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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should help you out if they can.

172 replies

Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:30

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

OP posts:
HarryTheSteppenwolf · 13/04/2019 09:32

Why?

If they have their own lives to live and you are a capable adult, why should parents be putting your interests before their own?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 13/04/2019 09:33

No, it's not a given, nor should it be.

Neverender · 13/04/2019 09:33

Not necessarily- depends on their financial situation, what you need the money for, their values and moral beliefs, yours...it's not an obligation.

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2019 09:34

What’s the background to this?

Neverender · 13/04/2019 09:34

Once you're 18 and an adult they don't have to do anything more.

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2019 09:35

If children are to be independent, that might mean parents not helping out.

Jojoanna · 13/04/2019 09:35

Err why ?

gamerchick · 13/04/2019 09:36

Financially it's nice if they can and do but they're not obliged. I'm assuming that's the one you're really asking about.

Elllicam · 13/04/2019 09:36

They don’t have to but I think they should if they can. I always think it’s odd when there are very wealthy parents with 6 bed houses and amazing holidays while their kids sit in a one bed council flat with the odd sun holiday for £15.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/04/2019 09:37

If they help you out financially will you then care for them in old age when they can't afford a care home?

Original poster
Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:41

If they have the means too and they see you are struggling, then I really can’t see why they would want to see you struggling?

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 13/04/2019 09:43

It really depends. They are not obliged to. And they may feel that it wouldn't be helping you in the long run to do something for you/pay for something.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 09:44

It would be nice but it’s not an entitlement. I would always try to support my dd in any reasonable way but she would never expect me to or think she’s entitled to help.

I had zero support from my parents because my mother is abusive and I’m now No Contact. Does it irk me when we’re struggling and I know she’s sitting on piles of money? Of course, I’m only human. But that’s the way it is so DH and I have had to go it alone.

Some people are lucky with their parents, some aren’t.

FredaFox · 13/04/2019 09:44

They are not obliged to do anything

Original poster
Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:45

Uni, car, driving lessons, wedding, house deposit?

Another thread got me thinking.

OP posts:
Lungelady · 13/04/2019 09:46

No.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 09:46

The other thing it depends on is why you’re struggling - are you young? Are you still learning how to budget and manage money? Are they maybe trying to help you learn by not bailing you out?

AllTheFunAndGames · 13/04/2019 09:46

AIBU To think parents should help you out if they can financially?
I believe this is your real AIBU. If so, you are being unreasonable. It's their time and money. They can spend it however they wish.

-Can they afford to?
-How much are you asking for?
-Why do you need financial help?
Will you pay them back -how & when?
Have you got siblings? - if you do, will they get equal amounts? - it would have to be fairly distributed.

Doghorsechicken · 13/04/2019 09:47

We fully intend to help our son as much as we can as he grows older (currently 10 months old though!) however, I will not be handing him money if he spends it on drugs, gambling or lavish parties. Only if he will be sensible and use it wisely. It’s a long time before we need to worry about that though!

BackinTimeforBeer · 13/04/2019 09:48

Struggling in what way? It wouldn't be a blank cheque - there would be conditions attached to financial help.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/04/2019 09:48

Depends why you are struggling? Following a job loss yes, making choices you can't afford then no.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 13/04/2019 09:49

I think it depends

Sometimes having to struggle is a better life lesson

I don't believe in gratuitous lesson teaching so to speak but I do think it's a parents responsibility to support their DC to be able to live comfortably and sustainably in the real world.

It entirely depends on the situation

It also depends on why they are struggling , at one point my Dsis was struggling for food but had a nail and hair appointment each week so what's the most responsible choice to do there ?

Original poster
Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:50

As I said above.

Driving lesson
Car
Uni
Wedding
House deposit

I’m talking if they are well off and able to but just won’t.

OP posts:
MaryPopppins · 13/04/2019 09:50

No.

You're an adult.

I'm very grateful for anything my parents do for us. Thanks they've worked their whole lives and not coped with hand outs from their parents.

Why should I expect to sponge off them? I want them to enjoy their money.

If they want to take us on a day out/trip then I'm very grateful and we have a great time together.

Sciurus83 · 13/04/2019 09:50

You'll get a load of responses on here saying "all I got was a lump o coal and I were looky", but you don't stop being a parent when a child turns 18 and I don't understand why if someone could they wouldn't. Obviously it depends on the definition of help. I'm going to guess that this is to do with help getting on the housing ladder, and yes I think that in that case those parents that can help should, it's a very different ball game these days.