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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
ginghamtablecloths · 13/04/2019 10:35

No, you don't. It's history now and anyone who's led a full life will have one. Yours may be a little more 'colourful' than most but it is still in the past. What if you told him and he couldn't accept it? Your relationship could end - just for the sake of not telling a little white lie.

Many of us have done or said things we regret - that's life. We learn from our mistakes but it's not compulsory to share them.

Lllot5 · 13/04/2019 10:35

I wouldn’t tell him. The only caveat to that is he likely to find out from anyone else. Then I’d tell.

azulmariposa · 13/04/2019 10:35

What do you think his reaction would be? You could put yourself in a situation where you could lose everything.
You've not told him before now, so why risk it all?
If you are compelled to tell him, then be prepared for the consequences.

HotpotLawyer · 13/04/2019 10:36

“You should have told him before you had sex with him, “

Why?
How exactly does having spent time in sex work, entitle a new casual partner to your life’s details?

Too many people viewing women who have been in this position as being obliged to issue a disclaimer. You wouldn’t tell a new partner very much about anything else, would you?

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:36

Thank you TheLastPharl. That makes me feel a lot better

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 13/04/2019 10:37

Whats done is done. Dont tell him - why would you - what good would it do... We have done done things before we met our partners and its in the past

TheSassyAssassin · 13/04/2019 10:37

No. This was a whole other life OP and I am guessing a long time ago. It has no bearing on who you are now. Unless it is causing you emotional difficulty that has the capacity to impact on your relationship with your DP or DCs, then it stays in the box marked "past". We all have a past but it doesn't always have to inform our future Flowers

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:37

I'm 90% sure he wouldn't find out from someone else. I've moved area have totally new friends and no family member knew

OP posts:
IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 10:38

No. If he had a nice normal supportive upbringing then he will struggle to understand.

You did what you had to. Nothing to be ashamed of BUT also it’s deep in your past and IMO he does not need to know at this stage.

Are you having counselling? You could tell a counsellor without fear of being judged or shamed. Flowers

Foxmuffin · 13/04/2019 10:38

Your OH loves you for who you are now. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and DH knows all. I didn’t bust a gut to tell him but where it was appropriate I did and he doesn’t care.

barryfromclareisfit · 13/04/2019 10:39

And ... a retrospective hug for the little girl who found herself in that position. Go ahead with your life, love, and be happy.

Wheresmyvagina · 13/04/2019 10:40

You don't owe him this information, keep it to yourself if you prefer. However it would be worrying if you were marrying someone who would judge you for your past.

TidyDancer · 13/04/2019 10:40

I wouldn't tell him. Not because you should be ashamed or feel guilty because you absolutely shouldn't. It was a part of your life that isn't 'active' now and has no baring on your relationship with your DH or DC. Unless you are struggling with it yourself or think he will find out some other way, I just wouldn't say a word.

HotpotLawyer · 13/04/2019 10:40

Oh for fuck’s sake.

This thread is making me do angry.

The majority of women in Dec work have not made a ‘mistake’ they have little other option.

They have not led a ‘colourful’ life like they went to raves, took ecstasy and nicked a road cone: they had no other option.

The OP was 16. A minor.

But it shows how women still view other women.

That’s what is shameful.

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2019 10:40

So as a homeless and vulnerable 16 yr old you were used by men for money. That is their shame not yours.

I would leave it in the past where it belongs. Look forward together instead.

recrudescence · 13/04/2019 10:40

Sometimes the past belongs in the past. You’ve put this behind you and moved on - leave it like that.

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 13/04/2019 10:41

I wouldn’t tell him, it was sixteen years ago, you have grown and changed and are a different person, certainly not recognisable to any men who knew you then. Which is where I would feel the need to disclose, if perhaps you knew that a colleague of his was an ex client (sorry I don’t know the right terms).

I’m so sorry that you were ever in this position! You did what you had to do to survive. You have a new life now, a fiancé that you love and two beautiful children. You know your fiancé, would this be a deal breaker for him? Would telling him your past make him see you differently? Are you concerned that someone knows and might use it against you or tell your fiancé?

You don’t owe your fiancé your past, you are who you are, your previous sexual history is not something that he needs to know. Unless it is likely to come up for some medical reason- which is clearly not the case given that you have already had two children with him.

If however, you feel uncomfortable keeping your past from him and this is likely to eat away at you, then it’s completely up to you what you do. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you were very young, very vulnerable and did what you had to do to survive! If your fiancé loves you, then I am sure he would understand! If he doesn’t and holds it against you, then like others have said, he doesn’t deserve you.

HotpotLawyer · 13/04/2019 10:41

“retrospective hug for the little girl who found herself in that position. Go ahead with your life, love, and be happy.”

This.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/04/2019 10:41

Yes a part of me does feel guilty about not telling him
Can you have some counselling then decide, like a pp, I'd feel only pity for you, A very young girl forced into a situation to afford to live.
It is your past, you done what was best at the time, I think most men would get the situation eventually.
You know your partner best, I think I could tell mine this, he would understand why I done it and kept it to myself, keeping it to yourself is very hard on you too.
Talk to a professional, trash out your feelings about it.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 13/04/2019 10:42

The time for telling him has long gone, you have a kid together. Leave it locked in the past.

SpamChaudFroid · 13/04/2019 10:42

If it's not really relevant to who you are now, then I wouldn't tell him, but only because you've been in the relationship for so long without disclosing it. Telling him after all this time could cause discord in your relationship.

Jackshouse · 13/04/2019 10:42

If you want to tell him then tell him. If you don’t want to tell him them don’t.

Foxmuffin · 13/04/2019 10:43

I’m disgusted by the comments that say OH “should” have told her OP. As someone else has said everyone has a past and this wasn’t a hobby for OP. She is not a possession and is perfectly entitled to keep details of her life before meeting her OH to herself if that’s what she’d prefer.
I have been a vulnerable teenager who has had some rough experiences. I’m now a well adjusted adult. But judgement doesnt help. It can be too painful to share these details and the fear of rejection too strong.
If you feel you’d like to tell him OP then do. I found it helped OH to understand me and my views on somethings. But he is also very open minded.

DoctorDread · 13/04/2019 10:44

Op ignore the nasty judgemental bollocks from madcatladyforever.

You were 16. You did what you needed to do to survive. It's in the past. Leave it there and live your best life Thanks

SkaTastic · 13/04/2019 10:44

Is it really bothering you not telling him? I personally can't keep things hidden and would tell. But I would be hopeful that my husband to be would see this situation for what it was - not a shameful secret that paints you in a bad light, but a situation you were coerced into when you were young and vulnerable.

Big hugs OP and good luck with the wedding!