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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:

AngelsSins · 14/04/2019 16:35

I wonder how many men agonise over telling a partner that they’ve used prostitutes in the past? Do they also have a duty to confess, or is it just the job of desperate women to carry shame and guilt?

Original poster

LovelyIssues · 14/04/2019 19:13

@bluegreygreen this is so true I think it has somehow shaped me. I'm definitely very understanding, open minded and will always make sure my babies know I have their back and they are safe and so loved. But it has also made me view men differently perhaps and always been conscious of not being someones piece of meat

OP posts:

Original poster

LovelyIssues · 14/04/2019 19:15

And a lot of you are right. It is my past, it's not having a negative effect on my life in terms that I need him to know to maybe explain a behaviour. And it was long before I met him so best left in the past. I had never even thought about seeing a therapist/counsellor. Perhaps I do need to

OP posts:

R2G · 14/04/2019 19:19

No. There's no need to at all.

ltk · 14/04/2019 19:28

Only tell him of you feel it would help you in some way - because you think he would help you move past the abuse or become closer as a couple/understand each other better. Otherwise, no. Congratulations on your engagement.

WineGummyBear · 14/04/2019 19:31

Hang on this happened when you were 16?

So basically you were sexually abused as a child?

Completely up to you how you deal with this in my opinion.

ltk · 14/04/2019 19:33

Oh, and you may choose to tell him a year or 5 or 20 in the future, because for some reason it becomes important to you then. That is also fine. This is not your last chance to speak up or stay quiet! Equally if you never need to or want to mention it again, that is your choice to make.

FishFace2019 · 15/04/2019 10:31

FWIW I do think impending marriage can force a lot of issues to the surface. You can feel like you have to disbursements yourself. I felt the same and I did in fact do so and DH couldn’t have been less bothered. But I suspect if I hadn’t said anything I’d have forgotten about it eventually. It’s the pressure of the impending wedding and once that’s gone it may well all be water under the bridge again.

FishFace2019 · 15/04/2019 10:32

Disbursements yourself? God. Meant to say “disburden yourself”. In fact if my grammar wasn’t shot to shit I would have said “unburden yourself”.
Anyway. You get the idea.

LettuceLeave · 15/04/2019 10:36

No, I wouldn't. Unless however it's eating away at you...Then I would tell him.

MaybeDoctor · 15/04/2019 11:09

Don't tell. I feel deeply sorry that you were in that position. My parents threatened to withdraw support from me around the same age and it was a scary place to be.

The reason I say that you should not tell is that, simply: facts like this hang around. People find out and don't forget, even decades later.

A much-loved family member (now dead) did something slightly questionable a long time ago. Nothing criminal and no-one was harmed, but it was definitely eyebrow-raising and would have been disapproved-of at the time. But if you can apply an ounce of humanity, you understand why they might have been tempted to do it.

This piece of information was thrown at me by someone who was angry, in an attempt to damage that person's reputation in my eyes. It doesn't change my feelings about them, but I can't ever unhear it if you know what I mean? It was kept quiet for decades then used as a weapon, intended to hurt.

I was told this information shortly after their death in the mid 2000s. When did this supposed misconduct take place? World War Two :(.

HBStowe · 15/04/2019 11:43

I don’t think it’s something you should be ashamed of - you were surviving, that’s all. But I wouldn’t tell him. It’s not who you are now, it’s not relevant to your present life. It’s ok for the past to stay in the past.

Nesssie · 15/04/2019 11:47

No. Its very likely he won't be able to get over a)the prostitution and b) the years of not telling him.
You are too far in now, put it behind you.

Barbie222 · 15/04/2019 11:48

Do you think that there is any chance it could come to light? A third party / ex client getting in touch?

Capri0 · 15/04/2019 15:42

I think it depends on how open-minded he is. You know him best though so if you think that telling him won't change the way he feels about you or change his attitude towards your relationship, I would tell him. I don't think you should feel obliged to tell him though, it's part of your past and you don't have to always share everything with your partner. I have parts of my past that I am not particularly proud of which I haven't (and most probably never will) share with my partner but that's not because he wouldn't understand my reasoning or judge me for my choices but because it is part of MY story and I would like to keep it to myself.
Honestly, though, I don't think you should feel guilty if you don't tell him. Congratulations on the wedding and wish you happiness in your marriage

MrsBethel · 15/04/2019 16:15

Personally, I wouldn't tell him, and I wouldn't feel bad about it either.

It's not deceptive. You are allowed to move on.

Provincialbelle · 15/04/2019 16:18

How and why would he find out now? I did several despicable things 25 years ago that have haunted me since but they have no bearing on my current relationship and no way Oh would ever find out so why make meaningless hurt now?

Napqueen1234 · 15/04/2019 16:22

We all have secrets/a past. I was terrified some of this may come out when I took the drugs during labour 😂 if you’re happy, settled and in a great relationship but benefit is there to telling him? There’s no ongoing risk to him of STDs etc so I would just enjoy your life as it is now

Figure8 · 16/04/2019 12:46

I've been thinking about your situation a lot, and this may have been said.

We could argue the moralities of this all day long, and we will all never agree.

How would your PARTNER feel about you keeping a secret?
What have you both decided ( either implicitly or explicitly) about the boundary between secrecy and privacy?

It doesn't matter how much of a right you have to your past- if HE feels betrayed by the secret, it is well within his right to leave. Not because he's a misogynist or controlling, but because he may feel betrayed by the secret.

So... and I haven't read all the thread.... can you fish a bit? There's always something on tv about people's secret past coming back- maybe use that as a way to spark a conversation.

3timeslucky · 16/04/2019 13:03

How much time does any couple spend discussing the poor decisions they made in their teens? I've known my dh over 30 years, married for half that and there are all sorts of things from my younger life that I've never thought to talk to him about. They're irrelevant to us now.

So no, there's no reason to tell him about it now.

SaskiaRembrandt · 16/04/2019 13:23

IncrediblySadToo

So your situation was nothing like the OPs because you had the option to go home if you chose to.

OP, as other posters have said, it's in the past, and it's not something you should feel any shame or guilt about. You were young and vulnerable and people chose to exploit that. It sounds as though you've gone on to build a good life for yourself, be proud of that and put the past behind you. I hope your wedding goes well!

IdblowJonSnow · 16/04/2019 13:32

Keep schtum. It's firmly in the past and no ones business. for what I imagine wasn't a great time in your life.

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