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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should help you out if they can.

172 replies

Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:30

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

OP posts:
ValleyoftheHorses · 13/04/2019 12:59

I will if I can. My parents have helped me such a lot, emotionally, practically and financially. I would like to do the same for DS if I can. Also I will inherit from my parents who adore DS so would want me to.
Maybe it’s different if you’re from a big family- I’m an only child of an only child and I have an only child.
It will also be different if money is tight but surely emotional and practical support can still be given if not financial?

Bumpitybumper · 13/04/2019 13:05

I am very family focused and think that parents do have an obligation to help out their children. This doesn't mean handing everything to them on a plate or removing any incentive for them to build their own lives and sense of independence, but it does mean recognising that in some situations a parent providing assistance, be it financially or otherwise, could make all the difference and infinitely improve their children's lives. I think most people would recognise that there is a difference between doing and providing everything for their children which would obviously prevent them from developing any self reliance and helping out to providing support for a specific purpose. Most people would say that family is a priority and that they love them very much so it is just logical and sensible that you would want the best for them and do what you reasonably can to support them achieving their goals and being successful.

I don't really understand the mentality that family members have no responsibility towards each other. Individualism is all great and good for the strong/lucky, but for the weak or unlucky then it can lead to a lifetime of misery and hardship. If you can't rely on your family to help you when you are most in need then who can you rely on? Obviously some people don't have a family in the position to help and that is different, but if they are able and just unwilling then I do find that pretty depressing to be honest.

Thequaffle · 13/04/2019 13:07

You’re an adult. Any help parents give in any form is a gift and you should be grateful.

StillMe1 · 13/04/2019 13:45

As a PP said it should be a two way street.
I paid for certain things mentioned in her list of what parents should be helping adult children with. I was happy to do that.
My adult children started getting demanding which I thought was really cheeky, then the partners started demanding and expecting. Now I just don't comply, especially when I needed help with some heavy lifting and none was forthcoming I decided this was too much of a one way street.
As a person with some life experiences, I am very against sponging husbands and the proof is how fact I off loaded my ex husband who was a sponger. I am most certainly not going to support the partners of my children who seem to think it is fine to sponge from my children and then to start on me. They are out of luck with me and my children have their dad to thank for my strong views on the subject.
I would love to be able to help my children. I believe they have all sorts of debts going on. I see no reason why I should support adults who are not my relatives.
I will need my money to pay for care as there is evidence of attempts to relieve an elderly person of their wealth. I cant have my children around unless they change their views completely

NWQM · 13/04/2019 14:05

Yes, I believe that my role as parent never ends and I don't want it to. That doesn't necessarily mean though that it will always be the right thing for me to put my hand in my pocket even if I have the cash.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 14:08

But when it comes to your golden retirement, and they’ve reached the age where they require care. You’re equally not ‘obliged’ to do that!

This agrugument doesn make sense.

If you were caring put of obligation or because it works other ways, wouldn't the older people have already done their half by bringing the younger ones up?

I dont get this 'if you parents wont find you, dont care for them'. The OP has very expensive list of what she feels they should provide and unless her parents give her it all they cant expect a bit of help when they are older. That's quite sad

Snog · 13/04/2019 14:52

79% of parents provide financial assistance to their adult children in the USA

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.cnbc.com/amp/2018/10/02/parents-spend-twice-as-much-on-adult-children-than-saving-for-retirement.html

Snog · 13/04/2019 14:57

UK parents are financially supporting their children until they reach the age of 31, survey finds

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/uk-parents-are-financially-supporting-their-children-until-they-reach-the-age-of-31-survey-finds-a6791056.html%3famp

user1471426142 · 13/04/2019 14:57

We have had a lot of help and I would want to do the same for my children. My parents and in-laws paid for a big chunk of our wedding for example and I’ve had ad hoc cash gifts. There is never an expectation but it has always been nice and appreciated.

If I’m in a good financial position, the sorts of things I’d help out with for adult children include:

  • university costs
  • clothes for first proper job/ first rent deposit
  • deposit and furnishing new home
  • money to buy baby things if they have children
  • treating them to dinners out or experiences like the theatre that they might not otherwise be able to do.

I wouldn’t provide regular ‘allowances’ etc as I think they have to learn to budget

Snog · 13/04/2019 15:01

Evidence suggests that most parents do give their children considerable financial support well into adulthood.

Many people I know have parents who pay variously for cars, holidays, childcare, mortgages, house extensions, education or activities costs for GC.

Although lots of people on this thread seem to be saying they do not receive any financial help from their parents they are definitely in a minority in RL.

cantwait2bfree · 13/04/2019 15:08

I will help dd5 with uni am saving now. If she will be a good teenager with manners like she is now then I will get her a car for her 18th birthday. I will pay for her wedding dress and contribute towards the wedding if she’s respectful that is

Nannyamc · 13/04/2019 15:22

Have done all of the above and more. Help out a lot with gc too.
Would hate to see them struggle as we did. Treat them all same. They will get it all one day so it’s best to help them out now.They never ask but we get great satisfaction in giving. Just a family thing for us to do.

Original poster
Shopperami · 13/04/2019 15:31

People I know have a lot of things paid for by their parents.

Mumsnet have said the complete opposite.

OP posts:
NorfLondon16 · 13/04/2019 16:06

For the things mentioned - no. For unforeseen things, maybe. But if the "trouble" is self inflicted, why should the parents bail the "child" out? How is the "child" going to turn into a responsible adult?

RomanyQueen1 · 13/04/2019 16:21

OMG, no.
I'd do anything for my lot but after 18 they don't expect anything. As soon as their cb and tc finish they get very little.
I wouldn't expect them to leave at this age but I expect them to stand on their own two feet.

ineedaholidaynow · 13/04/2019 16:28

Nannyamc I assume you are pretty wealthy and still have sufficient assets to cover any nursing home fees you may require.

We will help DS where possible but do need to be mindful that we will have enough for retirement etc

Streely · 13/04/2019 16:29

I think families should help each other out where they can.

My mum has helped us out hugely - gave us a deposit for buying a house, did loads of childcare for us when the DC was little, babysits if we want to go out - and I’ve helped her out loads since, too, with all sorts of things.

My sister and I jointly finance a lot of things for my Dad now that he is retired and in poor health (we bought his car and tax/insure/service it, furnished his new home for him etc).

It’s just what families do. I find the attitude of ‘once they’re 18 they’re no longer getting anything’ strange.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 13/04/2019 16:31

We will probably help ours out with things like driving lessons, first car, mortgage deposit etc but just we were expected to have part time jobs whilst students/in the summer holidays, I will expect the same from my children.

AnnieMay100 · 13/04/2019 16:40

My intentions are to hand my children a decent sum of money in a bank account when they’re 18 for those things you mentioned. If later on they struggle I wouldn’t hesitate in helping if I can afford it at the time. It’s not a right to have handouts from your parents once you hit adulthood and fend for yourself, but for me personally I think your parenting duty continues on regardless of their age.

Sugarformyhoney · 13/04/2019 16:43

This is Mumsnet where everyone insists they are independent of their parents practically the day leave the womb and from 18 they are not parents any more 🙄
In real life, yes most parents help their kids out emotionally and often financially. I find it very bizarre when wealthy parents watch their children struggle because they don’t ‘have’to Help.
On the other hand, I know parents who have very little but share it with their kids and grandkids- to me, that’s what family is all about

Pk37 · 13/04/2019 17:01

Hell no .
If you’re old enough to go away to uni and live by yourself ,you are old enough to be sensible with your money and sort yourself out ffs

Confusedbeetle · 13/04/2019 17:07

A lot depends on the relationship you have with your parents. If you are entitled then as a point of principle I would say no. If you don't expect handouts and are suitably pleased then I would. You sound like you expect handouts so you haven't really grown up and independent. Expecting is one thing, need and hardship are another, Driving lessons, uni and house deposits are not essential to survival. You expect luxuries just because they could help out? They brought you up, fed and clothed you and prepared you for supporting yourself

Ihatehashtags · 13/04/2019 20:20

Yes they should, but lots of parents are selfish arseholes.

Thelovecats85 · 13/04/2019 20:40

Yes they should, but lots of parents are selfish arseholes.

Was this supposed to be sarcastic

ToeSocks · 13/04/2019 22:13

Absolutely not

Driving lessons
Holidays
Kids
House deposit

I have and proud to say done it all myself

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