Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
TrixieFranklin · 13/04/2019 10:44

How would you feel if it was the other way around and he told you now that he had worked as a male escort for a year in similar circumstances?

Divgirl2 · 13/04/2019 10:44

Don't tell him, you don't need to and I have no idea why you'd even want to.

You did what you had to do, it worked out well for you (ie. You didn't starve, you weren't murdered, you got yourself out of that situation). Personally I think you should be so proud of how far you've come. You survived when the odds were stacked against you, but part of surviving is knowing when you've got it good and when not to rock the boat.

PinaColadaPlease · 13/04/2019 10:45

I probably wouldn’t tell him now but I don’t think you should feel guilty about keeping it a secret.

The only reason I wouldn’t say anything is because I would be furious and it would change my feelings for my DP if I was judged for it.

What you did as a single 16 year old is of no consequence to your life now.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 10:45

HotPot

Personally, yes, I think someone you’re going to have sex with is entitled to know you are/were a sex worker.

PP I do think your life history is important to be honest about when you’re getting into a serious relationship. Saying what’s in your past has nothing to do with your partner, to me, is beyond comprehension. It’s what makes you, you. Whatever it is. If you think someone’s past is their business you have to be happy for them not to disclose time spent in prison, having children, charges of DV, being out on the sex offenders register, anything...

Hopoindown31 · 13/04/2019 10:45

As others have said you should have told him before. This isn't the same as just having an 'interesting' sexual history.

SofaSurfer20 · 13/04/2019 10:46

No no no!!!

llangennith · 13/04/2019 10:46

No definitely not. You did what you did to survive as best you could at that age. No-one has any actual proof so even if something came out it's deniable.
Some things are best kept to oneself.
Well done for getting through it and making a life for yourself and a better life for your DS than you had.

damnthatoneistakenagain · 13/04/2019 10:46

@LovelyIssues

Definitely don't tell him. It's not lying or deceitful because you have not done anything since you met him. It's
in the past, and there it should stay.

I did things before I met my husband that he doesn't know about (a few 'wild' things,) and there is no need for him to know about it, as it was before we met.

I am not ashamed of anything, it's just that it's irrelevant and nothing to do with him.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/04/2019 10:46

Do you feel okay with him not knowing?

I think I'd worry constantly that he'd find out and that would mean I'd have to tell him. But if you are lucky enough not to have an overactive imagination like mine, and there's no way he'll find out from anyone else, you're so far down the line now that little can be gained from telling him.

Cherylshaw · 13/04/2019 10:46

A lie of omission is just as bad imo. It is obviously your choice to tell your partner but i wouldn't be surprised even if he is open minded that he will be upset you never told him to begin with.
And i disagree with pp that are saying that your dp has no right to know, that's just stupid of course he has a right to know, he is choosing to spend the rest of his life with you.

damnthatoneistakenagain · 13/04/2019 10:46

@LovelyIssues

Definitely don't tell him. It's not lying or deceitful because you have not done anything since you met him. It's in the past, and there it should stay.

I did things before I met my husband that he doesn't know about (a few 'wild' things,) and there is no need for him to know about it, as it was before we met.

I am not ashamed of anything, it's just that it's irrelevant and nothing to do with him.

nothinglikeadame · 13/04/2019 10:46

Depends how much this secret is weighing on you, and there is also the chance, no matter how small, that you will bump into a former client.

I hate this 'before we get married ' stuff, as if getting an official , legal certificate that is easy to get out of is a more of a commitment then buying a house together or having kids.

At the first signs of your relationship being serious, you should have discussed it then.

If I was your DP I would be upset that you had kept this a secret for so long. The actual escorting wouldn't be an issue, that is the past.

I would tell him and be prepared for the repercussions.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2019 10:46

The shame belongs to the men who had sex with a young, poor girl. It also belongs to that so-called friend. It belongs to your family, too, that you had to leave when you were so vulnerable and that you couldn't call on them for help. And it belongs to society for not having safe places for young vulnerable children to live in if they can't live at home.

It doesn't belong to you at all.

I would not tell him. I wouldn't want to relive those years as I told him. I wouldn't think it was his business what I did before I met him. If he had a relatively normal and safe upbringing it's likely he could never understand the way you felt then. It's not your job to educate him.

I'm glad you got away from that life and that you're happy now.

Flowers
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/04/2019 10:46

Don't do it.

letsdolunch321 · 13/04/2019 10:47

We all have a past chapter, that was how you survived back then.

Your partner does NOT need to know, there is no point in telling him.

Appreciate life has turned around for you

letsdolunch321 · 13/04/2019 10:47

And be thankful for that 💐

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:48

Thankyou everyone. We have an amazing life together and 2 beautiful healthy DC. The main thing I learnt from that year is how my babies will never find themselves in that position. I will protect and home them for as long as they need and listen and support. Unfortunately I had none of those things and was forced to grow up quick. I didn't have a colourful past, just no love or support from parents. Smile I think I will go with the majority and leave it in the past

OP posts:
over50andfab · 13/04/2019 10:49

I agree with posters saying leave it in the past, where it deserves to be left. And you don’t need to feel guilty in the slightest, just so sorry you had to go through that, and all respect to you for doing what you felt you needed to to survive.

I guess if not telling him is eating you up inside you should consider it? Also, just a small point, but do you think he has told you every detail of his past?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2019 10:49

Personally, yes, I think someone you’re going to have sex with is entitled to know you are/were a sex worker

You seem to be confusing "sex work" with abuse of a homeless minor.

NataliaOsipova · 13/04/2019 10:50

Many of us have done or said things we regret - that's life. We learn from our mistakes but it's not compulsory to share them.

These are very wise words. You were a vulnerable child at the time - and your life has moved on. Enjoy the now and don’t focus on the past.

TwistinMyMelon · 13/04/2019 10:51

If you were 16, you weren't a prostitute. You were a victim of child sex exploitation.

InsertFunnyUsername · 13/04/2019 10:51

I wouldn't, but for the same reason i wouldn't go into detail about the sex i had before i met DP. Think of it like that OP, rather than a big secret. You should not feel guilty.

There are many things people dont tell their partners about that happened in the past. Abortion/miscarriage/rape/sexual assault/fights. Does not mean you are keeping secrets, your partner doesn't need to know everything imo 🤷🏼‍♀️

IncrediblySadToo · 13/04/2019 10:51

She didn’t do what she had to do. There were other options, she chose this option. She was 16/17 and it was an option made easy to her, she shouldn’t have been in the position where she was mskung that choice, but it was still a choice.

I left home at 17, admittedly by choice and I could have gone home anytime, but I paid my rent & bills without choosing to be an escort.

I’m not judging her for her choice, but equally it WAS a choice, not something she HAD to do simply because at 17 she wasn’t living at home.

woollyheart · 13/04/2019 10:52

I think he would feel tormented that you were taken advantage of.

If you need help addressing your own guilt from that era, don't burden him with it. Maybe get some counselling? You shouldn't feel guilty now - the men who took advantage should, and of course, they don't.

damnthatoneistakenagain · 13/04/2019 10:52

As someone said earlier, what if you break up (in 5-10 years) and he tells everyone?

I have told people confidential stuff in the past, and confided in them my deepest darkest secrets, and my fears, and bad things that have happened (that have upset me.) Then when we fell out, they told other people.

I never tell ANYONE private and personal stuff now. Not a soul. There will always be one person who will use it as a weapon against you in the future if things goes wrong, to 'get back at you' and upset you.

LovelyIssues DON'T TELL HIM!

Swipe left for the next trending thread