lines he'd no family support. You were vulnerable and did what you had to do to survive. People calling it "wild" and acting like you did it for kicks are sickening to be honest. You have nothing to feel guilty about and should be able to tell your partner about your past. Well done for doing what you had to do to get tour life on track and making such a huge success of yourself. You should be so proud. Your history is just that and you should be proud of everything you've done to get to where you are.

almondykess · 13/04/2019 10:57

I'm disgusted by the people saying that you had a responsibility to disclose it on the first date. What the hell? Someone is an escort for less than a year at the age of 16, and has presumably been tested as STI free, and should wear it like a red letter for the rest of their life?? I'm absolutely stunned--do you live in the sixteenth century or something?

Whereareyouspot · 13/04/2019 10:57

You should have told him years ago when it started becoming clear it was a relationship

I would leave my DH if I found this out about him now, as much based on the fact he hasn’t told me all that time ago as what it represents.

You shouldn’t be ashamed of the choices you made but you should have acknowledged that it is an area other people may have quite clear views on and given him the opportunity to make an informed decision about if he wanted to be with you and raise a family etc.
Chances are at that time he would have worked it out in his head.

Now? Not so easy. It’s not an oversight it’s a clear avoidance of not mentioning a hugely part of your life (yes only a year but let’s be honest it’s a big deal)

So for that reason if you value your relationship I’d actually keep it quiet now but I’d hate to live knowing I was effectively lying to my partner. Looks like you can live with it tho.

Tinkoschminko · 13/04/2019 10:57

You were 16 and out of options. There’s nothing to be ashamed of - far from it. If you want to, you should. How anyone could judge 16 year old for that is beyond me.

AfterSchoolWorry · 13/04/2019 10:58

No. Just lock that compartment of your mind and forget it.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:58

MIA12

I had had sexual health checks, I knew i was 100% "clean" I never would have never risked that.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 10:58

You seem to be confusing "sex work" with abuse of a homeless minor.

No, I was answering this question...

How exactly does having spent time in sex work, entitle a new casual partner to your life’s details?

almondykess · 13/04/2019 10:59

Would PP also apply the same standards to men? Do you expect prospective male partners to tell you exactly how many people they've slept with so you can reject them if it's over 5? Sorry for the rant, but I'm absolutely shocked.

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/04/2019 10:59

I think the time to tell him that was in the early days of the relationship, it's too late now. Time to let sleeping dogs lie I think. It was a long time ago.

Loopytiles · 13/04/2019 11:00

Don’t tell. Not worth the risk.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/04/2019 11:01

Bless your heart. You were so young. Hugs to that 16yo you. If you ever feel as if it’s something weighing on you better to get counselling than tell your dp if you feel your dignity may be compromised. Shame on your parents and shame on those men. Flowers

ArabellaDoreenFig · 13/04/2019 11:01

So as a homeless and vulnerable 16 yr old you were used by men for money. That is their shame not yours

I would leave it in the past where it belongs. Look forward together instead

^^ This

And some of the attitudes on this thread demonstrate why Labours current attitude normalising ‘sex work’ is a terrible idea. Selling your body for sex is not empowering, it’s far from it. It’s not a fucking choice, it’s desperate women and children.

formerbabe · 13/04/2019 11:01

Surely if the op was under the age of 18, the state should have taken responsibility for her, her housing situation etc. I know in reality, ss wouldn't be very interested in a 16/17 year old, but still.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 11:02

@Incrediblysadtoo Your post to the OP is irresponsible and victim-blaming. She was a 16 year-old child with no family support. What good can come of telling her she “chose” to become an escort? She can hardly go back in time and change things, can she.

That shaming attitude is horrible, frankly.

Langrish · 13/04/2019 11:03

whereareyouspot

What it represents? What’s that, then?

A lonely, vulnerable young woman, child, without support and no real choice after a desperate upbringing but to do what she was forced to do to survive for a short period of time before having the strength to turn her life around.
Presumably not a situation you ever found yourself in.
You’d leave your husband because of a situation he’d forced into before he met you and left behind long ago? Seriously?
Please, don’t consider going into social work or counselling.