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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents should help you out if they can.

172 replies

Shopperami · 13/04/2019 09:30

Aibu to think that parents should help you if they have the means to?

I mean in all sorts of ways. Financially being one.

OP posts:
CoraCoo · 13/04/2019 10:06

My parents helped me with money at uni, paid for a few blocks of driving lessons, gave me money to go out if I had spent it all on driving lessons haha. They didn't have big chunks of money available to help me with a house deposit and even if they did wouldn't pay for something unnecessary like a wedding reception.

They are currently looking to downsize and they want to give me a chunk of the equity they will release for our next home purchase.

I've always been responsible for myself, but they do give me little boosts here and there but I don't rely on it. I would like to do the same for my children.

QprOrBfc · 13/04/2019 10:06

If we choose to help out our adult children it's entirely our choice and not an obligation.

All our children have a higher income than we do as I'm unable to work, so does that mean that they should pass money our way too?

Of course we'd never accept but as we are all adults why are adult children expecting parents to support them financially.
We had many years with thousands of pounds of debt when the children were young, now it's just the two of us why shouldn't we have a little financial cushion.

Happyspud · 13/04/2019 10:06

The attitude and entitlement and meanness and children abusing their parents is not something I have ever even seen hints of in our family. I just couldn’t imagine it happening. It wouldn’t be acceptable in the slightest.

Dishwashersaurous · 13/04/2019 10:07

Actually with university the amount of loan you can get is dependent on parental income. Therefore the system is designed to assume that parents will help if their income is above a certain level. So on uni your expectations are fair.

But on the rest that’s just being an adult and you have to pay for it yourself. So if you are struggling for money you need to work out a plan. Are you young in which case to be expected? Do you live in an expensive area so rent is high? Can you get more qualifications etc etc

Very little in life is set in stone and if you are unhappy then change it

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:09

And at what point does the adult child start paying for stuff they want themselves.

All the stuff you have listed, when do you decide that actually you just cant have everything you want all the time.

It's also going to depend on why the adult chil is struggling too.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 13/04/2019 10:09

We've done really well but it's been a struggle.

The struggle has made it worthwhile.

Family, who have just been indulged due to changes in circumstances, are hugely ungrateful & entitled. No appreciation.

The only exception there may be during lessons, as that's a skill.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 13/04/2019 10:09

*driving

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 13/04/2019 10:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ChrisPrattsFace · 13/04/2019 10:12

You don’t know the true depths of their ‘means’ ... you may think they have the funds to help but really they may not.
You’re an adult. If you want help then you should ask for it IMO.
If I struggle, I ask my parents, if they would like then they will help me.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:12

Also if my child was an adult and expected me to pay for all that list, they would get told to jog on.

It's the expectation and long list of requirements.

Theres a difference between parents helping and their adult children expecting to be financed

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 13/04/2019 10:12

This is an odd thing as for my parents generation it was just a given that grandparents would help out. My Nan had us kids whenever my mother asked, took us on holiday. They had us for a week while my parents went on holiday alone.

It’s only more recently when these baby boomers became grandparents suddenly asking grandparents can they baby sit has become cheeky fuckery. The same generation who had free uni, healthcare, mortgage with one income but then call the younger generation lazy and snowflakes for asking for the same.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/04/2019 10:14

It is lovely if parents offer financial help if you need it, but none of us should expect it - we are not entitled to it, they have done their bit and should be enjoying life without supporting their kids for evermore.

slithytove · 13/04/2019 10:15

Yeah I think parents should help their kids within their means for the duration of their lifetime; when the kids are old enough to do the same so should they.

We have a constantly flowing river of help in both directions from my family to my parents; only a very small part of it is financial.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:15

ThatssomebadhatHarry

The main difference being working age. My parents still work in 60s. By 55 by grandmother was retired but had only ever worked part time. My grandfather not long afterwards.

My dad retired at 58. But then got a job on less hours so he wasnt eating into his private pension. My mum also still works.

Comparing generation to generation complaining that one did more than the other isnt very fair, when you dont compare whole situations.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:16

ThatssomebadhatHarry and also in the last 20-30 years its gone from babysitting to people expecting their parents to provide long term childcare

BrokenWing · 13/04/2019 10:18

Nope, mine never helped me and it made me independent.

I didn't have a big wedding as I preferred to spend the money elsewhere. I paid digs when I was at college. The brought me up right, gave me a strong work ethic and I take responsibility for myself and my decisions as an adult.

I know they would never see me homeless or in true dire need, but I would never expect them to fund mature student education, my housing, wedding etc

notacooldad · 13/04/2019 10:19

I'm still bitter that 20 years ago we were in terrible financial straits due to no fault of our own, it was down to our buisness struggling.
We had the bailiffs come round and the situation made me and Dp Ill. A couple of years later we managed to turn everything around. However my parents are wealthy. My (now deceased Mil) was extremely poor.
My MIL did everything she could to help us, from making meals, to having the boys so we could both take on second jobs, buy a weekly shop when she could etc.
My parents gave us nothing.
My parents bought a sibling a house the other year because they wanted security for him. He has never worked a day in his life!

downcasteyes · 13/04/2019 10:20

Loving parents surely want to help their kids out if they have money to spare and can afford to do so. But many don't.

In my family, there has been enormous financial, emotional and other types of support for one child only, with the others left to sink or swim. It's been very corrosive, because it's so obvious that there's a favourite.

MeganBacon · 13/04/2019 10:21

Some parents see it as a means to encourage you to become responsible adults able to stand on your own two feet and live within your means. My parents did and I'm glad. They paid for none of the things you suggest (although uni was free in my day).
It also depends very much what you are doing - if you are spending money in ways they would consider unnecessary then they would be more likely not to want to. If you are really struggling for the basics, that would be different and I think any parent would help out then, but if it's for fun things, definitely no obligation at all.

Tensixtysix · 13/04/2019 10:21

Parents help out? What a laugh!
Mine are a money pit. No more to say.

Omzlas · 13/04/2019 10:21

If you're of the opinion that parents should help with the list you made, YABU and massively entitled. They're under no obligation to provide for things that YOU want. If you want to learn to drive, get a job and save up. Ditto for a deposit.

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2019 10:24

Why can't you get a job and pay for all that yourself?

Supersimpkin · 13/04/2019 10:25

All these 'No' replies are a bit deluded - 90 per cent of homebuyers can't buy without family help.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 13/04/2019 10:26

All these 'No' replies are a bit deluded - 90 per cent of homebuyers can't buy without family help

Care to share where that 'fact' comes from?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 13/04/2019 10:27

All these 'No' replies are a bit deluded - 90 per cent of homebuyers can't buy without family help. I'm sure that's not true. It certainly wasn't for us (and we are not well off).