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Original poster

Do I tell DP I am a former escort/prostitute

397 replies

LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 10:08

So back story... aged 16 I moved out of home into a shared house. Working a crappy minimum wage job I quickly struggled with paying rent. Going "home" wasn't an option. Was introduced to becoming an escort by a "friend" and did it for the best part of a year. Fast forward 16 years and I'm happily settled down with DP, we have 2 DS and have just got engaged! Do I tell him about my former life before the wedding?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 13/04/2019 13:30

I was raped when I was 16. I have never discussed it with my husband. (Or anyone, actually.) It is not something I want to talk about, and I don't think anyone has a "right" to know about it.

Equally I have't discussed the (entirely uninteresting) job I had as a 16 year old with my husband. It is not relevant any more.

Nor have I told him exactly who, or how many people, I slept with as a teenager. It is not his business what I did with whom before I met him.

So, all in all, I think it isn't any of his business and you have no moral "need" to tell him.

If emotionally you feel you want his support and understanding, that is another thing, and trickier because you cannot be sure how he might react.

Figure8 · 13/04/2019 13:38

I haven't read the ENTIRE thread ( there's lots!!)

I feel that truth will always come out.

It was a long time ago, and of course has no bearing on now.

But.... wouldn't it be a relief to let go of the secret, and share with the person you love the most?

Would you be happy if you found out a similar secret about him? ( curious)

Secrets are funny things, and often come out in the worst possible way. At least if you tell him, you are in control of how he finds out.

If it's starting to eat you up, tell him.

SleightOfMind · 13/04/2019 13:38

If it had felt right to tell him earlier, I’m sure it would have come up.
There’s absolutely no reason you should have to share this past trauma with anyone who could be less than 100% supportive of you and concerned for your welfare.

Your DH might be lovely but it’s so close to home for him and his initial reaction could be very upsetting.
I’m so sorry and angry this was done to you. I also left home as a teen and it was a scary time.
You’ve done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. I’m so glad to hear you’ve escaped that past and gone on to have a lovely life.
Put it behind you (with counselling if possible) and enjoy your future.

Figure8 · 13/04/2019 13:39

PS - my heart breaks for the 16 year old you who didn't have a safe and secure home

SoHotADragonRetired · 13/04/2019 13:42

Btw OP, since it seems clear this period still troubles you (and not surprisingly), I second those who say you might want to see a therapist on your own terms to sort it through. When I say that not everything has to be shared in my previous post, I mean with family and loved ones - if something is bothering you a confidential relationship with a therapist is always a good place to talk it over.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/04/2019 13:45

Don't tell him. No need. My husband doesn't know all my past history and I don't know all of his. What we have build together is what is important. Just as it should be for the both of you.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/04/2019 13:46

None of his business whatsoever.

RussellSprout · 13/04/2019 13:54

No need to tell him. I have a few skeletons in my closet from my youth, I'm a very different person now to who I was then so much so it almost feels like I'm not the same person at all, I certainly wouldn't make those choices now so why do I need to justify what my former self did 20 years ago? I don't... I've left it buried in the past and don't feel guilty or ashamed of not telling him, he doesn't need to know.

Richmond1972 · 13/04/2019 13:56

I personally would. Imagine showing up at the wedding and his cousin turning up and having been someone you slept with. I would want to know if it was me.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 13/04/2019 13:59

Sorry as not RTFT but how is he likely to take it ?

First off, the way I see it, it was a long long time ago . I don't condemn or judge escorts/prostitutes as they must all have their reasons and you were young and broke OP.

If he is the understanding, caring type perhaps tell him as its obviously on your mind . If not then leave it . He needs not know.
We are all different people, usually, to the 16 year old versions of us.

Richmond1972 · 13/04/2019 14:02

for the record also, while i would want him to tell me and i would tell him, i would also not leave him over it. i see very little difference between you sleeping with lots of men on drunk nights out vs you getting paid to do it. everyone has a past. it doesnt change who YOU are, who hes marrying and who he had children with. but if i was told in a not nice way or family/friends knew before me and were gossiping i would be mortified and would consider leaving my DH over that.

jelliebelly · 13/04/2019 14:03

No - what would be the point? It's in the past - if you need to talk to somebody about what's sounds like a difficult period in your life then see a counsellor. If you tell him now it may ruin your lives together.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 14:11

Why would you? How's it any different to someone who slept around but didn't charge? It's in the past.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2019 14:12

No, you have no obligation to tell him. A person's sexual past is their own business. You did what you did to survive. We can say "Oh, I'd never do that!!" but until we're truly desperate we don't know what we'd do.

Felicicat · 13/04/2019 14:23

You were only 16. You weren't a "prostitute", "sex-worker", or an "escort". You were a victim of child sexual exploitation. Paying for the sexual services of someone under 18 is a criminal offence, as is arranging or facilitating such.

You were clearly a deeply vulnerable young woman who was sexually exploited. If you do feel the need to tell your DP, maybe you should think about framing it in this way?

And as for those saying you could lose your children if this came out, that's analogous to saying any victim of child sexual abuse could be considered unfit by the courts, which is plainly absurd.

harrietpn · 13/04/2019 14:25

OP, no need to tell him at all. What happened is no reflection of the person you were then and now and is instead to do with dreadful circumstances.

If it is really playing on your mind and causing stress you could say something along the lines of 'there was a really bad year in my life and I can tell you about it if you feel you need to know, but I'd prefer not to talk about it. It isn't reflective of who I am'. The truth does not always come out, there are a few 'secrets' in our family like yours - noone has ever pried and tried to find out the truth. I know who my family is and don't need to know more.

You and your DH have been together a long time and have 2 DC together, he knows everything he needs to know about you.

lboogy · 13/04/2019 14:26

You should have told him before you had a child. I'd let sleeping dogs lie if I was you

LovelyJubbly67 · 13/04/2019 14:28

Why would you burden your future husband with this knowledge? How would it be fair on him; just to make yourself feel better?

Ninkaninus · 13/04/2019 14:33

A pp is absolutely correct. You were not a prostitute. You were a young girl, extremely vulnerable, and men used you for sex. You did what you had to do to survive.

Sanctimonious twats who think you have something to confess or to make penance for now are absolutely wrong. Nobody is obliged to ‘confess’ to being abused, raped or otherwise taken advantage of sexually.

BlackPrism · 13/04/2019 14:39

You were 16. You were a child. Tell him if you want but you don't have to, you we're so young and clearly groomed by your 'friend'

Tinkoschminko · 13/04/2019 14:48

Yeah don’t burden the man you love with details of your actual life, OP. Selfish.

Jesus.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/04/2019 14:50

I agree with everything SirVixofVixHall said.

I couldn't bring myself to be angry with anyone I love for not telling me until they felt ready to that they'd been sexually abused as a child.

LovelyIssues I'm so sorry you hadn't the love and support you should have had as a child and wish you all the best Thanks

NannyRed · 13/04/2019 14:53

Don’t tell him. It will not improve your relationship, it happened years ago so isn’t really relevant. The girl you were at 16 is not the woman yo are today.

Telling him is just to ease your conscience, so don’t tell him.

If you do tell him, be prepared to have it thrown back in your face whenever it suits him, at every argument or when ever you say you’re not in the mood.

Would you feel better if he leaves you, just to get it off your chest?
Just don’t tell him.

Movinghouseatlast · 13/04/2019 14:55

There is a theory that some secrets are best kept that way. It doesn't harm him in any way in my opinion.

Original poster
LovelyIssues · 13/04/2019 15:11

Some of you are so lovely, thank you! And some of you are so judgey and I hope to god your own daughters, sisters, friends.... every find themselves in that position. I had never even looked at it as me being exploited. Again showing my naiveity at the situation even 16 yrs later x

OP posts: