To think parents should help you out if they can.

[Shopperami]

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

It’s a choice. My moral judgment? Yes I think they should if they are able. Within reason. Money on tap though does not encourage independence and resilience.

My parents helped my brother a couple of times when he seriously overstretched himself financially through greed. I find this more problematic than helping your child pay for unexpected bills for example. It just encourages people to make the same decision as they have a safety net.

The old adage you don’t sort money problems out with money.

Avala2019 but it is her money, to do with what she wants now. So I'd say let her enjoy her life. She doesn't have to be there to help you or your sister out. You are adults with your own families and she has reared you - has been there, done that. As for her not passing any of the money on I'm sure she will leave you some in her will, but until then it's hers to spend.

Personally we are doing everything we can to be successful financially to give ourselves a better life but also our kids.
My thinking is if we build a good foundation for them then they can do what they enjoy for a living as they will have financial fall back.
So yes I think if you love your kids and you can help them that’s normal, but I’m British but not not Caucasian and I’ve noticed a lot of cultural differences in family orientation. I’d expect my kids to visit me when I’m older, whilst here it’s not always the case so I can understand why one my just keep their money to theirselves if they’re going to need it when they are alone

Whilst i want dd to independant there is no way i wouldnt help with a house deposit if i could afford it. Likewise if she needed a bit to get by. I coildnt watch her struggle.
I would help her budget ...not criticise like my dad does.
If she was being very frivolous i would have to step back though.

I hate that entitled attitude. It’s completely up to your parents. I don’t plan to do anything that requires anyone else’s input. DH and I bought our house, cars, got married and had our child without any expections. If we couldn’t afford it we wouldn’t do it.

If you need help because of a dire situation then I suppose I’d expect them to help if they could. But that’s not a given and should be seen as a privilege.

My brother is always moaning at my parents spending all their money on holidays during their retirement. Personally I think they owe me nothing and I hope they make them most of their retirement!

University - yes I agree. Loads, etc are often dependent on parental incomes, so ideally parents should help to support their child through there education of they are able.

The rest - no. Nice if they can or want to, but not necessary and certainly shouldn't be an expectation.

Re siblings - well, whatever they do should be fair to all. Not necessarily the same though as circumstances do change.

FWIW however we will most likely support dd with all of those things because we are financially able to and inclined to. Infact driving lessons start next week and we will look at buying her a car a few weeks/months later. The rest will no doubt come with time. However dd certainly doesn't know about all those kind of plans and financial investments in place to help, and she certainly wouldn't expect it.

My DPs paid for a lot of things for my sibling. I chose to pay for things myself and learnt the value of money and was proud of what I achieved. Sibling never learnt the value of money. My DPs did me a favour.

So what you're effectively saying is that you don't want to grow up and be an adult? You don't want to strive for what you have so will never have a sense of achievement and think you deserve everything to be handed to you on a plate?

My parents helped financially where they could. They werent particularly well off but believe in helping their children if they are in a position to but none of us expected it. We are the same with our children but again no one expects it. I honestly can't understand why you wouldn't help your loved ones if you are in a position to do so. I'm not talking about throwing money at them but not seeing them struggle. I don't think I'd feel the same if they were lazy though, I see they work hard and things are just difficult sometimes so help where we can. My husband's parents are completely different and don't believe in helping their children at all. They are very proud of this and tell anyone that will listen!

Yes but works both ways, I'd do anything for my DF & I know he'd do the same for me. My mother I won't accept anything from her as we're NC, she used to buy stuff & give it to my DF to pass onto me but I'd return it as I knew he hadn't bought it & it'd give her an opportunity to call me ungrateful. He stopped doing it a few years ago as he realised it was upsetting me, I don't want anything material if I'm not good enough to talk to.

they are adults and have had to learn to earn and budget

I taught my kids to budget when they were little -adult is far too late. We've helped out our two financially fairly substantially. They are sensible and appreciative (and they both earn more than me now!). I'm not sure why you wouldn't if you were able. It seems the kind thing to do.

I am a parent with 1adult DC and teens. I really don't think that I should help the adult out not financially or any other way. If I do, I do so because i want to. Honestly, if they ever expect or demand it, I'd stop.
Most parents spend 20+ years supporting DC, we have paid for clubs, they all can swim and ride a bike. We gave adult DC driving lessons paid for a Tutor to help with exams, the list goes on. All happily done no regrets!
We do this to give them the best start in life. Once they are finished with their education, and stat earning / moving out, it's up to them what to make of their lives. I don't think it's a parent's duty to continually bail children out. How can they learn to take care of themselves, if they are constantly relying on their parents to bail them out?

No, and you shouldn’t expect either. If you’re an adult, and they do help then that’s great . I do think people should get help thru uni as it could make a difference to their grades and a big impact on their lives.. by the rest of it ( why on Earth should anybody else pay for your wedding) is a big fat no

How much of your parents wealth should you expect to given? 10%, 30%? And Os that just their cash wealth or should you include their assets too? If they don’t have the cash, would you want your parents to sell their home to give you your desired lifestyle?

I find the expectation and sense of entitlement a bit nauseating, if I’m honest.

I think in the past people got a lot poorer as they got older and younger generations did better.

The boomer generation has benefited massively in terms of housing and in some cases pensions. They are richer than their children are ever going to be.

I benefited from free uni education, cheaper housing and I'm in a final salary pension. My dc can only dream of these benefits so I will help them out.

Nursebuttercup- it is not percieved favouritism it is a fact and it has nothing whatsoever to do with my behaviour.

But theres something.

Because you didnt come here asking about favouritism. You have a long list of things you think your parents should pay for.

I think it’s a balance. It seems very odd to me that families wouldn’t help each other out in all sorts of ways cutting across generations if times were tough. Likewise I don’t think it’s normal or right to cut of your kids at 18... I think it’s more of a fading out as they progress towards full independence. So yes to helping with uni costs, then yes to helping them get on their feet (maybe some help towards a deposit or guaranteeing a rental contract etc.). But there is a big difference in my view between helping kids get set up and being a safety net till there solidly on their feet, and subsidising their lifestyle long term just because.

I also think we forget (and I say this as someone who just qualifies as a millennial) that comparing our current lifestyles with that of our baby boomer parents which is a bit of a false comparison. I know at my age my parents were massively struggling - my brother remembers going round the supermarket with a calculator to add everything up as we went. Our lifestyles today don’t compare - but my 30 something self is infinitely better off that theirs.

People of all ages also massively underestimate how long their likely to live. So it’s one thing to look at a baby boomer and think they’ve got loads of cash hanging about - but their likely to live another 30 or 40 years and that’s a long way to go where a lot could happen and they’ll need the money to fall back on.

I paid for my eldest's driving lessons, paid half for his car and paid his first years car insurance.

I helped him out with food parcels and pocket money when he initially started at uni. Once he got a job he paid his own way thru uni. When he left uni and got a full time job he paid his own deposit on a house and is paying his own mortgage payments. If he desperately needs money for something in particular I loan him the amount he needs (if I can afford it) and he pays me back when he can.

That's what I'll be doing with my youngest too.

Part of a parents job is to raise their dc to become independent adults. No adult should be demanding someone else pay for their life choices.

Nope but I also think that family love / time /effort shouldn't necessarily be unconditional
I don't owe my parents anything and now I'm an adult they don't owe me anything.
It's nice and very welcome if you or they can help, spend time, get on etc but it's not a given. Families and relationships are complicated.

I didn't need any help from mine, so assume my children will be the same?

By parents didn't have a lot of money when we were growing up. Parents paying for cars, driving lessons, weddings and houses? Nope DH and I did that all ourselves, had jobs and saved up.
I went to university (first in my family) but took out a full loan to afford it.
We bought our first home at 23, 32 now and after a few house moves live in a lovely house but we did it all ourselves. Same as our parents before us.

Only when at university did I see how the other half lived. I had a part-time job, they had their parents paying for everything and they were mostly so entitled and completely ungrateful.

I think the best 'help' your parents can give you is a stable, supportive home to grow up in. My parents didn't hand me lumps of cash, but I stayed in their home and this meant I could save up and a good start.

🤔 They are not ‘obliged’ to help you OP, they’re entitled to go off and enjoy their ‘golden retirement’ spending all that money they worked hard for and being completely care free!

But when it comes to your golden retirement, and they’ve reached the age where they require care. You’re equally not ‘obliged’ to do that!

You can go off and enjoy your golden retirement whilst they sit in a NHS care home.

Truth is, no adult is ‘obliged’ to do anything for another adult. But people should expect to get what they give/ give what they want in return.

PIL are wealthy and SIL is favoured. She got her wedding paid for and a £10k house deposit. DH got neither.
I don't expect a penny off them. But I do expect them to pay for taxis, gardeners, cleaners, caters etc when they need it.

to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

Not necessarily, it often results in young adults that don’t really grow up at all, don’t learn to ‘adult’ properly and are entitled shits all their lives. Some people wish to avoid this by having their kids put in the hard yards and making them work for things not handing them stuff on a plate.

Yabu why should they? Once you’re 18 and adult their job is done. You should live your life and let them live theirs. I hate such an entitled attitude. My parents would help with childcare but I don’t expect it.

it isn't a trade off ! i'll finance the kids and they're care for me in my old age, like fuck they will ! being a carer is bloody hard work been there, done it. wouldn't wish it on my lot, there is enough stress in life.
people have said to me with 8 kids, you've got your old age care sorted, er...no, i didn't have kids for that reason whatsoever. have told them and dh if i think i'm going to be a burden to anyone [needing help with washing etc i'm going to top myself while i can. they have to live their lives and not be looking after me.