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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
over50andfab · 13/04/2019 20:04

@agnurse if you RTFT the OP has tested for STIs...and tested clear. Plus she’s had DC since, so would have also most likely been tested.

From what I understand most sex workers are more careful about having safe sex and getting tested than the general population..

HopefulAgain10 · 13/04/2019 20:09

I would only say something because these things come out. Somehow, somewhere something will make this come to light. And it's usually when you are in the best phase of your life.

Honestly op , I do think you should tell him. This is a big one to be deceitful about. If roles were reversed it's something you would want to know. The understanding around your age and circumstances will see you through it. Start your marriage off on a healthy, honest, foundation.

It might do irreparable damage if he finds out somehow. You do have nothing to be ashamed of. I hope you make the right decision for both of you. Best of luck.

shesgrownhorns · 13/04/2019 20:15

Are you telling him for his benefit, or for yours?

mineallmine · 13/04/2019 20:19

I wouldn't at this stage. If you were going to tell him, it should have been when you had that brief conversation about previous partners. Assuming that the people you and your DP surround you lives with don't know either, then I don't understand why you think you should. It's private and you're allowed to have privacy in a relationship.

It's none of his business to be honest. That's a closed chapter in your life.

And good for you for surviving what must have been very tough times and come out on top. You're a resilient woman.

amusedbush · 13/04/2019 20:23

No, I wouldn’t tell him. It wouldn’t achieve anything and he has no reason to know.

Tilikum · 13/04/2019 20:28

You were not a prostitute, this wasn't a choice you made as an adult. You were a vulnerable child who was groomed and abused over a period of months. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and I'm completely appalled at all the posts on this thread insinuating that this is some dirty little secret of yours. Plenty of women do not tell anybody that they were raped and (you'd hope) that they would get nothing but sympathy when they did finally trust somebody enough to talk about it. Your situation is the same.

I'm so sorry you went through this. As others have advised too, I recommend you look into therapy, just so that you can explore your feelings around that horrible period of your life with a nonjudgmental person.

Good luck

over50andfab · 13/04/2019 20:28

@HopefulAgain10 in what way is it deceitful? The OP hadn’t lied. From what the she has said they neither of them seem to have gone into great detail on their past. Some couples work like that...the past is the past.

We are all of us different. Some of us share every detail of our past with our partners, while others focus more on the person they know in the present. We tend to be shaped by our past experiences to be the person we are that our partner falls in love with now.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 20:39

Over50, the OP said We've briefly discussed previous partners, maybe I should have told him then, can you honestly say if you asked about past partners when getting serious and they failed to mention this you would be happy with your partner?

You can't make an informed choice re life partner if they hide information imo.

over50andfab · 13/04/2019 20:58

Exactly Icecream...they briefly discussed previous partners - ie in no great detail, as I guess for them it wasn’t that important.

Now for me, yes, it would be relevant, and I personally would probably want to know all about my partner’s past. But that’s me - not the OP and her partner. As I said....we are all different.

FishFace2019 · 13/04/2019 21:58

I don’t understand why you think this part of the op’s past has such salience, ice cream.
When she was in vulnerable circumstances she was exploited. That’s deplorable but she’s moved on and made a success of her life. Why is it so material that it has to be disclosed?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/04/2019 22:03

can you honestly say if you asked about past partners when getting serious and they failed to mention this you would be happy with your partner?

Men who pay to abuse vulnerable minors are not "partners". They are abusers.

A discussion which touches on previous relationships would be about relationships. Not abusers.

FishFace2019 · 13/04/2019 22:06

This thread is incredibly instructive about the extent to which so many women buy into the misogynist narrative re: girls and women and sex. It astonished me that anyone can read about the op’s circumstances and not realise this is not about a sexual past, but exploitation. Yet so many cannot see this. Very sobering. We’ve a long way to go.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 22:31

FishFace2019 you are so right. I myself hadnt even looked at it as abuse or exploitation just something I had to do to live. It's a scary world Sad

OP posts:
LetsDoThisAgain · 13/04/2019 22:40

You were little more than a child and had to prostitute yourself to make ends meet. If the UK didn't value the work of younger people less and instead paid equally to 25+ year olds then it probably wouldn't have happened.

Vulpine · 13/04/2019 22:45

Ice Cream - there's loads of stuff in my past sex life I have not told my dh. Why would I? None of his business

Greeborising · 13/04/2019 22:52

No no no no no no no!
The time to tell him has long gone.
All you will achieve now is hurt, doubt and unpleasantness.
You did what you did to survive, it’s in the past
Don’t ruin your future because of misplaced guilt or a need to ‘be totally honest with each other’

Tinkoschminko · 13/04/2019 23:33

OP, do whatever you need to do to help you to process this. That’s it.

You’re seeing your past in a new light and that can be painful. If he’s your confidant, then talk to him but you don’t need to feel shame or fear his reaction. He loves you and he’ll see this for the exploitive, abusive practise it was.

Streamside · 13/04/2019 23:33

You were a child and that part of your past has no relevance to your life now unless you feel counselling would help you assist in dealing with the fact that you were obviously abused.

Tomkinz · 14/04/2019 00:01

I get the impression that it's eating away at you quite a bit - "I need to tell someone and talk it through - but who?".

There's no right answer to this. Those who are saying, "tell no one" would probably have a different view if the question was, "I used to use prostitutes a lot when I was a lot younger - should I tell my girlfriend now that we're engaged?".

To those who say "tell all", then I'd also say that too has issues.

The comment I've found least helpful is "Why would you burden your future husband with this knowledge? How would it be fair on him; just to make yourself feel better?"

But, that's the problem. You've got issues with your past that haven't been resolved yet and they've now started to pick at your mind. Well, they've been doing that for a long time and it's not getting any better. You'll end up just telling all at some point when it gets too much for you to handle.

Hattiep got it right - you were abused. I'd sit down with your other half and tell him that you've got things in your past that you haven't resolved yet and that you want his help in dealing with them. Explain to him that you were a kid when it happened and you should have been under the care of the State under S31 of the Children's Act - which would have given you protection and it failed miserably in its duty. You need to explain that you were a16 year old child and on your own.

Ask him if you can share the past you don't like or is he going to say you're still on your own...

Halo84 · 14/04/2019 03:33

No. Your past is irrelevant to your future.

contentedsoul · 14/04/2019 03:45

Huge respect to OP for moving on with her life.
Doesn't it bring it home though, just how pathetic men are. It takes a certain kind of man to pay a stranger for sex, Absolutely no disrespect for the woman, but the men....dear god...they must be vile.
Makes my skin crawl.

MissMoan · 14/04/2019 04:03

No, it was one year of a life you lived long before you met him.

MijasMaddie · 14/04/2019 05:24

Why worry about something that you had to do to survive? (Please note I speak from experience)

How do you know he didn’t go with a sex worker? Have a porn addiction? You don’t!

Being an escort does not define you! You did what you had to do at the time. It’s gone and it’s in the past! You are you and a lovely mum to your kids! Let go of that memory. It’s gone.

RoodRuddr · 14/04/2019 05:38

I've been there, was an escort when younger to make ends meet. I told mine because it felt wrong to me to have any secrets. It was tough, and really i left it too late because i knew what a pedestal he had me on; he was so happy with his wife and child, should one little sentence ruin it all in an instant? I finally decided i would have to bite the bullet....he was fine. The past was the past, he didnt blame me, he loved me.

It feels better out.

MijasMaddie · 14/04/2019 05:44

Rood- why do you see it as a ‘secret’? How would you ever know your p has a past? Please don’t think of this as a ‘bad secret’ it’s just your past.