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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking it slow or taking the piss

313 replies

Greekcheese · 11/04/2019 17:45

Boyfriend of nine months . Great bloke. Crazy about him . Started off meeting once a fortnight or theee weeks with plenty of text contact . Now up to once a week with an overnight stay. He wants to take it very slow. My friends say he is taking the piss . We are both 30. Him a home owner me a renter . No holidays ever. One weekend away . He has lots going on in his life. Mine is not as busy. He says he loves me but needs to take it slow. I have a history of being a mug for men. Staying in unhealthy relationships . Compromising and sacrificing to please them . I don’t want to fall Into this trap again. He loves the way it’s going. SAYs he feels valued and loved .Thanks

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2019 10:51

Join up the dots. That's exactly how my DDs gay friends behave.

Redshoeblueshoe · 23/04/2019 10:52

He loves you as a friend, not as a partner

This will never change !

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 10:54

I feel so foolish as there are so many stereotypes of a given sexuality and I don’t have experience of hanging out with men or women who are openly gay so I guess I am in the dark about what’s what

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 10:55

Ok thanks

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 23/04/2019 11:01

If you enjoy his company and can be realistic that he has now openly stated he's not into having a physical relationship with you, then hey who are we to dictate to you how to run your life.

Nothing we can say, unfortunately, will influence him, his preferences and beliefs.

Hopefully it has helped to talk things through on here, even if we probably haven't given you the responses you'd prefer to read. You sound young, so you've got your life ahead of you to build new relationships with other people, and he'll probably fade into the background when you find someone more aligned with your needs.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 11:05

Thank you. This has been the problem . I love him, love being his girlfriend but miss the intimacy of a relationship . I can live without it now but what about the future ? I do think sometimes that he may dump me when all of these family occasions: christening / weddings / engagements finish as I will be surplus to needs somewhat . His family are quite traditional
And sex isn’t a topic discussed openly so perhaps he is afraid of being honest with himself aswell
from his family

OP posts:
purplepears · 23/04/2019 11:07

Describing him as feminine is probably not right. I do t have any friends or family who are gay so from my perspective, he is very in touch with his feminine side, he is very emotional , huggy, open , comments constantly on women’s clothes, hair , make up , very into his body and appearance , comments about the attractiveness of men and their bodies . Loves the company you f women far more than men. I may be flamed for those opinions but to me they are more feminine traits than male , in my experience . Some
Of his friends have asked him if he is gay in the past

Yes, no, you're right. Yes. He doesn't sound gay at all. No. No. WinkWinkWink

MadeForThis · 23/04/2019 11:13

When did you read his texts?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 11:20

Some weeks ago

OP posts:
mamaoffourdc · 23/04/2019 11:23

I think that you need to sit him down and talk seriously and openly

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 11:25

@purplepears ??

OP posts:
pangolina · 23/04/2019 11:29

Do you have any kind of sexual contact? Kissing? Touching? Oral?
I'm afraid it does sound like he's gay and may not even have admitted it to himself yet.
This relationship isn't meeting your needs. Move on. Keep him as a friend but move on, seriously.

purplepears · 23/04/2019 11:32

Honestly, everyone, I think the OP is winding us all up. And we have fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
No one is this naive. Or blind to the truth.
Good one, OP. You got us all.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 11:41

Thanks . Purple pears I have no reason to waste my entire Easter weekend hoping for responses to my problem , hoping for people to help me make sense of it all. It is a joke to you. That’s clear. To me, it is devastating . I need to be absolutely sure that I am doing right by myself for leaving him. There is so much to stay for and so much to leave for. Thanks for your considered responses to now . Laugh at me if you must but I hope that neither you or your family will ever find themselves in this pickle .

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 11:41

We kiss and hug

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Wildrose19 · 23/04/2019 11:48

How does he see the future of the relationship with a desire to have a family but no sex? Have you discussed a timescale for moving in/setting up home?

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:00

No timescale for anything. He still wants to take things slow. He would like to get married and have children. I told him that I want children from the outset . We did have sexual relations at the very beginning so it is physically possible but I do not want to have sex with a man who doesn’t actually want it . He needs a lot of mental preparation to engage sexually. Or at least he did . It is possible but not a natural progression for him. When I said he comments on men’s bodies . I did not mean in a sexual way but would admire their good looks or toned physiques . He is also onto his toned physique and looking well

OP posts:
Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:01

He says he loves me and that he is happy to finally meet someone who accepts him for exactly who he is and does not badger him

OP posts:
maxinespalour · 23/04/2019 12:11

I honestly think he's gay, sorry. The parading you around gleefully to all his family but then not including you at any further events is a huge red flag. And the lack of sex!
When I met dh, we lived miles apart and he was working full time and doing a degree.
He once walked 3 miles in the snow just to spend an hour with me and would never have missed a single opportunity to see me (or have sex!) The early days of a relationship should be exciting and all consuming, you deserve more op.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:14

Thanks

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Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:15

I think about 90% of posters said the same thing. Why would he string me along . That’s just nasty

OP posts:
couchparsnip · 23/04/2019 12:21

Just read the whole thread and I think he is acting more like your friend than your partner.
He won't change and the relationship with the colleague is probably very similar to his relationship with you - you're friends.

It's likely that he's either gay or asexual and possibly doesn't know that himself. He clearly isn't into you sexually. That isn't going to change and you're kidding yourself if you believe it is.

The comment about you not badgering him means he does know there's something up but doesn't want to talk about it. He's nipping your objections in the bud before you can voice them. He's flattering you into accepting half a relationship.

If you're happy like this then stay - but he's never going to give you more.

Wildrose19 · 23/04/2019 12:22

He might not be consciously stringing you along. He might be in denial himself or trying to conform in a way that suits him. Also you are putting up with him - you say yourself he likes that you don’t ‘badger’ him. It’s no hassle for him to be with you and his family are probably happy too.

Original poster
Greekcheese · 23/04/2019 12:24

Thanks to both of you . I guess I can can agree with both opinions. They make a lot of sense

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/04/2019 12:33

OP. Everyone here is saying the same thing. Are you waiting for a different answer?

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