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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 11:03

Exactly what @Mummyoflittledragon said. ❤️

damnthatoneistakenagain · 13/04/2019 11:05

@IncrediblySadToo I don't even know where to START with your comments! Confused

vampirethriller · 13/04/2019 11:05

No.
And it will have no effect on custody of children. I should know, I was too and I've got my child sitting beside me.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 11:05

@Whereareyouspot

Your last two sentences. WTAF. Give your head a wobble.

Notverygrownup · 13/04/2019 11:06

I don't think that you should feel that you need to tell him op. He loves you for being the woman who you are now. The decisions that you made when you were still a child should not define you now, and although I would normally advocate honesty, I can entirely see why you did not want him to see you in this way as you made a new start in life. You made a fresh start and wanted him to know you now, as you are. Which he does. You are the person that he loves. This was all over half a lifetime ago. You must have done so many more things that make you the person you are now.

And ... a retrospective hug for the little girl who found herself in that position. Go ahead with your life, love, and be happy This x 100 – plus respect from me for the woman who was able to move on from that year and make a new life for herself. So many girls/women in sex work aren’t able to do that, for many reasons.
As a pp said, is it worth the risk of ruining your happiness for something that happened a long time ago? You are uncertain about how he will react. Unless you decide that you want to tell him, for you. You are a survivor, open minded, loving. If you decide that you don’t want to be married to someone who might belittle you, or think badly of you, or other women who find themselves in the same position, then you have the right to tell him, and to kick him out if he turns out to be judgemental/unkind/unable to love you as you are!

Cherylshaw · 13/04/2019 11:07

@almondykess
I wouldn't care how many people they had slept but would expect to know if he had been having sex for money at some point in his life
I don't judge anyone who does what they have to do or anyone who works in the sex industry.

BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 11:09

But it shows how women still view other women.

So true.

Langrish · 13/04/2019 11:09

whereareyouspot

“Looks like you can live with it tho.”

Missed that last, completely unnecessary, gem. Compassion personified 🙄

Nomorepies · 13/04/2019 11:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Nearlyadad · 13/04/2019 11:13

What a tough start to adult life the OP has had. I’d like to think that if my wife had been through similar, and she wanted to tell me as it was defining/formative part of her life and was/is still affected by it, and she wanted to share it with me, then of course I’d want to know and I’d be understanding about it. Otherwise it’s not really my business.

However as my wife hasn’t told me something like this I can’t say with 100% certainty that this how I would act or how I would have acted when we met.

OP it all depends on why you feel you need to tell him. If you’re happy to have left this all in the past then I’d be tempted to not bring it up, rather than telling him just because you feel he “should” know for his benefit.

BoglingToAswad · 13/04/2019 11:13

@Whereareyouspot

That is one of the most ignorant and judgemental posts I ever seen.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 13/04/2019 11:13

Fuck no

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 11:15

Unless you claimed he was your first relationship, it doesn't matter whether you got paid or not, as long as you had a full health check up once you finished that "line of work". As long as a woman is coerced or under the influence of drugs/alcohol, accepting money for sex is a private matter imho, if it was enough admit it, many of us would (now or in the past).

ForalltheSaints · 13/04/2019 11:18

You were a victim as a child. I don't think you should tell him.

lillymunster · 13/04/2019 11:19

Don't say anything. It's your past and none of his business. You will get it thrown back in your face at some point, along with the bit about how you kept a "massive secret" for so long. I guarantee he hasn't told you everything about his past, you're not under any obligation. If you have no health consequences as a result, there's no reason it's any of his business. Men clearly keep a lot of things quiet - how many admit to their partner that they've ever paid for sex in the past? Certainly not many, but it clearly happens a lot. I can't see how he'd ever find out anyway, I don't think it would ever come up unless you mention it and I have a feeling that you'd instantly regret doing so. It's better left in the past, it can do no good now.

Mintychoc1 · 13/04/2019 11:21

Unless the secrecy is burdening you OP, I wouldn’t tell him.

I know it’s not the same but I had a pregnancy termination at age 19. I’m 51 now, in a long term relationship, and of course I’ve had several seriously relationships since it happened. I’ve never told any of them, because it’s irrelevant to my life now.

Also you just never know how people will react to a “controversial” past event, and they can never understand your thinking at the time as they weren’t there.

This aspect of your past has no bearing on your future, so I would bury it.

PineapplePatty · 13/04/2019 11:21

I think that ship has sailed.

Congratulations on your engagement.

How2Help · 13/04/2019 11:23

And i disagree with pp that are saying that your dp has no right to know, that's just stupid of course he has a right to know, he is choosing to spend the rest of his life with you.

How is it stupid? What do you think he should do if she tells him? What will be different for him because he knows?

Poppy43 · 13/04/2019 11:23

No need to justify something that happened so long ago. No need to justify at all. You did did something believing it was your only option to survive. Well done for breaking away from it xx

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 11:24

Little late now given their are children involved.

You should have told him prior to making that commitment so that he went into it knowing all the facts.

I disagree that the last has nothing to do with a new partner, of course it does. Some won't be bothered by past activities but many will.

ShaggyRug · 13/04/2019 11:25

Nope don’t tell. It’s your past and you don’t have to share everything from your past with future partners.

You made sure you were sexually healthy before you were with him so you’ve already protected him from your past. Let it go now and consign it to you being a very different person back then. You were a child who did what you felt necessary to survive. It had no bearing on who you are now and doesn’t need to be shared unless you truly wanted to fit yourself.

There are things I did as a child/young stupid adult that are so stupid looking back but they are not who I am now and I’ve no reason to ever discuss them again.

CocoaButtaMama · 13/04/2019 11:27

As a former escort myself - I have learned the hard way that men cannot handle this in a long term partner. I have confided in men who said they loved me, even met men at kinky events, and had them do an emotional 360, and ride away on a high horse! It will always come up and even if it doesn’t, they treat you different, and think certain bad behaviours are now acceptable in your relationship. Men cannot get their heads around it.
If you love him, you’ll protect his fragile Male ego. I know it’s sad but you can confide in forums and saafe should you need to vent xxx good luck for your bright future, sending love xxx

HotpotLawyer · 13/04/2019 11:27

IncrediblySadToo
Personally, yes, I think someone you’re going to have sex with is entitled to know you are/were a sex worker.

....If you think someone’s past is their business you have to be happy for them not to disclose time spent in prison, having children, charges of DV, being out on the sex offenders register, anything...”

Being the victim of sex exploitation as a minor, when in an incredibly vulnerable position is NOTHING LIKE any of the examples you give.

And it’s all very well to say you managed at 17, from a home background that you could return to. Do you not understand that not everyone knows they have options, or believes that anyone can or will help them? That some people have been (not) brought up to believe they don’t even deserve help, and that they are worthless?

I don’t know the extent of the OP’s circumstances but neither do you.

So quit being judgey over her life, judgey over women who have not had a life that involves sex in different circumstances.

Many people who have been subject to CSA (child sexual abuse) are unable to tell anyone for years. Should they feel guilty for not telling a partner, too?

wisequartet · 13/04/2019 11:28

OP I had a very similar experience (homeless and got into prostitution at 17) I'm not saying this to hi-jack the thread but to let you know that I understand your dilema. I am single but I often wonder if, when I meet a partner, I would tell them. I flip between thinking that I would want to tell them so that I was being fully authentic and we might become closer over it vs thinking that I should tell them (even if I might not want to) because they deserve to know. I don't think the later is a good reason to disclose, the former perhaps is. This is all speculative for me though! But I hope it resonates with you!

daisychain01 · 13/04/2019 11:28

Lovely there is no need to feel shame. There are things that are best left in the past. You had a very difficult time at the age of 16, no need to beat yourself up about it.

You are a different woman, you have a lot to be proud of for getting through and coming out the other side. You don't need to define yourself by your past. Let it go and be happy with your family, you deserve happiness.