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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 08:03

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Wildrose19 · 21/04/2019 08:44

What do you think of everyone’s comments op?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 21/04/2019 09:04

Sad but I know they are right

OP posts:
MingeOnFire · 21/04/2019 09:15

I was going to jump in and defend him as I'm living with a wonderful man who wanted to take it very slowly to begin with. The first year was painful in many ways, but I understood why.

Having read the whole thread, I've got to agree with everyone else. Value yourself and leave. This is not right, not healthy and he's not going to change.

FoxSquadKitten · 21/04/2019 09:36

Op, where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? This 'relationship' will never progress, never change.

Somewhere out there is a man who will want you the same as you want him. Someone who will adore you.
This time waster needs to go.

Jaspermcsween · 21/04/2019 09:41

From your username.
Book yourself a week alone on a Greek island . Learn to love yourself

user1471590586 · 21/04/2019 09:44

Have you posted before about your boyfriend constantly texting a married woman at work? This sounds very familiar. The previous poster talked about their boyfriend admiring his work colleague and was forever complimenting her.

ohmydaysagain · 21/04/2019 09:55

This man is either asexual or gay. Regardless of which it is he is not the man for you. Walk away and know that you deserve so much better. No real relationship is conducted like this. How can you have a child is sex repulses him? How can you spend your life with no intimacy, affection and respect. When it comes down to it this man does not respect you nor does he care what you want and need.

Stifledlife · 21/04/2019 10:00

He's gay, and either in denial or just using you as a cover for his family.

Can't you see that he trots you out when he needs to be seen with a girlfriend and then puts you back in the cupboard (very carefully) when he's finished?

I'm sure he loves you, but not romantically.

If you want a romantic relationship and children then stop wasting time and get on with finding someone who will want that too.

MakeItRain · 21/04/2019 10:26

I had an on off thing in my 20s for a few months (could never call it a relationship) with a man like this. Right down to the over attentiveness in front of family but otherwise excuse after excuse for never really seeing me. And the virtually non existent sex life.

I suspect now he was gay actually. We ended up drifting into nothing when I stopped making any effort to meet up. But I remember sitting around hoping he'd call me. It was a depressing time in my life.

My advice is to get out fast. I know it's hard because the alternative seems (but isn't) like more loneliness than you have now. Actually the alternative is giving yourself the opportunity to meet someone or to develop an interest/hobby in your life that can really make you happy. Flowers

Beamur · 21/04/2019 15:27

OP, however lovely he is, this relationship barely has a pulse.
Find someone who is more available and keener on you. You deserve more.

Sockworkshop · 21/04/2019 16:13

OP
You cant make him what he isnt -its the biggest mistake going, you want him to be the man for you.He isnt.
He is telling you that you arent important to him .LISTEN!
Sorry for shouting but he is never going to change .( read previous thread also)

Erythronium · 21/04/2019 17:38

How did you meet him OP?

Rumbletum2 · 21/04/2019 17:56

I’d bet my house that he’s as gay as a yellow duster.

Rumbletum2 · 21/04/2019 17:57

You’re not just a beard - you’re ZZ Top.

GarthFunkel · 21/04/2019 19:13

So can you explain how he is a boyfriend if you-

  1. Only see him once a week
  2. Don't have sex. Ever.
  3. He's infatuated with his work colleague
  4. He doesn't involve you in his life at all unless to tick the look I'm not gay girlfriend box for a couple of hours for his family.

He 's a friend, surely? And not a particularly good one at that.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 22/04/2019 15:42

I like to think he is more than a friend . I met him at a party . We had dinner and met again two weeks later . It’s been like that until
Christmas when we started to meet once a week. Now I’ve met all his close family and friends so I thought it was progress. Baby steps but I thought we were getting there slowly

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 22/04/2019 15:43

I hope he is not infatuated with her

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 22/04/2019 16:26

She doesn't matter.
He doesn't want more.
You need to leave him. Did you have a nice Easter together ?
Nah I thought not.

Wildrose19 · 22/04/2019 18:06

Have you seen him over the bank holiday weekend?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 22/04/2019 18:43

Yes I saw him on Friday for a family event but he dropped me home afterwards as he was organising it and had to stay until the end and then he was with his family and pursuing his hobbies for the rest of the weekend .

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 22/04/2019 18:50

OP fgs get some self respect. Text him and tell him it's been nice but you want a proper relationship with someone and the two of you dont fit.

Just think, while he's wearing you on his chin you could be missing out on meeting the love of your life.

Stop settling for scraps.

Wildrose19 · 22/04/2019 18:55

So you have spent three days on your own when you would have liked to be with him?

ISpeakJive · 22/04/2019 19:13

OP, 95% of people on this thread have told you what they think of this so called 'relationship'.

Doesn't want to spend his time with you
Doesn't want to holiday with you
Doesn't want to have sex with you.

This relationship is just a friendship. Nothing more! Everybody can see it but you!

BloomsButtons · 22/04/2019 19:24

OP I'm afraid I have to agree with PP.

It seems to me that he's using you as a buffer to his family. They'll have been questioning him and/or giving him a hard time about being single so he now has you all set up to be rolled out for family occasions 'Look! I have got a girlfriend - here she is!' The he wheels you back onto your cupboard until next time.

Oh, he throws you crumbs to keep you sweet but ultimately you're a beard of some description.