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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should help you out if they can.

172 replies

Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:30

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

OP posts:
MaryPopppins · 13/04/2019 09:51

If they are able to and won't then it makes me thing they recognise you're lazy/selfish and they don't want to enable that behaviour more.

Which is good parenting.

MiniEggAddiction · 13/04/2019 09:51

I think family should help each other out where they can. Once you're an adult it should be a two way street. It also depends alot too you shouldn't expect them to completely rearrange their lives to provide childcare but in an emergency of course!

IHateUncleJamie · 13/04/2019 09:51

Uni, car, driving lessons, wedding, house deposit?

No, they’re not obliged to help you with any of these, especially house deposit. We’re helping our dd with uni as much as we can but she’s had to get the full maintenance loan. 😕

Driving lessons were a birthday present. By the time she gets married she’ll probably be earning a lot more than us!

All these are nice if you can but there’s no “should” about it. Confused

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 13/04/2019 09:52

I used to watch my children struggling to do up buttons. Sometimes I'd help, but most of the time I let them struggle. They weren't suffering, just finding a new skill difficult.

My parents have offered financial support a number of times. It's good to know the offer's there, but I prefer to support myself, even if I have to watch the pennies most months.

Windowsareforcheaters · 13/04/2019 09:52

Remember the thread about the parents who didn't help out and now wanted lifts to the hospital as they get older.

What goes around comes around.

Are you prepared to help them out when they are old?

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 13/04/2019 09:52

I think up to the age of 21 or maybe 25 at a push, after that you shouldn't even ask.
If they offer, that's different.

PianoTuner567 · 13/04/2019 09:52

You missed a bit.

...if they can and if they want to....

Thelovecats85 · 13/04/2019 09:53

If your parents are well off, then it would seem mean to see a you struggle. But if they help too much then you'll never really grow up or learn independence. Then how will you cope when your parents are gone. It also creates spoilt children who are users and not very nice people.

My parents help with practical things like helping with my kids. And if we went out they would never expect me to pay for myself. But I wouldn't expect them to buy me a car or a holiday or pay to renevate my house. Even though they have the money and I don't.

Happyspud · 13/04/2019 09:53

Yes. My parents are still parents to me. My emotional and if I needed it and they could, my financial safety net.

I will be part of my children’s support structure and safety net till the day I die.

Snog · 13/04/2019 09:54

If you love your child I think you would want to help them.
If you are the child of narcissists OP don't be holding your breath.

ForalltheSaints · 13/04/2019 09:54

Not an obligation and it is a two-way street.

user1457017537 · 13/04/2019 09:54

I will don my tin hat but I know several parents who are being financially abused by their adult children, who are doing the very best they can to relieve them of their security and nest egg. Nothing is ever enough and the entitlement is shocking.

ExplodingCarrots · 13/04/2019 09:56

The things you mention above are what I would call 'luxuries' . My parents couldn't afford to help with any of the above.

We're putting money into an account for our DD each month so when she gets to 18 she has some money for a car/uni/deposit ..but it won't be for all them things. If I saw my DD struggling , and by struggling I mean not being able to afford rent/food, then of course yes we would help.

I would hope she wouldn't expect us to pay out for stuff just because we were in a good financial position. I would like her to learn how to how to save for these things herself ...like we had to.

EstuaryBird · 13/04/2019 09:56

When I left home at 17 I was firmly told that I was on my own and to get on with it. Best thing they ever did. I learnt responsibility and self reliance.

I had some extremely difficult times and one time my mother relented and loaned me £800....which she nagged me about until it was paid back. My Dad would have helped me more but he died young.

She died when I was 62 and I inherited the house but that was all she ever gave me....and I think she did the right thing. There isn’t always someone else to bail you out, the only person you can really rely on is yourself.

BackinTimeforBeer · 13/04/2019 09:58

Driving lesson, Car, Uni, Wedding, House deposit
Wouldn't be helping out with a wedding - - waste of money- Registry office is just fine - if they can't pay for a big party they shouldn't have one. Car - nope not doing that either. Will help with Uni costs but expect them to get the loan and a part time job, will probably help with a house deposit and driving lessons. And we will be using all our money on paid carers...no intention of living in misery begging for help.

BiscuitDrama · 13/04/2019 09:59

Depends how ‘can’ the can part is though.

They might have the cash now, but want to save for retirement/possible future care etc.

fecketyfeck21 · 13/04/2019 09:59

sorry but it's not happening with my dc, they are adults and have had to learn to earn and budget. if you can't afford the big wedding you don't have it, need to move ? my 3ds plan to house share toget them started, dd wants to work aboard and teach english, she is multi lingual so she's working hard and saving to do just that.
dh and me are mortgage free and planing to down size next year but any proceeds from the sale will hopefully cushion our future needs.

megrichardson · 13/04/2019 10:00

This is a tricky one, as others have said. Yes, I do try to help my children and they are appreciative, I am lucky.
However, I hate a lot of this attitude of entitlement that some people have. Too much help or support ruins a person and prevents them from ever growing up. I can remember a couple of people when I was young, who were given everything, a house, cash sums, etc. They were, without exception , horrible, spoilt people.

Dillydallyingthrough · 13/04/2019 10:01

OP I think I know the thread you are referring to as it made me almost start an identical AIBU. I don't think parents should help you out financially as an adult (not 18 but I mean after uni). I also wouldn't hold against them how they spent their money, I would hope they used it on holidays and enjoying themselves after all the years of sacrifice.

EnjoyItAll · 13/04/2019 10:01

Driving lessons, car, uni, wedding or house deposit are all luxuries or non essentials so no they should not have to help you out. If you chose to get married you should have the means to pay for it and any financial help offered appreciated but not expected and the same with everything else. People should be prepared to pay for what they want not rely on others. People give off a perception of their life that is not always true so it may look like parents have a lot of money but if they do it may all be tied up in assets rather than disposable cash or they may be in a tight financial position themselves. Exact same goes for all the grandparents and childcare threads. You have a baby expect to pay for childcare and any offer of support is a bonus not an expectation

scratchyfluffface · 13/04/2019 10:02

Personally I would help out in some circumstances (eg house deposit if I could, uni definitely) but certainly wouldn't if doing so enabled my DC to be rubbish with money or believe that they are somehow entitled for me to pay for everything. A wedding, for example, doesn't have to be an extravagant affair, and while I would give a contribution, if they wanted more they would have to fund that themselves

The job of a parent is to help their child become fully independent, not to continue to baby them as adults.

howabout · 13/04/2019 10:02

There is a very fine line between "helping" and "interfering" whether it be in relation to money or practical support.

It is also extremely expensive / time consuming to be even handed between siblings in large families. The potential for creating sibling resentment is therefore huge - much better imho to foster good sibling relationships.

OldAndWornOut · 13/04/2019 10:03

I don't think there should be any obligation to help out, no.

AllTheFunAndGames · 13/04/2019 10:04

How old are you and your OH? Are you both working? How much have you saved so far?

I don't think it is reasonable to expect your parents to pay for YOUR wedding or your full housing deposit. It sounds like you need to adjust your budget and expectations. Most people have to provide for themselves, despite their parents finances.

My old boss used to have to explain to his adult DC about 'needs' and 'wants'. It annoyed them no end but he was right.

Dvg · 13/04/2019 10:05

If I had the means to help then i would help my kids with everything, Not a day would go by that i would let them struggle but i would also bring them up to appreciate it rather than expect it but at the end of the day i am a mum, i am the parent forever whether they are 5 for 50 and i want to help the ones i love.

I knew someone who was a millionaire and wouldnt even pay for his daughter to get a decent car when all she could afford was a £500 old banger and she had 2 babys to raise and i remember thinking why wouldnt you help your own children if you could.

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