To think parents should help you out if they can.

[Shopperami]

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

I suppose this would be another thread but, what if they paid for everything for a sibling?

I suppose this would be another thread but, what if they paid for everything for a sibling?

Given th list you have put ofbwhat you think they should pay for, I would suggest they dont pay for everything. Because the list given is pure entitlement.

Or

Theres huge drip feed that you are leaving out.

Surely it is a parents' job to make sure that their children are capable of standing up on their own two feet? Growing up, in other words.

II suppose this would be another thread but, what if they paid for everything for a sibling?*

It would depend on why.

It sounds like you’re bitter about your own situation. Why not post about that?

I suppose this would be another thread but, what if they paid for everything for a sibling?
It causes resentment with the other siblings( see my post!!!) especially if they give something that is huge ( such as a house) and it's a fine deal and you are told by the parent ' me and your dad knew that you would understand!'

Jeez, the entitlement of the OP is unreal! I can only assume they've been brought up thinking they're owed something just for being alive.

No, I expect my adult DC to support themselves as I'll need any savings to cover my retirement and future care costs.

I worked from aged 16. I lived at home and saved up and paid for driving lessons. I went to Uni as a mature student doing evening classes and paid fees whilst working a full-time job. I bought my first 2 bed tiny starter home in a cheap (dodgy) area up north paying 15% interest rate on my mortgage. Lived there for 11 years and couldn't afford to move for a while due to negative equity. Finally sold and made the princely sum of 30k when I sold it. Hardly raking it in! Moved south and got a crippling new mortgage with new partner.

Got married in a registry office wearing a pretty summer dress. Parents both dead by then so no interest in a fancy do.
My first holiday abroad was at 18 when I went with a boyfriend to France on the ferry.

Still don't have many holidays abroad as I can't afford them.
Last big holiday was to Asia 12 years ago which I saved up for.

Nowadays, I mostly visit family and stay with them. Adult DC live in much more expensive properties than mine, that they've bought themselves. They are grafters too.

Op, will you willingly look after your parents in their old age if they finance you now?
Thought not.

I believe they should, my grandparents helped my parents, they helped us and now it’s our turn to help ours.

We never expected it, we saved up a deposit for our first house, but when we came to buy the next house, we’d done our sums and could afford it , though it would be tight, at this point my parents told us about a quite substantial amount of money there was for us. However it had never entered my head that this would be the case. We had done the saving and the sums and not relied on money being forthcoming, so there was no expectation of it. Because my parents did that, it’s put us in the financial position to do exactly the same for our kids, and we will.

Unfortunately practical help wasn’t availabile from my parents due to health issues, but if they could have, they would.

Eldest child didn’t want to go to uni, she wanted to get out and work, which she has, however if she wanted to study at a later date, we’d support her.

I know every family has different dynamics, but I was brought up in a family where one child was not favoured over the other, and I’ve done the same with mine. I just can’t get my head round people who watch their children struggle and won’t help.

Meanwhile in mumsnet world, kids get kicked out at 18 and left to fend for themselves!

Well in a word, no. That said, I can understand how frustrating it may seem to be struggling and your parents to be (deliberately?) oblivious to it.

When my parents were young and starting out they were easily able to afford a house, driving lessons, a car etc.. on their salaries and so perhaps a certain generation of parents of adult children now, might not realise how much has changed.

My parents bought their first house in a very nice area (considered expensive back then) at age 24 after university (no tuition fees and living expenses also provided) and my DM stopped working within a year to be a SAHM with my older DS. They were able to do this without financial assistance from their families of course. My parents fully recognise that their experiences were seem like an absolute utopia compared to today's realities for young adults. Ironically my parents have old friends who complain that their adult children selfishly live so far away from them, they're oblivious to the fact that their children have no realistic hope of renting let alone owning property in their nice part of London.

I certainly wouldn't contribute to a wedding

Uni, car, driving lessons, wedding, house deposit?
I wouldn't expect parents to pay for any of them to be honest.
That said I've paid for driving lessons, car and insurance for both lads.My parents didnt do it for me. That is a non issue they didnt do it for any of us.

I think there is such a fine balance between parents helping a child get set up for adult life, and helping a child with “living” day to day.

I’m of the ‘no’ category but DH is ‘yes’.

And then every now and then, a hypothetical circumstance will come up where I’m like, they can have all my money, I don’t want them struggling.

I personally have not taken any financial support from my parents since I was 15 years old. They didn’t have it the. I never ever asked to lend money / be given money, and the only support I had was living in their house until the end of my degree, of which I had to pay 10% (then 20%) of my wages to them (from part time work even though I was in full time education) as board.

Some would view that as harsh. It was.

But some would view it as a life lesson. It was as well!

It made me appreciate that when you live on your own, far more than 10% of your wages goes to running the house.

I now have money, and want my DC to have that appreciation, and I know that they won’t ever fully understand what it’s like to not have it.

I also see a family member struggling and want to shake said family members’ parents to help her out, as they have money and choose not to help.

Clearly, I’m not sure which side I’m on in relation to your original question OP

I should add that it works 2 ways, Ive spent the last couple of years caring for my remaining parent, to the detriment of my own health and life, not because I feel any obligation, but because in my family we all look after each other, and had it been me who was ill, my parents would have looked after me, it’s just what we do

Interesting thread. What about inherited wealth? My dad died a few years ago and left the family business (passed down through his family for generations) to my mum (he had just sold it so it was around £1 million in the banK) plus 2 houses mortgage free (1 house they were given by my dad's parents, the other they bought with proceeds from the business). They had been planning to start offloading assets to me and my sister to avoid inheritance tax. My dad then died and my mum decided not to offload anything but keep the money for herself. My sister and I feel quite aggrieved by this as it's really from the family business that has been passed down through generations and my mum is basically not now going to pass any of it on.

Avala2019 that would upset me because it wasnt what my father want or planned. I also presume, that when he was alive your mum appeared to agree with him. Or he would have left the business to you.

It's not the financial aspect as such, but his wishes being ignored and a family business being take out of the family.

I suppose this would be another thread but, what if they paid for everything for a sibling?

There's always another side to the story whenever this happens. Quite often the sibling that claims to be missing out, is never quite honest about their own behaviour that contributed towards this perceived favouritism of other siblings.

YABU - parents give if they want to, if they can and it also depends upon the relationship.

If you go running to mummy and daddy every time you need/want something, when will you ever learn to stand on your own two feet? Too many people expect thing handed to them on a plate, never to have to live according to their means but expecting your parents to fund your lifestyle choices.

I think parents should support their child whilst still in education and that would include through university if they can afford it. I can also understand a parent supporting an adult child who can't afford to put food on the table or at risk of being homeless.

However, by the time you are looking at getting married, purchasing a house or having children you really should be financially independent of your parents. I would be mortified to have been requesting money from my parents for these things. If I wanted something, I paid for it myself. Or saved up until I could afford it. Or went without. I think my parents would have helped out if I was destitute or in real trouble, but not for non-essentials or luxuries.

Why should your parents pay for your wedding? If they want to pay for it or contribute- that's fine. But its not a right- if you want a big party, pay for it yourself. You don't NEED an expensive wedding.

Similarly with a car- life may be much easier with a car but unless you live very rurally or have mobility issues then they aren't a necessity. How many cars are the expected to buy you? Every time you want a new one? I think its fair enough to buy an older car for a first car, if you can afford it but not once your son/daughter is independent- then it becomes their job to fund their own lifestyle. If you can only afford an older car, that's fine. why do you expect your parents to buy you a newer one?

House deposit is a trickier one- if they can and they want to that's fine. But expecting it as some sort of right and getting peevish when you don't get it is very childish and petulant.

I think people have the right to do what they want with their hard-earned money and "should" shouldn't come into it.

If they want to help financially, then that's great but I think anyone who expects them to is being entitled. If they prefer to pay big pension contributions to give them a good standard of living in retirement, and to enable them to retire while they're still young enough to enjoy it, good luck to them.

Nursebuttercup- it is not percieved favouritism it is a fact and it has nothing whatsoever to do with my behaviour.

Thanks Puthatlampshade. Is upsetting. She has become very bitter with an "I'm entitled to enjoy myself" attitude since he died, has a new boyfriend etc, never visits or does anything for me or my sister (I live far away but my sister is very close). We both have young families, I work full time and any money would make a massive difference to our lives. We are ok without it but it would make things a lot easier and less stressful. She basically see it as her money. Even worse, I think she feels guilty about it so is super defensive. We've never raised it with her as nothing we can do and bound to annoy her even more.

I think helping for Uni and driving lessons are probably the only ones I'd definitely help with. If they dropped out of college, changed their mind and wanted to start a new course they'd then have to fund their fees. As for a wedding, car and house, that will be their own issue. I'd probably give a generous wedding gift but not pay for it. They will have to learn to live within their means as we don't have it to spare anyway.

As for thinking that parents 'should' help, I think YABU. It's not an entitlement once you reach adulthood. They've done their bit to get you that far. If they do help then that's great.

On the other hand, I will do everything I can to help my kids. Life is tough and will be even harder for coming generations. In my day if you were bright and hardworking, it wasn't too hard to get a decent job and house etc. Buying anything more than a house in London is very hard for most.

Quite often the sibling that claims to be missing out, is never quite honest about their own behaviour that contributed towards this perceived favouritism of other siblings
It's not always to do with sibligs behaviour. My parents favour a sibling due to their own guilt about a serious incident going back nearly 50 years. Since then the sibling has been indulged. Mum goes mad if we forget to send a birthday card to him, dont phone him up. We get bollocked if two siblings go to a gig but dont ask him and so on. It is exhausting!!!

my df cut my dsis off around 18-there is a backstory but too long for someone else thread

basically though it was such a shock as they had previously given her everything she wanted then our dm pased away and he suddenly thought he was spoiling her

he didnt go about it the right way thoughand shes still bitter

"There's always another side to the story whenever this happens. Quite often the sibling that claims to be missing out, is never quite honest about their own behaviour that contributed towards this perceived favouritism of other siblings."

And, conversely, there are many families where a child is physically, sexually or emotionally abused and then made the scapegoat for their own victimisation in the form of favouritism of another child, who is quite happy to go along with the situation because they gain from it.

they should be fair but sometimes that doesnt happen things change