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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think parents should help you out if they can.

172 replies

Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:30

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 13/04/2019 22:31

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

and

People I know have a lot of things paid for by their parents. Mumsnet have said the complete opposite.

OP, those two are not the same thing at all. There is no obligation on parents to help their adult children financially at all. That is what 'should' is asking about. It is wrong to say that parents should help their children. No one has a right to demand that from their parents.

But of course plenty of parents will choose to help their adult children, financially and in other ways. It is their choice to do so, not the child's right to say that they should do so.

I don't get why this is so difficult to understand.

bridgetreilly · 13/04/2019 22:33

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

And yet, you've only given examples of financial help.

stucknoue · 13/04/2019 22:34

No, well university yes to the extent of the government formula for means tested loans but nothing more once you graduate. It's lovely if they can beyond that but it's not an obligation. What parents should do is support you emotionally

Luc187 · 13/04/2019 22:37

Absolutely not. I really have a problem when people think this. I have a sister that behaves in this way and I find it distasteful, sorry. Even if I was well off I would teach my children to be independent and not feel like everything can be handed to them on a plate. Parents have their own lives and are human beings like everybody else. Having children doesn’t mean you are contracted for life to be second best and put them first every second of your life. I just don’t think it’s fair at all.

slashlover · 13/04/2019 22:41

Uni, car, driving lessons, wedding, house deposit?

I'd be so embarrassed to be asking my parents for money for any of those. I would never ask unless it got to the point where I couldn't afford rent/food/heating etc.

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2019 22:42

I think driving lessons, yes, and I also got my mum's old car when she got a new one. Uni was funded by government and I had a student loan. Large chunk of wedding was paid for by my mum. Anything else should be self funded, but if parents want to help out if they see you struggling then that is their choice. My mum has helped me out and I hope to be able to do the same for DC.

jacks11 · 13/04/2019 23:02

bridgetilly has it 100% correct. Parents may choose to give their children financial assistance and pay for luxuries (in my view being given thousands of pounds for a wedding counts as a luxury and not an essential). If it is what parents choose to do, then that is fine and completely up to them. That is very different from saying parents should buy you cars, pay for your wedding and holidays, commit to regular childcare anf/or babysit on demand or gift you many thousands of pounds to put down as your deposit on a house.

Using the word “should” implies an obligation, which if not fulfilled is shirking a duty. Bar university- which I think parents should support if they are financially able to, if only because student support loans are calculated using parental income- none of the things you suggest you are entitled to be given/paid for by your parents are essentials which parents MUST stump up for. If they choose to, be grateful gor you good fortune. If not, don’t act as though you were entitled to it and have been denied your rights.

I do think funding your children to live a lifestyle beyond their means or stepping in every time there is a hint of having to save before buying something isn’t helpful in the long-term. Nor is continually bailing out an adult child who is not budgeting sensibly/running up debts etc.

Helping an adult child in dire straights is a completely different matter and i’d Expect most parents would want to help (unless good reason, such as repeated frivolous spending causing debts). Not one of those instances you gave OP would count as dire straights.

In general terms, I think adult children should expect to support themselves financially. Living off the bank of mum and dad is not wise. I would be embarrassed to have asked my parents to pay for all the things in your list. Mortified, in fact- where is the sense of pride in having achieved your own goals? Except you didn’t: your parents did. Worse, to believe your are entitled to expect all of that is extremely distasteful in my view.

Yinderling · 13/04/2019 23:03

My parents bought me a dinner set from Argos and a mop and cleaning stuff for my first rented flat at 18. 5 driving lessons at 17.
an amazing 1k at my wedding that made it great.
So I have really appreciated their help but I have scrimped and saved for many years dor everything else and it has been so good for me to know that most of what I have is because I worked for it.

Yinderling · 13/04/2019 23:04

ps your username sounds like your a spendthrift.

Delegator · 13/04/2019 23:04

I'd be so embarrassed to be asking my parents for money for any of those. I would never ask unless it got to the point where I couldn't afford rent/food/heating etc

^This x100 @slashlover

LadyRannaldini · 13/04/2019 23:06

The only way in which I would agree to this premise is to keep family money out of the hands of the government when I die, who would waste it on things like social security payments. We're fortunate enough to be probably just over the Inheritance threshold and will be taking steps to remedy that soon!

Mummyto2munchkins · 13/04/2019 23:18

Me and my DP have this argument occasionally... DP is his father's carer (his dsd refuses carers and says DP will do it - he needs the help and as he has "mental capacity" carers cannot be forced) only I work. Currently on Maternity leave so money is tight... If DP worked we would be fine money wise, so occasionally I do feel that his father should help us with food shopping. He's the reason we're struggling, as he won't have carers enabling DP to work so we can comfortably live.
We don't ask for help, he will ask when we're going food shopping as he wants stuff picking up, we say not till pay day now (a week away) as we have no money - he offers to pay for food shopping for us.

ChicCroissant · 13/04/2019 23:32

OP, you're not my FB friend who was whining earlier about some people getting everything on a plate are you?!

I only know a couple of people who expect those kind of items to be paid for by their parents and the main thing they have in common is being absolutely shit with money! They are of the opinion that everyone else has it easier than them (completely untrue) and that they are the only people who have items like cars or household goods break down. The everyday stuff of life is a surprise to them.

DirtyNumbAngel · 14/04/2019 15:08

OP Why don't you give some context instead of vague one lie posts?

DirtyNumbAngel · 14/04/2019 15:09

one line

Blush

SandraDea · 14/04/2019 15:10

Yes absolutely- aren’t families supposed to be there for each other?

I wouldn’t want to be part of a family that didn’t help each other out through the hard times.

That’s what family means

notacooldad · 14/04/2019 15:33

Yes absolutely- aren’t families supposed to be there for each other?
There are many ways that families can help out each other without paying for weddings, initially, driving lessons etc. Help doesn't necessarily mean splashing the cash.

ghostyslovesheets · 14/04/2019 15:35

My mum was never in a position to prop me up - I did uni by myself working 3 jobs and paying my own rent

Purchase my first house at 28 of my own back

Learnt to drive at 30 when I needed to

Mum paid for my wedding cake because she wanted to

My kids will be expected to crack on with it I’m afraid- I will treat them and help them a bit in little ways but they have to stand on their own feet - single mum to 3 kids I can’t bail them out all the time but I wouldn’t anyway

reluctantbrit · 14/04/2019 15:37

I think parents should try to help with uni as it is part of education. I got driving lessons as gifts as my parents thought it is a useful skill but no car. I was allowed ot use my parent's car until i moved out.

Wedding and house deposit? Sorry, that is a nice to have and you should be able to buget and save. We got some money but as a gift afterwards, not during the planning and my parents paid fo rmy dress but not because I expected or even asked for it.

I prefer they put money towards a saving plan for DD.

Snog · 14/04/2019 17:53

Whether they should or not the vast majority of parents DO help their adult children.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/04/2019 18:24

Uni, car, driving lessons, wedding, house deposit?

Non essentials then.

If you were struggling to feed, clothe and warm yourself that would be very different of course. Are you?

DotForShort · 14/04/2019 18:42

My parents helped with university fees and supported me financially until I graduated. I was and am extremely grateful to them (especially as the university was in another country and the fees were quite high, despite financial assistance/scholarships from the uni).

Everything else on your list? I paid for all of it myself. I have been financially independent since the age of 21, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

As for the discrepancy with siblings, I can understand that it might seem less than fair. My parents have provided much more financial support for my siblings than for me, which I can understand in the circumstances (though I don't agree with their reasoning 100%). But I would still much rather be financially independent.

I do think parents should help their children if they are truly struggling and if the parents have the means to do so. But that would be for genuine needs, not extras like a wedding or driving lessons.

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